I met Daniel after I completed SHS. By then I had just started selling noodles at night to try and save money for school. Daniel is a police officer so I didn’t want to get involved with him. But he told me he was different from all the stories I had heard about men in his profession. He brought in a few friends who served as character witnesses. “He is a good guy,” said one. “He will treat you well,” said another. “I am a woman like you so I won’t push you into something bad. Trust me,” said a woman I held in high regard.

After all the good reports I heard about him, I decided to give him a chance. He was very present in my life in the beginning stages of the relationship. He was always there when I needed him. When my WASSCE results came out and I didn’t do well, he supported my decision to write NOV/DEC.

I had to sell noodles and raise money to enrol in a remedial class. The cost for tuition and exam registration almost summed up to GHC5000. Out of this, Daniel gave me GHC400 as his contribution. We had been dating for a year at this point. I thought it weird that my boyfriend would support me with such an amount, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I just appreciated that he at least gave me something.

After writing my exams, I continued selling my noodles. I was then living in my aunt’s house. I could tell that she was fed up with my presence so I saved up some money and rented an apartment. Daniel didn’t support me with a pesewa. Yet, after I moved out he spent the nights with me. He would go to work and come back to sleep in my bed. But he never offered to help me pay water bills or light bills. Once in a while, he would give me GHC50 or GHC100. I was earning my own money so I didn’t complain about that either.

Along the line, he was posted to another town. When he got there he told me he met a girl named Irene. He said she was just a friend to him. I was happy that he found someone to be his friend. During one of my visits, a certain woman in the town told me that Daniel’s closeness to Irene was unusual so I should watch them carefully. The way the woman spoke, it was obvious she knew something was going on between them. When I confronted Daniel he denied it.

I used to buy groceries from Irene’s shop so I calmly asked her about her relationship with Daniel. She told me, “If you want to know anything, ask your boyfriend.” I did my best to get her to talk but she refused. Later Daniel asked me, “Why did you go and ask Irene about my relationship with her? I already told you she is just a friend.” That day I snuck into his phone and found messages he sent to the girl. He was asking why she refused to pick up his calls.

It was when I showed the messages to him that he said, “Honestly, I don’t have any feelings for her. I just wanted to sleep with her but she didn’t allow me. So I don’t even talk to her anymore.” He still sticks to that story and I don’t have any proof that he is lying so I have accepted it.

There was another time when I hacked his phone. I went over to cook for him. After I left, he sent a certain girl a message that he has cooked so she should come and eat. I turned around and headed back to his place. I think I should have waited a little. Because I arrived there just as the girl did. So he introduced her as just a friend. Maybe if I had delayed just by a few minutes, I would have found out the truth of their relationship.

After that incident, he changed his password and started deleting all his messages. He doesn’t even keep his sister’s messages on his phone. And not mine either. All his chats are empty. When I asked him why, he said he didn’t like having messages on his phone. His behavior didn’t sit right with me so I broke up with him. This guy brought his friends to come and plead on his behalf. They didn’t let me rest until I took him back.

At the time we got back together, I decided to start selling drinks in addition to the noodles. I don’t own a fridge so I would buy the drinks, and then buy iced blocks to keep them chilled. I start selling at 5:00 PM and end at 1:00 AM so at some point the ice dissolves and the drinks get warm. Another challenge I encounter is that, whenever the vegetables I use to prepare the noodles don’t finish, they go bad and I throw them away. Sometimes when I open a can of sardines and corned beef and they don’t finish, I throw them away. So it dawned on me that I have to buy a fridge.

I had just renewed my rent, and invested in a glass showcase so my food would look more presentable. Because of this, I didn’t have enough money to buy a fridge. I needed GHC500 to top up what I had. I asked Daniel for help and he told me he didn’t have money. I believed him until I had access to his phone. I went to his MoMo messages and found that he had a balance of GHC4000 in his account. I was so shocked that I almost cried. But I didn’t ask him anything.

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A few days later, he told me he won GHC7000 in the lottery. He sent me pictures of the number he staked and everything. I was happy for him. I believed that he would spare some money to help me buy my fridge but he didn’t even give me ten pesewas. At this point, I complained. This guy asked me, “Why should I work and give you my money to spend? Relationships are not business transactions so don’t enter into it looking for money. You should rather be thinking about marriage.” He always talks as if he would be doing me a big favour if he marries me.

I understand that my financial burdens are not his to carry, but is it wrong for him to help me out when I am stuck? I sat down and thought about the whole thing and wondered if a man like him would take care of me after marriage. The only thing he kept telling me was, “You should rather focus on pursuing higher education. If you don’t want to go school, I will help you get protocol into the police service.” His heart is probably in the right place but if he won’t help me buy a fridge, then how can I count on him for bigger things like pursuing a career?

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His stinginess coupled with his shady attitude helped me make a decision to leave the relationship. We were together for three years but I was the one who sacrificed more for him than he ever did for me. On his birthdays I would cook and invite his friends to celebrate with him. When I mentioned this he told me, “Times have changed. The way to a man’s heart is no longer food and sex. Those things can easily be bought. So don’t think you are doing something big by cooking for me.” So in a nutshell, he doesn’t acknowledge my efforts.

After I left him, he started sending me text messages asking that I take him back. This time he didn’t bring people to plead his case. He just sends texts telling me that my reason for leaving him is very trivial. He thinks I don’t have any cause to walk away because he doesn’t owe me anything. That’s why I have brought our story here. Is he right? Or am I right to leave him? Kindly share your thoughts with me.

—Sabina

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