You Don’t Have To Tell Your Husband Everything

“Marriage is a beautiful thing.” This is something I have heard all my life. I have also heard beautiful stories people share about marriages. I’ve seen for myself people living these beautiful experiences. And I dreamed about having one of those marriages my entire life. I have always wanted to raise my children in a peaceful and happy home. So I always prayed to God to bring me the best man for me.

When I first met Charles, I knew that we were meant to find each other. Our passions aligned so it was easy for us to bond. There was nothing we didn’t talk about. We believed it was important that know everything about each other. If I went somewhere, I would give him, in great detail, my experiences. He also did the same with me. It was our way of ensuring accountability in the relationship.

This also helped us connect on a deeper level. And we understood each other better. He was my strongest support system and I was his too. For the four years that we dated, things were almost perfect between us. He always pushed me to be better. He took pride in my accomplishments as though they were his. I also stood by him as he climbed higher in every aspect of his life.

After four years of dating, we got married. Whatever we had before marriage got better after marriage. We kept open lines of communication. Life also treated us well. We had a few challenges along the way but we overcame them. After ten years of marriage, I think I have my version of the saying, “Marriage is a beautiful thing.” Mine says, “Marriage is beautiful when you figure out and adopt the strategy that works for you.” Now let me tell you how I got to this point.

Over the years we have both supported each other to make a lot of progress in our lives. I got my PhD two years after my husband got his. And we are both in academia. Due to the way Charles and I share everything about each other, he even knew about my money. If someone gave me a gift I would tell him. If someone paid me a compliment too, I would go home and tell him. And whenever something happened at work, I would gist him.

In the latter part of 2022, I got a mentor. He is a very high-profile male at my place of work. As usual, I ran home and told my husband, “Charley, one of my bosses called me into his office today. He says I’m hardworking so he would like to mentor me.” He mirrored my excitement as I shared the news. I continued, “I am going to work hard with him so that he will mention my name at all the right places.” My husband agreed with me and gave me the push to go ahead.

The man is a Christian and an extremely generous person. He has taken me as a daughter. And he treats me the same way he would his child. He would give me money (both local and foreign currencies), favours, and gifts. He is very good at surprising me with gifts that blow my mind.

Just as we have always done, I told my husband everything. I showed him the gifts and money too. We talked about the fact that the man has never made any advances at me. All he did was give me work and gifts. I explained this to my husband and he understood.

I thought we were on the same page until he woke up one day and decided that my boss had amorous intentions toward me. “I don’t want you to work with this man anymore. He likes you. No man will give a woman all these gifts for free. Trust me, he wants something from you.” I tried to reason with him but he said no way.

Soon enough he started snooping through my phone. He became suspicious of everything I did. For someone who knew everything about me, he started exhibiting serious trust issues. This turned into a series of arguments between us. One time we had a big fight. Something that never happened in our ten years together. He wanted me to stop working with my boss because of his insecurities. But I wasn’t ready to give up a good mentor and mess with my career.

Things got so bad that I decided to seek counselling from a mature older female friend. She told me, “My dear, you made a big mistake. You don’t have to come home and tell your husband everything that happens to you. He simply can’t comprehend it, so you have to learn how to present issues to your husband. Another man gifts you 500 USD, and you come home to tell your husband? What do you want him to do?”

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While I thought about it she added, “When you go for a training program with your boss, you don’t have to tell your husband that you went in your boss’s car, or that he bought you lunch. All the details are not necessary. You went to work, that’s all. Your husband doesn’t need the details of what you did at work.” Me, I thought I was doing good by being very open with my husband, but I was taught that the majority of men can’t handle that. So I learned my lessons.

I learnt that it’s not every piece of information you should give to your spouse. The ones you give too, package them well so it doesn’t create problems at home. Ever since I learned this, I don’t tell my husband everything. I don’t talk about the places I go, the meetings I attend, who I attend these meetings with, and the gifts and rewards I receive. I say nothing.

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We just talk  about general things. We don’t give details anymore. And we avoid unnecessary conversations. Surprisingly, peace has been restored in our home since. We are back to our happy lives again. He is not agitated anymore. And I also have the peace of mind to concentrate on my work.

In the past, I thought it was a good idea to let your spouse know everything that’s going on with you. However, I have learned that that strategy doesn’t work for everyone. You must know what to tell and what not to tell. I thank God that I stumbled upon this knowledge just in time to restore the peace and joy in my home. I hope it helps someone here.

—Dee

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