The first married woman I dated was my classmate from senior high school. When I went to class the very first day, I sat next to her and got her name as Virginia. One beautiful girl. I got connected to her instantly. That day we went for a break together. When it was time for dining, I went with her and sat at the same table with her. The idea was to build a friendship with her first and later propose. But just when I was laying the foundation for a later relationship, a senior walked into her life and swept her off her feet. I was devastated. I felt like crying. To make matters worse, this senior started picking on me. He would punish me for no offense. He would make me lie on the ground and step on me just because he saw me walking with Virginia, my classmate.

He made life miserable for me on campus so I decided to withdraw a little. I stopped talking to her and stopped moving around with her until the senior completed school and left campus. I started pushing towards her with the grand agenda to make her my girlfriend. One night after entertainment, I stopped her in a corner and told her everything; “You see, I’ve had mad love for you since the very first day I set my eyes on you. I was preparing the grounds to tell you how I feel when I realized that senior Magoo had taken over. You were the reason he nearly killed me here n campus. I was patient because I know how this normally ends. Senior complete school, he leaves and forgets about you. Exactly what had happened. I’m here now asking you to give me a chance. A chance to prove my worth in love.”

I thought I’d given her Romeo and Juliet lines and was waiting patiently to get a yes from her. She said, “I’m sorry but I’m still with Magoo. Ours isn’t like how you described it. I was with him during the vacation. We live not too far apart so I saw him often. I’m sorry to disappoint you but I still love him.”

I didn’t give up. When we were in the third year, I tried again. It was intensive. I was on her every day to accept my proposal but she kept saying no to me until our last day on campus when I couldn’t take the no anymore. We sat behind one of our classrooms. I was begging her to say yes to me. She was not even together with senior Magoo but she kept saying no to me. I looked left and right. Nobody was coming so I held her head, pushed it towards me, and kissed her. It lasted for a second but I believed it would last me for a lifetime. She said, “Why do you have to force it?” I answered, “Because I can’t take it anymore.”

We lost contact after school. The next time I saw her she was married. Married with two kids but still looked like the girl I fell in love with back in school. She worked in a hospital I visited with my mother. She took my mom into her care and gave her the best attention she needed. I called her when she was on duty to ask how my mom was doing and she gave me the update. Mom spent a week at the hospital. That gave me the opportunity to see Virginia every day. When my mom was discharged, I met Virginia after her shift just to show appreciation and she said, “Let’s do it better. I’m off this weekend. If you have time we can meet.”

We met and it was our time in school that dominated the conversation. I said, “Girl I was madly in love with you.” She responded, “I was too young to understand. You know I still remember that kiss you stole from me?” I said, “How would you forget? It is the mark of the beast.” We laughed. I sat next to her in her car as we look for a good place where I could alight and get a car back to my house. Tension built. I could feel it and I knew if I try I would get her so I tried giving her a peck on her cheek and she met me with her lips. 

Relationship blossomed. We were together for about two years. I didn’t leave her and she didn’t leave me. As I write this, I believe if I should call her right now to meet me, she would. Was she lonely in her marriage? Was her husband treating her badly? Did she lack attention? The answer to these questions is no. 

The second married woman was a dentist. Married for nine years with three kids. I had issues with my teeth and I went to her clinic. A clinic she owns. She checked my teeth and asked me to come back in a week’s time. I went back and she said, “You’ve done very well for coming. A lot of people come here and you ask them to come back but they don’t. All because they saw improvement after they had left.” She did something to my teeth and gave me her card. She said, “If it starts to get painful in the night, give me a call, I will show you what to do.”

I went home and nothing happened. Three days later I called her and she gave the impression of someone who wanted to be a friend. We kept calling each other until we met one Saturday evening. She said, “If you showed me your house and you told me it was ok to visit, then maybe one day I will pass by.” 

She passed by one day and by the time she left, we were in a relationship. A good-looking woman who smells like a flower garden. I loved her so much at some point I wished she was not married. We spent time in beautiful places. I would be with her and she would be video calling her husband who thought she had traveled for a workshop. They would be doing lovey-dovey stuff right when I’m around but hidden from view. The questions that ran through my head were, “If she loves her husband so much then why is she here with me?” This is a question I couldn’t bring myself to ask her. From the onset, she made it clear that we can’t discuss her marriage. “My marriage is off-topic. I’m with you because I like you genuinely. Let’s keep the conversation around the feelings we have for each other and not my family.”

I wasn’t giving her anything but she was ok spending on me whenever we had to spend a night in a place. She would post her family on her status and thank God for blessing her with such a beautiful family. She would doll on her husband all day and later sneak into my arms. That was something I couldn’t understand but couldn’t also talk about because it was a no go area. We dated intensively for two years until we started pulling away little by little from each other. We didn’t draw the curtains on the relationship. I think if I should call her right now and say, “I miss you. Why don’t you come over?” She may come.

I’m a man. I need a woman of my own. No matter how good these women were to me, I wasn’t going to own them. They loved their husbands so much they wouldn’t leave them for me so I set out to look for my own. I met Agnes and we’ve dated for four years. I’ve been faithful to her all these years that we’ve been together. When I made a decision to walk away from married women, I made it a point never to look back or look left and right for another woman. It was always Agnes. So far so good. She’s been a good woman. She doesn’t talk too much. She rather shows her love than talk about it. 

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To me, marriage is a value proposition. You marry a woman who brings value to your life the same way you also improve her life. Other than that, I see no reason to be with a woman just because of love. Agnes has the brain of a winner and she uses it at any given point. Anything she touches turns to gold. Gold has value and it’s the reason I’m stuck with her. Recently the conversation has become about marriage. She asks me when we are going to get married. She asks about future plans and even the number of kids we plan to have. All the things women get jiggy about when it’s about marriage. I love her. I would like to marry her but you know what? I’m scared. 

I don’t trust Agnes to be faithful to me.

She hasn’t done anything for me to suspect her but those two married women I dated have given me all the reasons not to trust a woman. Agnes looks happy when she’s with me. Virginia looked happy with her husband. The dentist too. But all the while they were expressing their love for their husband, they were with me doing things they should have done with only their husbands. I think about it and I feel so cold. I even shiver at the thought of it because it happened. And I was there when it happened. I was the one it happened to. 

So Agnes wants to marry. I want to marry her too but I can’t let go of the thoughts of her cheating with another man. Not because I did it but because I’ve come to believe that women would cheat even when you give them everything they want. They can be happy and smiling with you just when they had returned from another man’s bed. This is the reason I haven’t been able to commit to marriage plans with Agnes. It’s too scary. But I want to do it. I want to bring myself to a place where I can believe and take a step. So my question is, how do I shake this thought off my head and stay positive? I don’t want to marry her and wear the same pant with her. Be suspicious of the little things she does. She wants her freedom after marriage and I would want to be able to guarantee that. 

How do I do it?

–Tuga

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