One of the things I always enjoyed when it came to intimacy was oral sex. I like it when my man goes down on me. Honestly, it is the single act that pushes me over the edge. I am not saying I can’t have intimacy without it. All I am saying is, if it is not part of the act, I always feel like something is missing.

Aha, let me use this analogy to make myself clearer. When it comes to me, cunnilingus is to lovemaking as salt is to food. You can use the best seasoning in the world but without salt, the food wouldn’t taste quite right. Which is not to say that you can consume salt alone and be happy with the results, right? Exactly. I like every single act of being with a man, but if you take that one out, I don’t finish quite well. I would just be hanging in the balance.

I was dating this guy who was very skilled with his tongue. He was like an artist with a brush. He knew how to swipe, stroke, and employ every magical skill available to paint me a happy ending. He would take his time and do the job for as long as it took to get me to the finish line. He was a good guy but we were not compatible in other aspects of our lives. In as much as he gave me mind-blowing orgasms, that alone was not enough to keep us together. Just as salt can never be the major component of a meal. It was difficult but we had to bring the relationship to an amicable end.

It took me two years to properly heal and move on. Luckily, I met the most wonderful man as soon as I opened up myself to love again. I am not exaggerating when I say he ticked my boxes when it came to what I wanted in a future partner. I was so happy to finally meet my dream man. I didn’t realize when I was falling in love with him. Lord knows I landed flat on my face before knew what hit me. Love is a powerful force like that. This feeling was more special to me because this prince of mine reciprocated my energy. Whatever I gave in the relationship, he gave back in double measure.

When the subject of intimacy came up, I told him what I liked. He also told me what he liked but there was one tiny hitch. He said, “I have never gone down on a woman, and it’s not something I want to do. Is that going to be a problem?” I paused for a while to think. The one thing that pushes me to finish happens to be the very thing this man is not willing to give me. He would give me the world except it. Meanwhile, the man is a full package.

I had to ask myself, “What’s more important to me? An orgasm or a good man?” Although salt adds taste to food, one can eat a meal without salt and still be nourished. So I told myself it was a necessary sacrifice I had to make to keep my dream man. I answered, “No, it won’t be a problem. I can do without you going down on me.” It was settled then.

It’s been ten years now since we got married. After all these years, I cannot say that my husband is a terrible lover. Neither can I say that he is a terrific lover. He does his best to satisfy me by stimulating my clitoris with his fingers, but it’s not enough. I need his tongue there too. I have asked him several times if he would break his rule for me and give me what I want but his answer remains a firm NO. So I just play my role as a wife and make sure my man’s needs are tended to.

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He knows I am very neat down there. He says it all the time. I know this was not our agreement before we entered the marriage but the original plan is no longer working for me. Am I a bad wife for wanting more? Am I supposed to just give up on my sexual fantasies just because we are married?

He is a good man, that I won’t lie. He gives me everything I need. I am so content with him as a husband. And I know I love him too much to even think of another man. However, there is no finishing when it comes to the bedroom. He does everything right and hits all the right spots, but the fact he doesn’t go down on me makes our sex life taste like a good meal without salt. It’s not enjoyable.

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What if I get some sex toys to make up for what I don’t get from him? Will that be a sin? All I want is more intimacy. There are things in my head that I want to do to him. I want to explore his body like it’s a roadmap to a hidden treasure. I want to show him there are many ways we can enjoy each other that do not involve only penetration. However, my husband does not let me. He is a traditional man to a fault.

He also isn’t willing to bend and give me what I want. What do I do, please? Should I get the toys and keep being the traditional wife he wants? Or is there a way I can communicate my needs to him without coming across as being pushy?

— Kamaria

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