I grew up in a polygamous family. My dad has three wives, and each wife has a number of children. My mother has four of us; two girls and two boys. While my father is physically present in our lives, he has never brought anything home in terms of finances. As kids, we looked to our mother for everything. Honestly, I am sure my dad has never contributed a pesewa to our upkeep. There were times we didn’t even have enough to eat, and the older kids would sleep on empty stomachs, just so our younger siblings wouldn’t have to. 

Due to financial struggles, my elder brother and I ended up in the same class. This made things more difficult for my mum, so when we got to SHS we had to attend school in the north. Secondary school education there is free, so it was ideal for our situation. But even with that, it was still difficult for my mum to provide us with provisions and pocket money. And the conditions in the school were difficult. The food was terrible, and we suffered water problems, so in the end, we begged our mum to let us enrol in a school in the south. She couldn’t afford to pay fees for both of us so I sacrificed and stayed in the north, for my brother to go to the south. 

After we completed school, I didn’t perform as well in the WASSCE as my brother did. So my mum sent me to my cousin to apprentice as a makeup artist and a decorator. It wasn’t the plan I had for my life but that was the path life took me on, so I gave it my all and finished my training with impressive skills. 

Now that I have acquired the skills to help me start a business, I don’t have the money to buy the equipment and materials I need to start work. I couldn’t count on my parents to help me because my mum’s business is not doing as well as it used to, and she is still taking care of my younger siblings. My dad too, well we’ve already established that he is financially irresponsible, so that’s a no-no. My only other option was to get a job in hopes of saving some money. 

The first job I got was as a veterinary shopkeeper. I didn’t know much about the field but I was able to learn. My only problem was the salary, it wasn’t even up to GHS 300. I worked there for seven months, but my boss refused to give me a raise so eventually, I quit. Then I got another job I’m currently working, as a receptionist in a guest house. The salary over here is also small but at least it’s up to GHS 300, so I am managing it. It’s just that I am not able to save for my business. 

I have met men who have offered to help me to set up a shop, in exchange for a pound of flesh. But that’s not something I want to do. It feels like I would be selling my body for money, and it doesn’t sit well with me. And the truth is, I haven’t even done the thing before. I have attempted to do it in the past but I always get scared and chicken out last minute. I am usually worried that it would backfire and I would get pregnant. And I always ask myself, “Looking at my financial background, what will I do in a situation like that? Who will take care of the child? How will my mother feel after all the sacrifices she’s made for me?” And these questions are enough to make me clamp my legs shut.

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So I am a twenty-three-year-old lady who has not done the thing yet. And it isn’t because I am saving myself for marriage. It’s mostly because I am not ready, and that is something men don’t like to hear. They come with promises, “If you agree to be my girlfriend, I will take good care of you. And I will help you establish your business.” And I tell them, “I am not ready for shuperu, so don’t expect to get it in the relationship.” They tell me, “That’s not a problem, I will wait till you are ready.” But a few weeks into the relationship, they start putting me under a lot of pressure for shuperu. That’s how come my longest relationship lasted for only three months. 

Sometimes I get worried and think, “Maybe I should just do it and get it over with. After all, men don’t want to marry virgins these days. They say they don’t want to deal with the stress of teaching a woman what to do in the sheets. Besides, it’s likely the man I will end up marrying is busy enjoying himself and leaving many body counts in his wake.” And because I want to do a good job of satisfying my man when I am ready, I have been reading and watching tutorials about shuperu. And it has equipped me with a wide range of knowledge. So I am very sure that I can handle myself when the time comes. 

 Other times too I tell myself that I don’t have to give myself out because I’m in a difficult situation. I want to take my time and meet a man who will love me, and support me to set up my business, without asking me to pay him back with my body. As I write this, it feels like I am reaching for the impossible. So my question is, are there men like that out there? A man who will take good care of a woman without expecting shuperu in return? Because I need someone like that in my life right now. I am not saying that I will never let him touch me. All I know is that I am not ready to do it right now. 

—Yaa

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