The other day, I read a story here about a woman who blamed herself for losing her baby. She believes it happened because she didn’t take her prenatal vitamins consistently. I am here to tell her and any woman in her shoes that all is well.

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Sometimes, we forget that we are merely humans and life is not a linear equation. Things don’t happen to us because of what we did or did not do right. My experiences have taught me that you can do everything by the books and still have no baby to show for it.

If antenatal clinics were a school, I would have emerged valedictorian twice in a row. Doctors and midwives applauded me for never missing my appointments. I took my vitamins and all other medications religiously. I was on a mission to have a healthy baby, and I made sure nothing stood in my way.

Despite my best efforts, my first baby didn’t see light. He was born sleeping. I didn’t even get the chance to hold him in my arms for one second.

It’s a miracle that I didn’t lose my mind. I had carried the pregnancy full term only to be robbed of the joy of hearing my baby’s first cry. For several months, I was inconsolable.

Our families encouraged us to try again as soon as possible. “If you waste too much time grieving, you will struggle to conceive the next child. You have to keep moving,” they counselled.

In our brokenness, my husband and I found comfort in each other. That’s how the second pregnancy came about.

This time around, I was even more careful. When someone says, “Pregnant women don’t do this,” I would nod and try not to do that thing. Hospital appointments were never missed. I took my medication on time too. I did everything I was told to do.

I woke up one morning and something didn’t feel right with the baby. I was rushed to the theatre for an emergency Caesarean section when we got to the hospital.

Unfortunately, my child came out with a congenital heart condition. My world turned upside down when they broke the news to us. Regardless, I held on to hope. I am a prayerful woman so I spent a lot of time asking God to show Himself strong in our situation.

“You are a healing Jesus. I trust you to make my son’s heart whole again,” I prayed fervently.

My son spent two weeks in NICU before he finally took his last breath.

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As I write this, I am still healing from my C.S. wound while trying to make sense of yet another child loss.

Still, I haven’t lost hope. I know the God I serve. His ways are not ours. In His own time, he will give me a healthy baby who will outlive me.

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While I wait for my miracle, I have stopped feeling guilty and blaming myself for circumstances I had no control over. I want to tell that lady that it wasn’t her fault what happened to her child.

She is not alone in her grief. There are women like me who obeyed all the rules but still lost. We see her. We understand the heaviness of that guilt. We know it’s a difficult journey, but healing is possible if she forgives herself and holds on to hope.

— Rukaya

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