I noticed it the first time we ate together. Her mouth couldn’t stay shut. She ate and made a lot of noise while eating. I looked at her, thinking it would stop along the way. It never did. Her mouth made a chaw-chaw sound until the food got finished. If we were eating at a public place, I would have probably been embarrassed but then I would go closer to her and whisper, “Can you tone it down? The way you chew on the food. It’s so loud. Can you chew a little bit silently? You’re drawing attention to us.” But that wasn’t the situation. We were in her house and eating what she herself had cooked. I thought it was because we were in her house that was why she was feeling so comfortable with the way she was eating. When She picked up the bottle of water and started drinking, you could hear the gulping sound, gona—gona—gona, even from a distance. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not.
She asked me, ”Did you enjoy the food?” I said, “Yeah I did. You’re such an awesome cook. I don’t mind eating this every day.”
That brought the curtains down to our first date in her house. It was actually our second month in a relationship. When the relationship is that new, you’re measured in what you say. You are careful so you don’t get the other party angry. You put up your best behaviour. You create big impressions that score you big marks. That isn’t the time to draw her attention to her eating habits. Plus, it was the first time I was seeing it.
She came over to my house a week later. We were watching a movie when I served her a biscuit and drinks. At some point, I had to increase the volume of the TV to mask out her chewing sound. It was very irritating. Chaw-chaw-chaw as if she was in an eating competition with someone else. People sip their drinks. She doesn’t know how to sip. There is a way she does it. I can’t explain. You could virtually hear the sound of the drink travelling down her throat. She gulps the whole thing down creating the sound of gushing water through a pipe. I said to myself that day, “Nooo I can’t bear with this. There’s a way to go about it.”
I thought about it for days. I even googled; “How to tell your girlfriend to chew silently without making her feel bad.” Among the search results, I found, “How to deal with a loud chewer.” I read everything and picked up some notes. I told myself, “I’m well-armed for the next time when she chews loudly.” We ate together again in the car while going home. It was worse. Chaw-chaw-chaw. I had to turn up the volume of the radio. I wanted to tell her but no matter how you look at it, it wasn’t easy. Won’t I hurt her confidence? Won’t I turn her inward? Won’t I drive her away from me? Those were the questions that ran through my head. Again, she escaped. I couldn’t say anything.
The next time was at my house. She slurped from the cup she was drinking from. It was rice she cooked herself but she made the rice sound like she was eating crispy chips. I told her, “Dear, There’s something I want to tell you but I don’t know how you’re going to take it.” She said, “Are you going to leave me?” We both laughed. I said, “No. Not at all. How can I leave you? What have you done to deserve that? It’s just about the way you eat. Maybe it’s about me. It makes me uncomfortable the way you eat your food. The noise when you chew. The noise when you drink. It draws my attention away from the conversation to the way you eat. Is there a way you can correct that?”
She was quiet for a while. I said, “Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m only drawing your attention to it.” She asked me,”Since when did you notice that?” I said, “From the first time I came to your house and we ate together.”
“And you didn’t draw my attention to it?”
“I didn’t know how to. It takes a lot of courage to do that.”
“Well, I haven’t noticed. I will work on that.”
It kept happening. Whenever it happened, I would lift my eyes and give her a wink. She will slow down on it but you could realize she wasn’t comfortable. She’ll chew in slow motion. It will take her forever before she finishes chewing on a piece of food. Minutes later, she’ll forget about herself and start going louder again. So I concluded that she can’t stop. She also confirmed that she had been eating like this all her life and I’m the only one who has a problem with that.
We went to a wedding recently and food was served. She picked up her spoon and was about to begin eating when she saw my face. She put the spoon down and leaned back into her chair. I asked, “Ain’t you eating again?” She said, “I’m ok. I don’t think I’m hungry.” She sat and watched me eat my food in silence. That wasn’t the first time she was shunning food because of me. It was about the third or the fourth time. The two of us are supposed to be happy together. We’ve dated for close to eight months without any troubles except the loud, lip-smacking sounds she makes when eating.
Currently, she’s not happy when she’s with me. She’ll visit me and will not eat anything. She’ll say, “I ate on my way coming so I’m good.” But you look at her critically and you realize she’s hiding something. One late evening, we were in the bedroom about to sleep when she entered the hall. Five minutes later I also went to the hall and saw her eating in front of the fridge. It was around 11pm. She had rejected food hours earlier. It broke my heart to see her that way. How long is she going to hide and eat? How long would she go out with me and reject food just because I’m around?
She’s a good girl. She deserves more happiness than she’s getting currently. I want to call off the relationship so she can have her peace of mind and eat freely without me complaining about the way she eats. It’s not personal. It’s not an agenda to run away from a relationship. I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m trying to be a realist here and put myself in her shoes and feel how she’s feeling. Love is supposed to be freeing but currently, she’s acting caged and she does that only in my presence. Is there any other way to handle this situation other than how I’m going about it?
I’m open about it. If I find a suggestion that would work. I will go all out to make things work. I’m here. I will be reading the comments. If I get a solution that works, I will come back with an update. Thanks in advance.
–Kelvin
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Please try eating separately if that will work
Ask her friend whether she feels like she makes noise, but let her know that you’re going to ask her friend. If it’s apparent, then you can work something out. Does she close her mouth when she’s eating? Maybe that would help to reduce the sound. Or trying practicing drinking water with her; take her through it slowly, so it becomes a habit(if she doesn’t get annoyed). But anytime you do this, assure her that you love her through your words and actions and tell her not to let it reduce her self esteem or confidence. You can do this for a month and see.
Hmmm I felt so sad when I read this post.
Please if she is a good girl as u say, then kindly make an agreement with her to get someone who will have the patience and the time to make her see reasons why she has eat silently. But u can’t take this step without informing her first and also tell her not to lose her self confidence in your presence
As someone with a strong misophonia for chewing sounds and slurping, I can totally understand your plight. It is a complete turn off and deal breaker for me. I get so irritated that I can’t even help it and it’s nothing personal. I noticed it is easier to help children in their formative years through dining etiquette. Unfortunately, you are dealing with a fully grown adult who is stuck in her eating habits (subconsciously) and that could pose a bigger challenge. Having said that, I don’t think you should loose a good woman over such nuance. Help her understand your deal with ‘misophonia’ so she knows you are not just whining over nothing. But more importantly , with patience and in a loving way continue to remind her to eat with her mouth closed, and to sip on her drinks. Or sign her up for a table etiquette class(with her consent, of course)… and hopefully, this would be one less problem to deal with in your future together. After all, isn’t love about being supportive and making each other better? Wishing you the very best!