If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.
I needed someone to talk to. It got to a point everything I loved seemed to come for my neck. Because of the secret I was holding in my heart, I couldn’t relate very well to Erica. She was very happy and bubbly around me but I had to force things to be there. I had to force a smile. I had to force excitement. Nothing was genuine and she saw it. Erica isn’t stupid. She might have been in love with me but the kind of love she had for me wasn’t blind. She saw the change in me so she started asking questions.
“Are you going through some challenges?”
“No, I’m not. I’m very OK.”
“You’re not yourself and it shows. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Babe I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Are you having second thoughts about us?”
“Mtcheew…”
Damien also came with his questions. His was very intense. He was a boy in love and didn’t understand why he should hide our affair. He said, “Or you have another boyfriend that Erica is aware of. If she gets to know about us, she’ll spill the secret to me?” I faked a smile. I told him, “I met you through Erica and I know who Erica is. The fact that I didn’t tell her anything right from the start will trigger her. It’s the reason I’m asking you to take your time.”
There’s something a friend told me when I was in school. When she told me I laughed at her. She said, “You haven’t been heartbroken before so you won’t understand. You’ll talk to anybody who will listen at that moment.” She told me when her boyfriend of six years left her, she nearly died. She needed someone to listen to her and tell her that it was alright. So she picked up her phone and called any number that came to mind. She interchanged her own numbers to form a new phone number so she could call. She said one day someone picked. He was an old man. It was that man who put her heart at ease. I said, “I didn’t know heart breaks can push people this far.”
When I was lost in my trouble, that was what came to my mind. So I called a stranger one morning. His voice wasn’t friendly. He was in a hurry to leave the phone so we couldn’t talk. I called another line. Another man picked up. After listening to my problem he said, “You mean you’re a woman but you want to sleep with women? That thing is spiritual ooo. Talk to your pastor but if you want to taste a man, I’m here.” Then he laughed. He later said, “Sister I’m playing errn. Don’t take me seriously.”
I called another line. This was a woman. She said, “Eiii you scammers are trying hard ooo. Is that your new trick? What do you want me to do, give you my momo pin?” She laughed and hang up on me. I stopped calling strangers. Luckily for me, just around that time, Silent Beads posted my story. I was eager to know what everyone would say but I was also scared that I would be insulted and judged. It took me two days to gather the courage to read the comments. The few ones I read at first were very positive. Their responses were kind so they pushed me to read on and on. I loved that they were kind. I felt understood. I picked two or three pieces of advice I felt would work in my situation.
All I needed to do was break away from both of them. So I spoke to Erica. It was about time I told her the truth. She deserved it. She had been nothing but true to me so the least I could do for her was to be truthful. One day she sensed there was something wrong with me so she asked, “What are you not telling me? You’ve been acting like this for a while now. What’s the matter with you?” I answered, “I think I’m confused. There are so many things in my head now but I think the best for us now is to go our separate ways for a while. I need to engage myself and my life and see what’s happening.” She asked me, “Is there a man involved?” I nodded my head. She said, “I knew it. I suspected it from the way you were acting but why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I answered, “The whole thing is confusing. I’m disturbed. I need my balance.”
It wasn’t easy for her but she agreed with me. “Whenever you’re ready, let me know but does it mean we can’t talk until you’re ready?” I answered, “We’ll always be friends. We’ll talk.”
Damien wanted what he wanted. He was always giving me pressure so I told him I needed space. He screamed, “Space for what? Why are you behaving weirdly like that? What’s wrong with you?” That day he left my place in anger. He told me I should use all the space I wanted and he didn’t care again. It wasn’t easy for me but eggs have to break before you can prepare an omelette. I felt they both have to step aside for me to think through things properly.
A few days later, I got a call from Erica. She was pissed. She was talking at the top of her voice. She was too upset that she developed a stutter in her speech. She screamed, “So it’s my own Damien that’s confusing you? I introduced you to a friend and you got involved with him? Are you this cheap? I thought you were telling me everything so why didn’t you say anything about Damien when it started? I thought I could trust you. You’re just one of those girls who always end up stabbing you in the back.”
She wasn’t ready to listen to me. After ranting and cussing on the phone, she cut the line on me. I called afterwards but she didn’t pick up. I called Damien, “What did you do that for? I thought we agreed not to talk about it? Why did you rush to tell her about us? Did you know what you just did?” I poured my anger on him just as Erica poured hers on me. He said, “You girls are hiding something. I don’t know what’s going on with you two. Why are you behaving like you two are involved? You’re confusing me.”
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I had no option but to tell him the whole truth. He said, “I suspected it but I never for the life in me thought it could be true. Wow! You? Erica? What came over you? What did you see?” After that day he started pulling away from me. I knew it was the end of us so I didn’t try to keep him. He didn’t call for days and I didn’t call him too. I think at some point he blocked my line because I couldn’t see his status and I couldn’t see his profile image. I was alright, I was healing, I was going into myself to see who I really am so I didn’t care about them.
Months ago, Erica called me and I picked up. We talked for a long while. She asked, “Are you still in your space?” I answered yes. She asked, “Is there any chance for us?” I answered, “I don’t think so. I just want to be alone.” She left and has never called back. Not too long ago Damien called. After the ice break, he asked me, “Are you still mad at me?” I answered, “No, I’m not.” He asked, “Don’t you think we need to pick things where we left off? At least, the cat is already out and the problem is solved so what are we waiting for?” I told him, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I’ve moved on. I need a fresh start.”
He’s still lurking in the shadow. He calls every once in a while asking us to be together. He looks determined to have me. I’m also determined to move on from it all. I need to start all over again, from where no one knows about my past. I’m taking my time. I’m finding myself more and more and I’m getting more convinced about who I am. When I’m ready to go again, I know where to start and it’s definitely not going to be either Erica or Damien.
–Audrey
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