We were in the same tertiary together, me and my friend Jane. Because we came from the same town, friendship became easier for us. We found each other in the first year and remained friends for the rest of our stay on Campus. We went to do our national service in different places. She went to a government institution and I was placed in the private sector. We came home often, especially on weekends when there was a church program or when a mutual friend was getting married. It was one of those visits that she told me she had gotten a boyfriend from where she works. “You should see him and watch how he cares for me. Do you know because of him I don’t touch my national service allowance? He provides everything and takes care of my happiness.” 

She raved about this guy she had found each time we talked on the phone or met each other. I will call her in the evening and she wouldn’t pick up. Later she will call back to tell me she was with her boyfriend and couldn’t answer the phone. “You can’t talk to a friend because you’re with your boyfriend?” She answered, “I know you. When we start to talk, we don’t finish. I don’t want to leave him lonely while we talk on the phone.” I was losing my friend to a guy. That made me a little bit jealous but I was also happy for her knowing the disappointment we’ve gone through at the hands of men. I thought of giving her space but the nature of our friendship was such that one cannot intentionally withdraw. There’s always something to talk about or something that brings us together.

Right after national service, she told me, “I’m getting married. I told you he loves me like crazy. He said we should get married.” Something didn’t feel right for me. It felt too sudden. It felt rushed but I shoved my doubts down where it belongs and cheered with her. The guy came home for the knocking and I was there. It was the first time I saw him. He spoke softly and bowed to elders whenever he was required to talk. Everything about him said, “I’m humble because I was raised well.” After the knocking, I shook hands with him and we talked extensively for the first time. He said he had heard a lot about me and I also said the same thing.

The next time I saw him again was their wedding. A week before the wedding I saw Jane and she looked like she had gained weight. Her breast looked full though she was doing everything to hide it from view. I said, “Jane, you’re pregnant.” She said, “Can you see a pregnant woman when you meet one? What about me shows that I’m pregnant? I’m not. How can I be pregnant when I have only a week to my wedding?” I said, “Your breast. It doesn’t look normal.” She laughed girlishly. “I’m ovulating, that’s why. You of all people should know this? Can I be pregnant and you won’t know about it?”

She got married in May. She gave birth in December. She didn’t want to do the maths with me so we didn’t talk about it. For some reason, she came back to live with her parents while her husband continued to live where she went to do the national service. We were still friends. I visited her often and we tried to do things together. One day she asked for a loan from me. I gave it to her without asking what she was using the money for. Three months later, she came back for a loan. Again, I gave it to her. Luckily for me, I was working then but she wasn’t. I was in the position to help so I did.

One day she confided in me that her husband wasn’t taking care of her since they got married. “He had abandoned me. When I call he doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t even care about the baby. When I want t go and visit him, he gives me excuses. The marriage is young but I’ve already lost interest.” I encouraged her and told her to get a job and start taking care of herself. Her baby was a little over a year when I saw her pregnant again. “Jane, again?” She answered, “But what can I do? He’s my husband. If I go to him and he wants it, I have to give it to him.” Anytime she called me, it was about money. It got to a point I didn’t let her ask before giving it to her. I will go out and shop for her and the kids. When she needed money and I had it, I gave it to her.

The second born was also barely one year old when she got pregnant again. Within a twinkle of an eye, she became a mother of four to a husband who doesn’t care about her. I felt I’d been quiet for so long. It was the reason she kept making the same mistake so I sat her down and told her what I believed was true. “Jane, you don’t live with this man. He’s your husband but lives his life elsewhere while you’re living yours. Does that not scare you? And from your own mouth, he doesn’t supply your needs so why do you keep giving birth for him? Four is Ok. Time to think about your own life. Get a proper job. Take good care of yourself and stop becoming a baby machine for a man who doesn’t care about you.”

After this conversation, she started giving me an attitude. She won’t pick up my calls and would be acting cold each time I visited her. I asked what the issue was and she said there was nothing. I knew Jane. She wouldn’t act cold towards me for no reason. After speaking to two or three mutual friends, one told me, “She told me you advised her to leave her husband all because of the small-small money you’ve been given her but if you think you have it all, marry and stop throwing your weight about.” What she said goes deeper than I can write in English. According to her, I haven’t been married before and don’t know how it feels like to be pregnant so I lack the right to advise her about her own life. I wasn’t happy when I heard that and I’m not a woman to swallow bitter pills so I went to her and ask questions.

She said, “Yes you help me when I need help but that doesn’t give you the right to talk about my life the way you did. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it to your face but it’s exactly how I feel.” I apologize to her and promised never to say anything concerning her marriage again. From there, the friendship became shaky. We didn’t talk like we used to. When I invited her to my wedding, she was again heavily pregnant so she didn’t come. I didn’t take any offense. I’ve been married for over a year now. I haven’t gotten pregnant. It’s not like I’m under any pressure to get pregnant. I believe in God’s time being the best so I’m living my life and taking things a step at a time. 

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I was talking to a mutual friend recently when she said something that shocked me to the core. She asked me, “Are you fighting with Jane?” I answered, “No we are not fighting.” She said, “If you know that you’ve done something against her, please go and apologize to her because she’s really bitter about something.” I asked her, “So what did she say about me to you?” She answered, “We were talking and you came up. She said if you think giving birth is easy why haven’t you given birth by now? And then she added, “We are all here. She’ll give birth for us to see.”

I screamed, “Jane said that to you?” She answered, “We are friends. If you ask her and she denies it, call me and I’ll testify right in front of her.” In fact, I’ve never cried like that in my adult life. The kind of tears I shed that day. “Jane that takes money from me and doesn’t payback? Jane that I shopped for her and her kids? What did I do to deserve that kind of witch-hunting?” So when my husband came home that night, I told him everything but you know men, they take things lightly. All he said was, “Don’t mind her, we’ll invite her to a naming ceremony very soon. She’s not God to determine life and death.” 

He said I shouldn’t confront her but the more I think of it the more I feel like I should confront her and tell her my mind. When I spoke to her that day, I spoke from a clean heart thinking she’ll listen to me with an open mind. As I write this, I know her marriage is in shambles. She didn’t tell me about it but I know the man is asking for a divorce because he’s living with another woman where he is. It means my advice was well placed. Even when she took an offense, I apologized so why would she have such a devilish scheme against me? Honestly, I want to confront her woman to woman and take her up on her words. It might sound like a joke until you see the manifestation of it in the future. I’m asking, should I go ahead and confront her, or I should just stick to what my husband said?

I believe calm would be restored in me when I make my points known to her. What do you think? 

–Ampofoaa 

#SilentBeads

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