The first time I spent the night with a man was when I was dating Allan. He was a hopeless romantic. By that I mean, he believes in stuff like soulmates and twin flames. He was convinced I was meant for him, and that our souls had been searching for each other across lifetimes. I was a cynic when it came to love but this guy’s faith in our relationship rubbed off on me. Soon, I also started believing that we were meant to be together forever. Honestly, it was a nice feeling.

One thing about Allan was that he didn’t believe in boundaries or each of us having lives outside each other. He was an athlete. Whenever he had to go and train, he would ask me to go with him. I would follow him and go and watch him do his sporty stuff. When I also had to go do something important to me, he would come along.

He wouldn’t eat if I was not there to eat with him. Even if I said I wasn’t hungry, he would tell me, “Just sit with me and take small bites. It will help me eat.” We were not living together but he would come to my place every night and ask that I go spend the night with him. I was not used to falling asleep next to a man so I never really slept. I would stay up and read or watch movies while he slept. Then I would wake up the next morning exhausted. Now that I think about it, I lost a lot of weight during that relationship.

When it came to the bathroom, we were always together there too. He liked to follow me to the bathroom and watch me take my bath. And he insisted I also follow him to the bathroom and keep him company while he took his bath. Sometimes we bathed together, but even on days we didn’t, we were in the bathroom together. We even watched each other when one of us had to urinate.

There was just nothing about me that this guy didn’t see. Every time I visited him, we wouldn’t wear clothes. We are both comfortable in our skins so we would just be parading around his room naked until we had to step out to buy something or take a walk. I was convinced that this was how true love worked.
Unfortunately, our relationship did not last forever like we thought. It didn’t even last up to one year.

When we started, we were on fire but we burned so intensely that we burned our hearts to ashes. It got to a point where things were cold. We didn’t excite each other anymore. I became complacent and he also started taking me for granted. Neither of us put in effort to rekindle things. After all, we had seen everything there was to see about each other so why try to impress?

The breakup was amicable but it was still messy. I couldn’t eat without thinking of him. I couldn’t sleep without reaching for him in the night. And I certainly couldn’t take a shower without feeling my heartbreak at his absence.

My experience has made me learn a lot of lessons. I believe there should be boundaries in relationships. We don’t have to be everywhere together just because we are in a relationship. We should leave room for mystery to keep things exciting all the time.

Now, I am dating a new man. The relationship is barely six months old but I have a good feeling about him. We’ve spent some nights together, and I have been able to fall asleep next to him so effortlessly. For me, that’s a win. I don’t want things to go cold between us so I am being careful. I am not always around him. When we are together, I try not to let him see me naked unless we are having shuperu. Even when I am trying to seduce him, I make sure I wear something.

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This is my own way of keeping the mystery. However, my boyfriend doesn’t see the point. One time I was in the bathroom wearing makeup, he just walked in unclothed and sat on the toilet. I told him to let me finish and excuse him to do his business but he didn’t mind me. He did whatever he wanted to do and left. That act was so brazen that it defeated the purpose of the mystery I was trying to preserve.

I thought after expressing my discomfort, he would slow things down but no. Every time we are together and I go to use the bathroom he finds a reason to open the door and talk to me. Sometimes he would find me naked sitting on the toilet. I would scream, “Please, close the door. I don’t want you to see me like this.” He would just shrug as if it was normal for us to have a conversation while I am in that position.

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He has done it more than once. I have asked him why he only feels the need to talk to me when I am in the bathroom. He says he has been inside me so he doesn’t know what I am making a fuss about. Guys, I am worried. What if it gets to a point where he doesn’t find me desirable anymore because he has seen all there is to see about me? This is someone who opens the bathroom door to talk to me even when I am doing number two.

While I squirm in embarrassment, he treats it as normal. Is he right? Is this a normal thing people do in relationships? Am I overreacting or he is the one who doesn’t understand boundaries and the need for mystery in this relationship? I don’t want us to become too familiar with each other. That’s why I am trying not to repeat the mistakes I made in my past relationship.

—Senam

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