We locked eyes several times that day. I didn’t know him. I hadn’t met him before but I liked that he was looking at me. When I was painting my face, I hoped I would get someone’s attention and I was getting it from him. I felt accomplished. I don’t know what he was looking at each time he looked at me but I was assessing him to see if he was a guy I would date.

He looked handsome. He was seated but I could guess his height just by looking at his knees. When the event ended, I sat across the room waiting to see if he would approach me. Then boom, he did. “My name is Evans. You?”

I left with his number and he left with mine. Two weeks later, we were dating. He wasn’t anything like the men I’d dated; daring, naughty, outgoing, vocal. He was reserved, an almost shy kind of a guy. I had to give him a push to propose to me. I had to give him a push to have our first kiss. I had to nudge him to the wall so our first sex would happen.

It’s the only thing I didn’t like about him, the fact that he didn’t want to be in control of the relationship. That’s how I liked my men; imposing, loving, kind, naughty to a fault and above all, forgiving. I thought if I told him what I wanted from him, he would listen so as the days went by, I told him little by little what I expected from him. I made it obvious through actions and when I needed to be vocal about it, I did.

He didn’t take me seriously because nothing changed. I was still the one making the calls and telling him what to do. He loved to have sex but he pretended and withdrew it from me until I initiated. A year later, I was still the one initiating sex and making plans for the relationship. When I stopped initiating these things, we didn’t do it for months but I could see he wanted it.

I was disturbed that I was failing. I found a man I loved and thought I could turn him into the kind of man who made magic happen in our relationship but Evans wasn’t listening. He made me miss the kind of men I was dating. The daring kind, the naughty to a fault kind of men. The vocal ones who knew what they wanted. Cheating started crossing my mind but Evans was a kind man. I didn’t want to do that to him.

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“You don’t make me happy. You don’t even try to do the little things I tell you to do. Is that your way of telling me you don’t care about my feelings and don’t care about me? I feel unheard. It’s like I’m shouting in an empty room and the only thing I hear is the echo of my own voice. Won’t you do anything just for my sake?”

I showed desperation. I showed discontentment. I was loud and forceful about it so he could see that I meant everything I’d ever told him. Nothing changed so I decided to sit back and watch the relationship sink.

When I started withdrawing and he saw the change he asked questions. I took my time to put everything that was wrong on the table. “Even sex, I have to initiate it before you attempt to do it. I’ve told you often where to touch and where to hold but you don’t care. It’s always about you. That’s selfishness.”

He promised a change but that change never happened so I allowed myself to fall in love with a guy who had been knocking on my door for a very long time, Nick. Nick was doing everything right to get my attention and once I gave him my attention, he took me to the level I’d always wanted to be.

It was fun talking to him. Our conversations didn’t have barriers. The things we could do didn’t have a limit. The places we could go didn’t need a passport. We were always on the moon when we were together.

When it started getting serious, I told him about Evans. He said I should leave him for my own happiness. Talk about a man who is ready to lead. Nick was leading and he didn’t care that he was leading me away from my boyfriend. But I couldn’t leave Evans. For some reason, I felt my Evans also had his place in my life—a different place for that matter.

When I was bored, I ran to Nick. When I needed calm in my life, I crawled into the arms of Evans. I stopped complaining because I was getting what I complained about from somewhere else. We became very stable, I and Evans but our stability was a facade. Nick was the one pulling the strings behind the facade.

Evans wants us to get married, According to him, I’ve learned to accept him for who he is and he loves that about me. I agreed to marry him. Once I accepted to marry him, I ran to Nick to tell him about the new development. “We are getting married,” I told him. He asked, “So what happens to me?” “I don’t know. You decide,” I said.

Evans came to do the knocking. Nick didn’t go away. We started buying the things on the dowry list. Nick didn’t go away. We fixed a date for our wedding. Nick is still in the picture and is actively strumming my confusion with his fingers. I love the marriage. Evans is not a bad person. He’s just an old dog you can’t teach a new trick. Nick keeps pulling out new tricks from his hat. He makes it hard for me to stay true to Evans, especially when I’m addicted to what he brings to the table.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

I wish I could put the marriage on hold and settle things with Nick, break up with him or break free from both. But we’ve gotten too far every little hitch will mare the whole marriage process. I love the marriage. I’m a woman who loves to start a family, grow it and be in charge of seeing my babies grow. Only Evans can give me that at the moment. Nick doesn’t talk about marriage because he knows I’m committed to Evans. The whole thing is confusing.

I have a few months to make things right. I’ve told Nick to give me space but he doesn’t. I’m praying for strength to take up the space I’m looking for myself. I will leave him before I say I do because once I make the vow, I will want to stick to it and make things right.

—Kitty 

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