This story is the reason why I’m sharing my story today. Thank you, Sammy, for the courage you’ve brought me. We have a similar but different story and because of you, I will share mine today…

I never had a boyfriend until I met Joe. When I met Joe I had completed the university and was about to do my national service. He proposed the first time and I told him to stay away from me. He said my anger surprised him. “It’s just a proposal. I didn’t insult you. I didn’t demean you in any way so why that intense anger towards me?” He asked. I said calmly, “Joe, just stay away from me. I thought we could be friends or you could be the kind of brother I never had but if that’s your intention towards me, then kindly lose me. I can’t stay around you knowing that you have such a bad intention towards me. Just leave me alone.” He couldn’t get it. He looked stunned. For several seconds he stood there looking directly into my eyes. He said, “Gina, there’s something wrong with you, tell me. Are you going through a bad day? Have I ever wrong you in any way that I’m not aware of? Because this anger can’t be because of the proposal. It goes deeper than that.”

I snapped out of the anger and smiled. That smile was fake. Something to let Joe know that I wasn’t angry after all. It was also to cover up the fear Joe had identified in me. Many guys had proposed to me and they had the same reaction but none of them was able to identify the facade I was putting on just to escape from them but Joe saw it. He questioned it. He kept coming even after I had insulted him to stay off me. He never gave up. He sent me text upon texts and he never got a response. He’ll write, “I know I won’t get a response for this message but it’s alright. When I see the blue tick, I will know you’ve read it and you’re fine. That’s all I want to know.”

He was trying hard to get my attention but the harder he tried, the harder I pulled away from him. One Sunday after church, I felt a tap from behind me. When I turned, it was him. He smiled and I smiled back. To be honest, I don’t know how he managed to get a smile from me but Immediately I saw him my mind went like, “Oh so he came to my church just so he could see me?” And then he said, “I came to look for you since you won’t answer my calls or reply to my text. How are you?” I answered, “You know where I live and you know where I’m doing my service, you could have come there. Why did you choose to come to my church?” He said, “God is here. You can’t act angry in his presence when you had happily worshipped him all day.” 

So he walked with me for a while and just when we were about to part he said, “I don’t know who hurt you in the past and I don’t know who broke your trust in men, so much so that you don’t want to even hear about love proposal but hear me out. I’m here for the long term. I see in you what those people didn’t see in you. It’s the reason why I won’t stop pursuing you. If you run to the moon, you’ll meet me there because it’s you I want.”

The following day, I called him to say yes. But before that, I told him, “You have the wrong impression about me so let me correct that before anything. I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life. Never. So it’s not about someone breaking my heart or anything. It’s deeper than that. I hope someday I’m able to open up to you the way I’ve never done to anyone. My trust in men is zero. I hope you restore it. You’ve had the patience to pursue me all this while. I wish you all the best with me. I hope you stay because it’s not going to be easy.” He laughed. He asked, “Are threatening me? Wishing me all the best like I’m going to war?” I said, “I know myself and I know what’s coming.”

We fought about a lot of things. I didn’t allow him to touch me. When I say touch, I mean the simplest of touches like holding hands, his hand around my neck, or his body touching my body. Anytime he tried, it turned into a fight. I never went into his room. The farthest I went was in front of his door. He was thinking a lot about my behavior. When he became free with my mother, he complained to her. When he became free with my other sister, he complained to her. When he mentioned my elder brother, I stood up from the chair I was sitting on and screamed, “If you want us to go far, never bring that guy into our issues. In fact, the next time you mentioned him in my presence, our relationship is over.”

Joe is a clever guy but I might have underestimated how smart he could be. He immediately knew there was something wrong between me and my senior brother so he never mentioned him again. The next time he mentioned him, we were in front of my pastor, going through counseling. We were just a month away from marriage and he knew that at that point, I might not be able to walk out of the relationship. He told the pastor, “I feel Gina is hiding a lot from me ever since we started dating. She had acted in some ways that suggest that she has problems with her senior brother and again, I feel like she has issues with sex. I want these problems discussed before anything. They are the only two things I think can bring problems to our marriage so I want them resolved before we go forward.”

I started tearing up, so I got up and started leaving. He ran after me and caught me right at the door before I stepped out. He said, “Pastor you see what I’m talking about? I’m always running after her because she’s always running.” That was when he saw that I was crying. The pastor joined him. They both held my hands and took me back to my seat. The pastor told Joe, “Kindly excuse us. I will call you in later.” So Joe left. The pastor said, “I’m here with you alone. What don’t you want him to know. Just tell me. Just release all the pain here. It’s still alright if you don’t want him to hear. I won’t tell him. By all means, you have to talk about it else, the ghost of it would continue to haunt your marriage and make you miserable.”

I responded, “It’s about my brother. He started sleeping with me when I was in class six. The last time he slept with me, I was in SHS three and was about to write my final exams.” The pastor said, “Wow…..wow……wow….wow. Julius?” I answered, “Yeah, Julius.”

We are four siblings. Julius is the eldest. I’m the youngest. The age difference between us is eleven years. The first time it happened, I was in the room dressing up after bathing when he walked in. It was usual for us to dress in front of each other so his presence didn’t bother me. I was wearing a pant and smearing pomade on my skin when he jumped on me. I thought he was playing with me until he pushed a cloth down my throat and force his way through me. My other siblings were out. My dad was sick and almost dying in the other room. My mom had gone to the market to sell. I couldn’t tell anybody. The pain was so severe and challenged the way I walked but in front of people, I tried to walk just fine just to hide what has happened to me.

He didn’t stop so I was scared to be alone. When I was in the room alone, I locked the door. When I was in the bathroom, I locked the door. Even when I was in the kitchen cooking, I locked the door. That was the only way I provided security for myself. I tried opening up to my other sister but the relationship between her and my brother was so tight I was scared she won’t believe me. My mom was also going through a lot because of her sick husband so I didn’t want to add to her misery. So out of the blues, Julius would pounce and get what he wants and leave me alone. 

My father eventually died. Julius got married and left home. I also left home for senior high school. That should have been the end of it but Julius never stopped. My last school fees I think mom didn’t have money so he spoke to him to pay for me. When I called him he asked me to come home for it. He was married and living with his wife so I thought I was safe. The day I got to his place, he was alone there. I started feeling uneasy so I got up and started running from his hall but he was faster. He rushed and caught me right at the door. The rest is history and for the rest of my life, I did everything within my power to avoid him. When I was in the university he tried several times to get me but I was old and mature so I jump over his snares. 

He started getting romantic with me. He would call in the night and tell me how he had missed me and how he would have married me if I wasn’t his sister. He would come to campus unannounced with gifts that look exactly like something a guy would give to his girlfriend. I hated him with passion. One day I sent him a message, “I prayed to God this morning. Do you know what I told him? That may the engine of the car you’re driving fail so you die in an accident. May the car burn so you get charred beyond recognition. If God does this for me, I will know he’s the God of miracles we’ve been singing about.”

He sensed the temperature of my hatred for him so he left me alone. He was the reason I never had a boyfriend before Joe. He was the reason I didn’t allow Joe to touch me. Joe’s suffering was because of my own brother. Can you imagine that?

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After telling my story, I saw tears running down the face of my pastor. I stopped talking for minutes but he couldn’t find his voice to talk back. He was choked by his own tears. He asked, “Do you want Joe to know about all this?” I answered, “Yes, I think I’m ready to tell him.” He called Joe in. He prayed for us and dismissed us. He said, “Joe, tomorrow, you’re the only one coming for counseling. Please come early.”

The following day, I met Joe and he was also crying. He asked, “What do you want us to do now?” I told him, “You’re the man. You decide.” He asked, “Would you want to make it a police case?” I answered, “Maybe someday but now, let’s concentrate on our marriage. I’m totally fine, now that you know about it. I’m happy you’re ok with me. You’ll understand my behavior going forward and that’s all I need from you. Let’s get married and forget that monster.” 

But the pastor felt I needed total healing and for that to happen he had to bring my brother in. My brother was called. My mother was there and my other sister was also present when I told them my story. My brother swore heaven and earth that I was lying. He said, “If you don’t retract these lies you’re telling here, I swear I would sue you and make your life miserable. You’re my sister doesn’t mean I have to tolerate nonsense from you. I paid your fees. I fed you when there was nothing. Is that all you can do to pay back?”

He looked at my mom and said, “Mom, won’t you say anything? Does that mean you believe her?” My mom screamed, “Shut your mouth before I pronounce curses on you. Look at your sister very well. Does she look like a mad person to you? If I were you, I would be lying at her feet crying and begging.” She told me, “Gina, do whatever you want to do to him. If he thinks he has money so he can go to court, he should. But there’s a higher court somewhere he can’t win.” It turned into a family fight. My brother walked out on us. My mother disowned him right there and there. My sister was just crying all this while. Everything was chaos that day but guess what, out of the chaos came the restoration of my heart. Knowing mom believes me was enough oil in my wheels to go on. 

My wedding was delayed for a whole year but it was worth it. I forgave him though he’s still fighting his own shadows. He doesn’t talk to me. My mom doesn’t call him a son. My other siblings give him cold shoulders. I and my husband have been waiting for the lawsuit he threatened but none had come our way so far. The good thing is the healing the whole process brought me. It’s the reason I and my husband are eternally happy raising a boy who looks like the world to us both. I’m happy. Very happy. Now, the sun rises and I know what it means. And each time the sun sets, it sets on a grateful heart who looks up to God for a better tomorrow.    

—Gina

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