Today I woke up from another dream of him. These days the dreams are more frequent than before. I am surprised that after all these years I still see him in my dreams. Maybe it is because I still think about him. I don’t even do it consciously but he is there; in my mind and heart. He is like a nagging feeling I cannot get rid of. On my bad days, his memories haunt me like an itch I cannot scratch. Do you know how uncomfortable that feels? To have someone occupy your mind from your waking moments to your dreams?
This is what Felix does to me. I think about how we met. It was through his sister, Flora. Flora was my coursemate. We were also roommates. She always talked to me about her family. Occasionally, she would talk about her brother. From the stories she told me, I could tell they were very close. It never occurred to me to ask to meet him until one day when she said, “You and my brother are so much alike. I should introduce you to him. You two will get along so well.” I shrugged and said, “Why not?”
When Felix and I started talking, I didn’t have any hopes of pursuing a romantic relationship with him. He was just a friend’s brother I was getting to know. That’s because ever since I was a child, my dad always drilled into our heads that we cannot marry from a particular tribe. According to him, some members of our family married from that tribe and it ended horribly. So they concluded that there were certain traits peculiar to people from that tribe that make them incompatible with us.
My dad is not one to easily change his mind about these kinds of things so I took him seriously. I knew that if I should bring home a man who comes from that tribe, he would not give us his blessings. So I went through life closing my mind and heart to them. Every man I met who came from that tribe automatically did not pique my interest in any romantic sense. Felix happens to come from that very tribe. That’s why it was only about friendship for me.
For some reason, Felix had a different effect on me than the others did. I ended up having amorous feelings for him. It wasn’t just one-sided. I knew he felt the same way about me too. We were both tiptoeing around our feelings for each other until he finally came clean one day. “I am interested in being more than your friend,” he confessed, “I feel too much love for you to keep quiet about it.” I loved him too but I couldn’t say yes. I also didn’t have the heart to turn him down. So we became friends who acted as though they were in a relationship.
He wanted a full commitment but I couldn’t give him that. I couldn’t also tell him my reasons. We fought about it until we got tired and went our separate ways. I told myself it was better this way. The relationship didn’t have a future anyway. Why string him along when I can set him free right now? I don’t know what he also told himself when he walked away but he couldn’t stay gone. I too could not stay away from him despite all the pep talks I gave myself. We found our way back to each other eventually.
This time around, I gave him my all. I was willing to make our relationship work against all odds. When the thought of introducing him to my father came to mind, I silenced the voices with the phrase, “We will cross that bridge when we get there.” Whenever we had to spend time together, I would visit him. He couldn’t come to me because of my parents. We didn’t go out on dates either.
It got to a point where I wanted a change of pace. The next time he asked me to visit, I suggested; “Why don’t we go out instead? We can sit somewhere, talk and have a nice time.” The moment I said this, Felix went silent on me.
I called him several times but he wouldn’t pick up. I texted him repeatedly but he didn’t reply to even one. For days, this guy wouldn’t talk to me. What did I do that he should treat me like this? I told myself that maybe he was no longer interested in the relationship. They always say that guys don’t know how to give closure. When they lose interest, they just leave you. For this reason, I concluded he had left me. I had no choice but to break things off with him officially.
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It was later that I found out why he ghosted me. It was during the COVID-19 pandemic that this misunderstanding happened. He was struggling financially but I didn’t know. When I suggested we go out, it triggered his insecurities in regard to his finances. That was what made him withdraw from me. I wish he had communicated all this to me. If he did, I wouldn’t have been hasty in my decision to leave him. I would have offered him my understanding and empathy.
To this day, walking away from him is the most regrettable decision of my life. Years after we broke up, we were still in touch. We didn’t have any meaningful conversations though. We only exchanged birthday messages.
It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person
I compared every man who came into my life to him. I still do it sometimes. When they smile, I dig through it hoping to see him somewhere in there. Of course, I don’t. I end up saying something like, “That’s not the way Felix smiles.” When they do something nice, I smile and say thank you, then add, “But you are not Felix,” in my head. No man who came after him measured up to him.
I know I should move on. I know I should, because he has done it. Last year, he posted a photo of himself and a beautiful girl on his status. They looked like a cute couple. While a part of me was happy for him, another part was consumed with sadness. It was too much for me, so I deleted his number, and photos, and unfollowed him on all his socials. I miss him a lot. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I don’t see him physically anymore but he still appears in my dreams. This is my torment. If we meet again in my next life, I won’t make the same mistake of walking away from him again.
— Elsie
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