I am the youngest of four siblings. My two elder sisters are happily married to wonderful men. It brought our parents great pride and joy to see them get married. That is the peak of parenthood for them. To know they raised us to be responsible humans, financially independent, and then we find love and start a family. It happened for them when each of my elder sisters got to the peak of their pyramid plan.
Now, it appears it’s my turn to get to the peak as well. That seems to be the problem for me right now. I am at a crossroads when it comes to marriage. I don’t know what I want so I struggle to make a choice. My mother recently asked me, “So you and your brother, have chosen to remain single while your sisters are married? You are both of age. When are you going to get married? Which of you will take that leap first?” I laughed and playfully responded, “I don’t know about my brother, but all I can say for myself is, can I marry myself?”
We both laughed at the joke but beneath the humor lies a deeper truth. I’m uncertain about marriage and what it truly means for me. I am a smart, beautiful, and successful woman with good prospects. My parents did a good job with us, yet when it comes to relationships and marriage, I feel lost.
My family has been my rock growing up. They’ve provided financial support, emotional solace, and unwavering encouragement to me throughout my life. I look up to them for guidance in every aspect of my life. If you knew how much money I earn at the end of the month, you would understand why I am this committed to them. I don’t joke with them at all. Their well-being is my priority. This is the reason their concern about my marriage weighs heavily on my heart. Especially my mother’s.
I haven’t let it known to them how I feel. You know how African families value marriage and make it look like the ultimate validation for a woman. So how do I explain my uncertainty to my African family? I don’t even know if I will do it or not. I’m still figuring it out. My fear is, for how long will I keep figuring it out? No matter how long I think about it, I am not sure I have made any progress with my feelings concerning the subject. If anyone has experienced what I am going through, please how did you get out of it?
One thing I know is, I am not completely sure I want to live the rest of my life single. Once in a while, loneliness occasionally creeps in. It makes me yearn for a companion. A hand to hold at the end of the day. A shoulder to lean on when the world gets heavy. However, I also refuse to allow my loneliness to push me into something I am not ready for.
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I believe marriage shouldn’t be solely about companionship; it’s a profound commitment that encompasses emotional, financial, and practical aspects. Sometimes I tell my friends that I am looking for a boyfriend and that they should help me find one. But is that something I really want? I have no idea.
I wonder if I’m ready to share my life with someone. Is it loneliness pushing me toward marriage, or a genuine desire for partnership? Or is it to help my family, especially my mom, feel at ease? I will be turning thirty-six this year but my love life remains dormant. My last relationship was in 2017. Or was it 2012? It feels like it was forever ago.
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I wonder if I am like this because of all the disappointments I faced in the past. Perhaps my heart has become cautious to protect itself. I’ve declined potential partners, particularly foreign nationals, who prefer Ghanaian companions. Fear lingers—fear of love, fear of repeating mistakes, fear of heartache. I’m caught in a dilemma.
In this journey, I’ll explore my feelings, embrace independence, and remain open to love. When the right person comes along, I’ll know. Until then, I’ll navigate life’s twists and turns, trusting that clarity will emerge when it’s meant to. In the meantime, if you’ve been here before and you’d like to share your experience with me I will be grateful to know I am not alone in this loop.
— Tamara
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You are not the only experiencing this. There are many factors to look at .1 comfort. Many people have gotten to the stage where I would say are fulfilled with where they are in life so if they get a partner or not is not really a thing to worry about. They have left everything into the hands of fate. I am not saying they hate marriage. 2 trauma. Many people have experienced bitter relationships so they are scared. Hence they prefer being alone than to be in a relationship and experience such things again. Even though they would want to try ,they wouldn’t give it a shot. 3 Fear. You my sister fall in this category. You fear love ,fear of repeating mistakes, fear of heartbreak ,fear of being let down or worse fear of losing one’s independence or one’s self in marriage or any relationship. My dear fear has robed people of many things . If I were you I would give it a shot and gain experience than not doing it at all. This is because you not doing it all will lead to a regret of a life time. My sister all I can say is that don’t be comfortable where you because you will never go forward in life. Push forward, search deeper,swim deeper, climb higher because when you do this you see more things, experience more things. In short ,life is like the ocean. We have the shallow part and deeper part. You don’t see anything interesting or anything at all on the surface. But when you dive deeper you will see there is more under the sea. Also along the sea we have those who swim on the surface and those who swim deeper. Those who swim deeper have more to tell ,see and experience. Also those who swim on shore have nothing to experience because of fear or they find comfort with what the surface provides and are not willing to dive deeper. Dear don’t fall under the first one. This world is in stages,class, categories and so is the experience that comes along with it. Ahot) ni babiaa . Bible no kyer3 yen s3 yes prek) de3 3ho d)). Don’t rush and don’t forget to pray.
You’ve said it all, Maame
I have also decided not not get married because of pains I went through during my past relationships but my parents insist but I don’t want to cus I have two kids nd am ok
Maybe marriage is overrated in the context of most African cultures such that delibrately chosing to remain single rather than getting married is considered odd. However, this shouldn’t be the case. The choice to get married or stay single should be the individual’s to make and should be made at their discretion, for they will live in the marriage and not those pressuring them to get married.
It seems I can understand your uncertainty. My advice is that you take sometime off to do an honest soul-searching exercise to come to the conclusion of what’s best for you in this matter and not anyone else. However as you do so, keep the future in mind.
Thereafter stick to your decision and make every effort to make it work out, but don’t forget to put God in the picture.
Discover what you want. Find out what works for you. Accommodate the third party (God). Make every effort to ensure your decision is worthwhile for you.