I have a special frame on my wall that represents my love life. In the frame, there are five guys and me. Every time I look at it, I think about my feelings. I really wish I could just choose one person out of the five to be with, but it’s not that simple. My heart has enough room to accommodate all of them. But I cannot have them all. This is what makes it all heartbreaking for me. No matter how I see it, I will break some hearts and disappoint others. We will not all come out of this happy.

The person I have been with the longest is Kwame. This is my third year with him. I love him just as much as he loves me. Then there is Amos. I met him when I was in my first year at the University. Right from the moment we met, he asked me to be his. I turned him away but he wouldn’t let go. I have completed the university but he is still in the picture. He calls me every day and night asking me to give him a chance to prove his love to me. I care about him so I don’t want to hurt his feelings. That’s why I still keep him around.

The third guy is Ronald. He also wants a relationship with me. I also like him so I have asked him to give me time to think through it. The other two guys already have partners, but I have feelings for them regardless.

Among the five of them, Kwame is around my age. He is finishing up something called National Service so he doesn’t have a permanent job. He is now trying to figure out where his life is headed. I see his potential and I believe in him but we are in an economy with a high unemployment rate. How long will it take him to stand on his feet and be grounded?

As for Amos, he just finished his military service with a high rank. He told me, “I joined the service because of you. When I first approached you, you were rude and disrespectful to me. I felt you looked down on me because I wasn’t doing much with my life. So I decided to turn my life so that I can be worthy of you.” I am happy that his life is taking shape. It gives me comfort that even if I don’t end up with him, I inspired him to be a better man.

Ronald used to live in our neighborhood before he went away. Ever since he came back, he has been asking me, “When are you free to go out with me?” I tell him, “We will go out soon. Just give me some time to figure out a few things first.” He is a patient guy, that’s one thing I love about him. Although he has made his interest in me very clear, he doesn’t pester me to accept him. He respects my decision about needing more time. And I find it attractive.

The other two guys are both men I don’t just have feelings for, I love them very much. They have never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do. Rather, they give me space and always give me what I want.

One of them, his name is Able. He tells me, “When my divorce is finalized, I want to marry you. Will you wait for me?” I tell him, “Of course, I will wait. I love you and I want to be with you.” I love him so I don’t mind marrying him. Our relationship is one year old and it has been very peaceful so far. He gives me what I need and goes out of his way to make me happy. I don’t for a second, doubt his love for me. to marry me after he gets divorced, and I’m okay with that.

The other one wants to support me while I pursue my master’s degree. He has started working on a scholarship for me. He is very invested in my growth. He wants to build me into an influential woman and I love him for that. He also makes me very happy.

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I love all my five men, but I know I can’t have them all. How do I choose between five different men who offer me different kinds of happiness? When one of them is hurting, it hurts my heart too. This is why I can’t choose one person. I wish I wouldn’t have to.

Lately, Kwame has been acting distant toward me and I know it’s because of something I must have done. He loves me so much that every little thing I do wrong hurts me. I hate to see him hurt because of me. It makes me really sad, but I don’t know how to fix it. This is how I feel when I hurt anyone one of them. I feel their pain and it weighs heavily on my heart. That is the downside of having five men loving me and doting on me.

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My relationship with them is not as glorious as it may seem. Can you imagine the time management that goes into making this work? Sometimes, I wish I could just close my eyes and choose one person so that I would let the others go but it’s not that simple. I often cry myself to sleep because this situation is tearing me apart and I feel like I’m betraying all five of them.

I am very confused and really need some positive advice on how to navigate this situation. What do I do with them? Whom among them do I choose? Please, be kind with your words. I am already in a fragile and confusing place. I just need help to make sense out of it all.

—Johanna

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