Reading Suzzy’s story reminds me of how I’ve felt for most of my life. Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with low self-esteem. I am not talking about the kind that makes me allow people to walk all over. What I experience is the kind that tells me I am worthless. My mind has convinced me that the world will be a better place without me in it. And I always get the strong urge to end everything and say goodbye to this world.

There are days I feel so useless that I envy people who are dead. When I hear news that someone has passed away I would think, “This person is so lucky to be gone from this miserable world. I wish it was me instead of them.” There are also days when my thoughts are not only thoughts. They become plans and strategies I put in place to ensure that I am dead, but none of my attempts have ever succeeded.

I wish I could tell you exactly when it all started but I don’t remember. I just know that I have always felt this way. I was not maltreated as a child. I did not witness any traumatic event. I have searched my mind and I am sure that there is no single incident that prompted me to start feeling this way about myself.

I have very good days that stretch into weeks and go into months. On those days I feel like I belong here. I am happy to be alive and I am present in every moment. On the good days, everything is easy. When someone says they love me I believe them. I too allow myself to love people. I love the good days especially when they last long.

However, the bad days are utter misery. I cannot stand myself on these days. The sun does not shine on those days and flowers do not bloom. Everything is dark and gray in my soul. And all I want to do is leave. One time during my national service things became so bad that I was prepared to end my life.

I had acquired all the things I would need to do the job. I did not go to work that day because I did not want to spend my last day here on Earth working. My absence from work caused one of my colleagues to be concerned for me. So she left work and came to my house, only to find me writing a suicide note.

My friend saved my life that day. When I calmed down she told me, “I am sorry that you didn’t feel you could come to me with your problems. Why did you think ending your life is the best thing? Please, never attempt this again.” I assured her that I wouldn’t do it again but she did not believe me. She said she would feel better if I went home with her. So I packed a few things and moved in with her.

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I know that my mind is lying to me. I know that I am loved and cared for. I know I am not worthless, but what I feel is different from what I know. This is why I don’t joke with my prayer life. I’m a devout Christian so I believe that some of my thoughts could be spiritual. It’s just unfortunate that no amount of prayers has given me peace. I’ve tried to open up to a few of my Christian friends about my struggles but it backfired.

They look at me as if I am crazy or possessed and it hurts. So I have decided not to tell anyone else in my church about my problems. As for my family, I am afraid if I tell them they will call for an exorcism. So I haven’t told them anything at all. They all think I am a happy person who is living my best life.

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True to what they believe, the past few years have been good. However, I am getting bad again. I noticed it when I started feeling low about a month ago. The worst thing is that I have to smile and act happy in front of everyone. I give an excellent performance at work but I feel weak on the inside. As I am typing this, I’ve only taken yoghurt in two days. I barely even drink water yet I scream a lot when I work.

The pain I feel emotionally and mentally is affecting my physical health. I need help, I know. I am close to a lot of Christian counselors yet I have not received help from any of them. Although I know that I need to talk to someone, I feel I am meant to fight my demons alone. It is hard but that’s life.

–Nii

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