We’ve been dating for the past three years. We met at a church convention. She was part of the team I was in so during the three-day convention, we interacted a lot and out of those interactions, a friendship was built. She lived in Sunyani and I lived in Accra. We got the understanding right from the beginning that our relationship was going to be a distant one.

We were doing just fine being lovers who lived in two different places. She came to Accra to visit when she had the time. During the first two years of our relationship, she came to Accra three times. It wasn’t easy for her to travel to Accra to stay with me for the weekend. There were too many bureaucracies she had to jump over. Her mom would have to vet her reasons for coming and her dad would have to stamp it before she could travel. Because of that, I had to do most of the travel.

That didn’t stop us from being together. I did my best to see her at least twice a month and each time I saw her, we had a good time like all lovers do.

One evening she called to tell me, “Guess what…” I said, “I can’t guess so you tell me.” She said, “It looks like the universe has been watching us. Finally, it had made a way for us to live together.” I asked, “Live together? What do you mean?” She said, “I got a transfer to Accra. I received my letter today.” I screamed out of joy. I asked, “Really? Did you ask them to push you here? What did you do get that?” She said, “That’s the surprising thing. I never said a word to anyone. Nobody discussed it with me. They just brought a letter today and I was told to move by the end of the month.”

She had only two weeks to move to Accra. Getting accommodation became an issue. I spoke to a lot of agents, followed them to check the places they had available. None of those places were suitable so days before she arrived in Accra, she said, “I can live with you in the meantime so we take our time and look for a place.” I said, “If only you’ll be comfortable living here, then why not?”

So, she came to settle with me. For the first two weeks or so, we kept looking around for suitable accommodation for her. When we didn’t get some in the first two weeks, we lost steam and stopped searching. She didn’t mention it again and I also pretended I’d forgotten. It’s been a year already since she came to live with me. I’ve had a few complaints and we’ve had few issues. Those were expected but the major issue is this…

Since she came to live with me, she had never contributed anything towards our upkeep or towards the management of the house. When I say nothing, I mean virtually nothing. When she’s in the house alone and the prepaid gets finished, she’ll wait until I come before we get light. Sometimes, she’ll call and tell me, “The prepaid got finished oo.” If I wasn’t going to be home any time soon, I had to send her mobile money to be able to recharge. She doesn’t buy food. I give her money every Friday to buy foodstuff for us. She doesn’t pay any bills or whatsoever. Everything is on me. Because we are not married yet, I don’t place so many expectations on her. I wash my own clothes and when it comes to cleaning the house, we do it together.

But recently, I’ve had reasons to think about the whole thing. I’ve asked myself, “Is that how everything is going to be when we get married? She won’t help with anything?” I see that as a red flag and honestly, I don’t think I have to tell her to help with some things before she does. If I have to tell her before she does it, then to me, she’s not doing it because she wants to. She will do it because she thinks I demanded it. I don’t want things to happen that way. As I said, we are not married yet. Even if we were married, I would expect my wife to be able to take care of certain things in my absence. Little things like electricity prepaid shouldn’t wait for my return. She should take care of it without being told to.

We both have marriage intentions. We’ve spoken about it before and once in a while, it comes up. We are not under pressure to marry and we haven’t given ourselves timelines. We have it at the back of our minds that we would marry. We believe everything we are doing now should lead us into marriage but everything that is happening now gives me cause to worry.

My rent is due. I need to renew it in the next two weeks, so, I decided to use that to test her helping spirit. I told her, “It’s only when you’re not in a very good financial situation that your rent also expires.” She asked, “Is the rent due?” I said, “I have to renew next week but I don’t have all the money sitting there.” She asked, “So what are we going to do?” I said, “I don’t know. Maybe I will write to the accounts tomorrow for a loan and see if they’ll grant it.” She said, “They better grant it ooo before we find ourselves on the street.” I laughed and she laughed.

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After that discussion, she never asked whether or not I’d been able to secure the loan or I’d been able to pay the rent. She lives with me as though nothing is at stake. A few days ago, when I came home, she told me, “The woman came to ask for the garbage fee.” I asked, “What did you tell her?” She answered, “I told her you were not around so she should come in the evening.” Meanwhile, the fee involved is only GHC12. Couldn’t she have paid it? Or that one too I should have sat her down and discuss it with her before she sees the need to pay an amount as small as GHC12?

To me, these are the red flags I don’t have to ignore. It’s who she is and I might face a lot of resistance if I try to change her. So I’ve decided to let her go. I’ve thought of asking her to start looking for a new place to rent. I’ll help her get a place. Even if I have to contribute money to get her a place, I’m willing to do that but immediately she leaves my house, I will tell her the truth that I don’t want to be in a relationship with her again.

This is what I’ve decided to do but I want to know if it’s a good thing to do. I think about the number of years we’ve been together and I feel it might be wicked on my part to do that to her but her attitude over the year that she had lived with me is a deal-breaker for me. I can’t marry a woman with such an attitude. Currently, I’m not happy and I don’t want to perpetuate my own unhappiness.

Am I being selfish? Am I wicked to harbor such thoughts? Or I’m right to leave after seeing all these red flags?

–Khally

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