Reading Suzzy’s story reminds me of how I’ve felt for most of my life. Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with low self-esteem. I am not talking about the kind that makes me allow people to walk all over. What I experience is the kind that tells me I am worthless. My mind has convinced me that the world will be a better place without me in it. And I always get the strong urge to end everything and say goodbye to this world.
There are days I feel so useless that I envy people who are dead. When I hear news that someone has passed away I would think, “This person is so lucky to be gone from this miserable world. I wish it was me instead of them.” There are also days when my thoughts are not only thoughts. They become plans and strategies I put in place to ensure that I am dead, but none of my attempts have ever succeeded.
I wish I could tell you exactly when it all started but I don’t remember. I just know that I have always felt this way. I was not maltreated as a child. I did not witness any traumatic event. I have searched my mind and I am sure that there is no single incident that prompted me to start feeling this way about myself.
I have very good days that stretch into weeks and go into months. On those days I feel like I belong here. I am happy to be alive and I am present in every moment. On the good days, everything is easy. When someone says they love me I believe them. I too allow myself to love people. I love the good days especially when they last long.
However, the bad days are utter misery. I cannot stand myself on these days. The sun does not shine on those days and flowers do not bloom. Everything is dark and gray in my soul. And all I want to do is leave. One time during my national service things became so bad that I was prepared to end my life.
I had acquired all the things I would need to do the job. I did not go to work that day because I did not want to spend my last day here on Earth working. My absence from work caused one of my colleagues to be concerned for me. So she left work and came to my house, only to find me writing a suicide note.
My friend saved my life that day. When I calmed down she told me, “I am sorry that you didn’t feel you could come to me with your problems. Why did you think ending your life is the best thing? Please, never attempt this again.” I assured her that I wouldn’t do it again but she did not believe me. She said she would feel better if I went home with her. So I packed a few things and moved in with her.
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I know that my mind is lying to me. I know that I am loved and cared for. I know I am not worthless, but what I feel is different from what I know. This is why I don’t joke with my prayer life. I’m a devout Christian so I believe that some of my thoughts could be spiritual. It’s just unfortunate that no amount of prayers has given me peace. I’ve tried to open up to a few of my Christian friends about my struggles but it backfired.
They look at me as if I am crazy or possessed and it hurts. So I have decided not to tell anyone else in my church about my problems. As for my family, I am afraid if I tell them they will call for an exorcism. So I haven’t told them anything at all. They all think I am a happy person who is living my best life.
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True to what they believe, the past few years have been good. However, I am getting bad again. I noticed it when I started feeling low about a month ago. The worst thing is that I have to smile and act happy in front of everyone. I give an excellent performance at work but I feel weak on the inside. As I am typing this, I’ve only taken yoghurt in two days. I barely even drink water yet I scream a lot when I work.
The pain I feel emotionally and mentally is affecting my physical health. I need help, I know. I am close to a lot of Christian counselors yet I have not received help from any of them. Although I know that I need to talk to someone, I feel I am meant to fight my demons alone. It is hard but that’s life.
–Nii
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#SB
Please speak to the Christian counsellors you talked about. You definitely need to speak to someone about it. This isn’t something you fight alone
Nii kindly get in touch with *DeRemedist * on Facebook or Utube
Nice to have shared your story bro. I want u to know that you can’t fight it alone. You need help. You can get in touch with me and you will surely get the help you need.
Please visit the mental unit in any government hospital. There are medications to help calm you down
There are online support groups to help too
Hmmmm… Keep praying bro. But pls, pls know that, u can’t fight this alone. Pls, talk to the few counsellors you know.
Your colleague who rescued you in the past, pls don’t distance yourself from him.
May your creator lift you from this.
Shalom.
Hello Nii, kindly get in touch if you can
Nice to have shared your story bro. I want u to know that you can’t fight it alone. You need help. You can get in touch with me and you will surely get the help you need.
Sharing your challenge here is a very good thing you have done but I suggest you get a Christian counselor. Transformation comes when you renew your mind so when you pray begin to see yourself becoming better than you use to be. God will heal you
Nii what you need the most is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. You are going through behaviorial disorders i.e depression and mania. Like you said you have tried your Christian counselors and is not helping. They will either pray and advise you, but the psychologist or psychiatrist has anti dote to your problem. Kindly get in touch with one of them and you will the help that you need.
You are a devout Christian but the question is have sincerely given your heart and soul to God. If not surrender to him truly. It does not have to be in the presence of a pastor . It can be by yourself. Never give up . Those who are deaf are looking for a second chance. Also look for psychiatric help. You are not mad. When ever you have the urge to end it speak to God like you are speaking to a friend of yours, challenge him if you like,put him to the test and you will see wonders. There is no peace even for the dead people so why do you want to die. Pray for inner peace. If you give your life to christ and believe in his resurrection power he will take charge of your life and cast all your demons and anxiety away because he cares for you. It’s even in the bible.
Nii
Sharing your story is the boldest decision ever
What you’re going through is what we call depression and it is a mental health illness. You do not need any stressors or traumatic experience to trigger it because it’s is an illness
You can overcome it by getting help
You need to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible
You’re so loved and cared for as you already know
Do not let this mental illness take you away from us please
Kindly get the help that you need by seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist as prayer is not the solution you need to your depression.
May God be with you
Hi , silent beads, kindly let Nii contact me ASAP please . Here’s my email [email protected]
Hello silent beads, please is there a way I can get in touch with him? I have a book I would like to share which I believe can help.
It is not really natural, I have been there before and still feel it sometimes. What has helped me a lot is the word of God and Church, I go to church a lot, in fact as often as possible. I let the word of God speak to me, even the song I sing and listen to. I know about the side where you feel God does not listen to your prayers, because it happened to me too but now I know it was meant to build me physicall and spiritually. If it seems like to God is not listening to your prayers, now I can tell you that, It is because God has so much confidence in you and know you can go through it and tell others and encourage them like I am doing now. God loves you more than you can imagine. Pray your Rosery (if you are not a Catholic, learn about it, Lent (40days Fasting and Prayers) starts Tomorrow, 14 February, 2024 be part of it). And trust me the God who saved me will definately come through for you. YOur testimony will give hope to someone I know. Don’t give up just yet.