I read somewhere that “A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is good. It’s great knowing that someone is afraid to lose you.” That reads very true for me. The man you live with should be concerned when you’re getting closer to another man. He should be concerned when someone else is acting flirty around you. When a man knows his position in your life is being threatened, he sits up. He asked questions and ensures things are put right. That’s what I believed until I met my current boyfriend.

We are almost one year together. The very first time we had a conversation on our past he said, “I couldn’t stand her relationship with other men. She had too many guys in her life that it got me crazy. Anytime I acted on it, she called me jealous and made a mockery of me.” I asked him, So you broke up with her because of that?” He said, “That wasn’t the only reason. There are other reasons but that was the major reason.” I thought he was a jealous guy so I did everything within my power not to bring him to a situation where he would be jealous. 

I went to a friend of mine’s birthday party with him. He didn’t know anyone there except me. I on the other hand knew a lot of people. A guy I knew came to call me. I asked permission from him to see the guy. He saw us from his table. The guy was very touchy. He tried tapping me at every given opportunity. I looked in my boyfriend’s direction. He was looking at us. I told the guy, “My boyfriend is very jealous. He would have a problem with you the way you’re touching me.” He said sorry. He even left a gap between us so my guy wouldn’t think about anything. 

When we started dancing, the same guy came dancing with me. You know guys, they’ll never dance with you and leave you alone. They want to be all over you, holding your waist and pulling you to themselves. This guy was doing all that and more. My befriend sat there, looking at us and nodding his head to the music. I knew I was going to have issues with him after the party so I prepared my defense. He didn’t say a word about it. He took me home, said good night, and went to his house. When he was leaving, I sent him a text, “Are you alright?” He sent one back, “I’m alright. Why do you ask?” I said, “I just want to be sure.” He sent kisses and bade me good night.

He took me out one evening and went to the counter to place the order. A guy walked to my table in his absence. He asked, “Can I sit next to you? I said, “I came here with my boyfriend.” He thought I was lying so he sat in the seat of my boyfriend. I smiled and said, “He would be very angry to see you in his seat.” He said, “I”m only keeping you company until he comes. When my boyfriend got to the table I looked at his face. He was calm. I told the guy, “He’s here.” He got up, said sorry, and left.” I was waiting to hear something like, “Who is that guy and what does he want?” My boyfriend sat down and continued with the conversation as if he didn’t see another guy in his seat.” I started feeling uneasy. “Or he doesn’t care about me? He’s not scared someone might take me away? Why is he not jealous when it comes to me? Or he doesn’t love me that much?”

Let’s just say the little girl in me kicked in. I decided to put him through a series of tests and see if he’ll finally ask a question. Guys can act unaffected when in fact, everything is burning them on the inside. They don’t want to look weak so they put on a facade that says “I’m strong and mighty” though everything is killing them on the inside. I was in his house one evening when my mother called. I picked the call and rushed to the washroom pretending I was having a conversation I didn’t want him to hear. My ex hated that a lot. If I did that to him, he wouldn’t have spoken to me for over a week. I stayed in the washroom for over fifteen minutes. Immediately he saw me coming out he asked, “You didn’t touch your drink. Or you don’t like it?”

We were watching a movie but I stayed on my phone, chatting and smiling visibly just to get his attention. He was looking at me but said nothing. All I wanted to hear him say was, “Why are you on your phone? Who are you talking to? Why are you smiling with someone else while I’m here with you?” He didn’t bother. He ignored me and went ahead to enjoy his movie as though I wasn’t in the room. That hurt. It affected my mood all night. It was when he realized that I was pensive that he asked, “Is everything alright?” I said, “Yeah I’m fine?” He said, “You don’t look fine. Did someone give you some bad news?” 

I put my best act on throughout the night, trying to get him to act jealous but this guy remained unaffected. I tried again one more time. I said, “Do you remember the guy you came to meet on your seat the other time?” He nodded his head. He said, “Yeah, what about him?” I said, “He called. He wants to go out with me one of these days.” He asked, “You’ve agreed to go with him?” I said, “Not yet. I want to know from you if it’s alright for me to see him.” He said, “If you’re ok with him, then why not. You only have to be careful.” I shook my head in disbelief. 

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That day when he met the guy in his seat he didn’t care to know who he was. I brought him up again thinking he would care to ask who he was and why he was asking me out. He didn’t care. All I wanted to hear was, “Who the hell is he? How did he get your number and how long have you been talking to him? Why is he asking my girlfriend out? For what? I believe every normal guy who loves his girlfriend that much will ask these questions. It doesn’t even require jealousy to ask these questions when your girlfriend tells you about another man she’s going to meet. It takes being normal to want to know answers to these questions but my boyfriend—the guy I’ve dated for almost a year didn’t see the need to ask questions.

At this point, I’m at a loss. Is it that his last girlfriend killed his emotions to the extent that he doesn’t have any feelings left? Or he doesn’t love me enough to care about what I do with other men? When I think of what he told me about his last relationship, I get scared. I get the feeling that I’m not worth his jealousy because I don’t mean so much to him. 

Is it normal for a guy who had been jealous before to act not jealous toward his new girlfriend? I want to know from the guys. Would you have asked questions if your girlfriend did any of the things I did to arouse his jealousy? Am I overreacting? I’m not asking him to kick the ocean and shoot the burning sun just because he saw me on the phone talking to someone else. No. I’m only asking for a little tiny bit of jealousy from him to make me feel that he cares enough for what is going on between us. That’s all. Is it too much to ask?

–Afariwaa

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