Two years ago, our love for each other led us to the altar. We exchanged vows and had our relationship bound before God, our families, friends, and guests. It was an elegant ceremony, something that most little girls dream about. Usually, the story ends during the wedding dance, or when the couple walks into the sunset after the wedding reception. And we are either told, “The End” or “… and they lived happily ever after.” It is the thought that the end of the ceremony would begin a happy chapter in our life that makes us desire marriage.
However, we are often told that the story doesn’t end when we walk into the sunset and that there is no such thing as happily ever after. Well, I beg to differ. I have experienced nothing but happiness since Selem and I got married. He is a good man. I have not had to deal with any unnecessary drama. There is nothing like abuse, cheating, partying, and coming home drunk. He is not an insecure man who tries to stifle my growth to feed his ego. He does not aim to control me, “I don’t want you to go to this place,” or “I don’t want you to talk to this person.” There is none of that in our marriage. If anything he pushes me and supports me to do the things that make me happy.
It’s not just him, his family is a good one too. They have been kind to me right from the moment Selem introduced me to them. They treat me like one of theirs and look after me just the same. I can boldly say that I am enjoying my marriage. The house we currently live in was given to my husband by his after our wedding. It’s a very big house and it speaks volumes of their family’s wealth. Besides that house, Selem’s parents own several other houses in different locations in the capital.
Because of the houses his family own, my husband sees no point in building a house of his own. Once, I suggested, “Honey, we should get land and start building something of our own.” He looked at me like I had just grown two heads, “What are you talking about? Is this house we live in not enough for you? Okay if it isn’t, we have several others. We can choose from any of them.” I shook my head and said, “No, you misunderstand me. This house and all the others belong to your family. You need to have one of your own. We as a couple need a house that’s ours.” He responded, “Then you will have to wait till I am rich enough to build my own house. Until then, let’s enjoy what we already have.”
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This is the one time where the differences in our backgrounds are causing problems for me. Unlike him, I come from a family of hustlers. We were raised to fight for things we want. So I am not comfortable just sitting still and enjoying what I know does not belong to me. I am the eldest among my siblings. So I want to set a good example for my younger siblings. Besides, if I build a house of my own, it would benefit my mother.
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I have given it a lot of thought and decided that I would save some money from my salary, acquire a piece of land, and start something. Even if I won’t live in it, I will feel safe knowing that I have my own place, and my family will benefit from it. I spoke to Selem about it, “What do you think about me building something for myself.” As always he was supportive, “Oh, that’s a good idea. If you can afford it, go for it. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. In the end, what is yours is mine just as what is mine is yours.” “If you are saying my house is your house, does it mean you will add your resources to mine when I need you to?” I asked him. He shook his head, “No I won’t. I already told you that I don’t have money to build.”
He believes that I am rushing things. He keeps saying that we have a lot of houses. But the truth is, I don’t see myself as part of the “We”. I am only an in-law to the family. Things are good now but no one knows tomorrow. That’s why I feel the need to do something so I don’t end up unprepared in the event that something goes wrong. I have a baby so it’s not just about me anymore. I am currently looking at three options. One, I could go ahead with the building and let Selem know that this is what I am doing. Two, I could start the building and keep it a secret from my husband and his family in order to maintain peace in the marriage. And lastly, I could just listen to Selem and not bother with the building at all. I would go with his flow of enjoying the benefits of free accommodation. What do you suggest I do?
–Akosua
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My sister start building your own and for peace sake don’t mention about it anymore but it won’t be a secret because you told him from the beginning and he said you you go ahead with it. The only issue is that you forgot to update him. That’s all!! And oh please make sure the details of project is in your name and a member of your family for future reference. You are doing the right thing.
Hello Akosua, it is the uncertainty in the future that is why we must always prepare. Go ahead and build but don’t tell him. All documents should be in your name and not your parents or siblings. People tend to be greedy over what is not theirs. Don’t feel guilty you are not telling him.
Some wives depended on their husband’s property and at the end of the day they lost all due to cheating etc. You are wise. Build your own
Your husband is not against the idea of you building the house at the first place so why should you bother yourself on this issue. He is already aware of what you want to do so go ahead with your plan as long as you can afford it. Good luck my sister.
Akosua, tell your husband and go ahead with the building. It’s a good thing but it belongs to the two of u. Keeping this away from him is going to cause problem in the future if he finds out. Once trust is broken, it’s gone for trust is like glass.
My dear, just go ahead and build a house uu can also call ur own. You ain’t doing any bad thing about uu not informing him; coz, shd uu do so, it’s guin to bring a lot of issues in ur marriage.
So jux start saving and build urs coz NO ONE KNOWS TOMORROW!
Your husband has no issue with you building and he has not insisted in being part owner. Be transparent and let him know what you are doing. If you hide it from him, your conscience will hound you and when he finds out, and believe me he will, he will never trust you again and you will loose the blissful marriage you are enjoying now. Finally, I doubt your commitment to this marriage if after making babies together you are still fixated on his family and my family.
You can go ahead and build but you must bear in mind that the house belongs to you both. I’m just shocked that many of the ladies see it as solely yours.
If he decides to buy a house tomorrow and dies, you will certainly claim it or even when you divorce. Same applies here. He can argue while you are saving to build, he’s handling the rent (he’s providing accomodation and providing services to his family in lieu of payment). He is also paying extra for food and utilities cos you no longer have money available to contribute to the table. Therefore, he has an interest in your house even if he did not specifically contribute to it. Chances are, you will almost certainly borrow small small from him to complete that project that may never be laid back.
Once you start keeping secrets from your other half it breeds mistrust. He will also start keeping things from you and the repercussions will be bad. Talk to him, he sounds like a level headed person. Let him know your desire to secure a place for your family. By all means build, but don’t keep it from hi.