The day we stood before God, and our families to vow our unconditional love for each other was one of the happiest days of my life. It was so surreal, to finally get married to a man I loved and cherished more than anything. As far as I was concerned, the future held a lot of promises for us. The first few months into our marriage were more blissful than I could have dreamed of. And soon enough, the fruit of our love was evident. I conceived.

We went through pregnancy and the arrival of our son uneventfully. However, as the marriage progressed a lot of things started changing. Time and circumstances altered who we were individually and we could no longer make it work as a couple. Our families stepped in, and so did our pastors but our marriage was beyond saving. It wasn’t an easy choice but we had to agree that the best thing to do was to file for divorce.

We made frequent trips to court because the process was messier than we anticipated. And it wasn’t only messy, it was also draining and drags on and on without an end. On my way from one such trip, I met a young man named Yaw. It was a sunny afternoon and I was stressed so I didn’t have the patience for small talk. But I also didn’t want to be rude so I listened to whatever this guy had to say. He went straight to the point, “It’s not because of anything that I am bothering you this afternoon. You are beautiful and I felt an attraction to you the very moment I saw you.”

Had it not been that I was under duress, I would have laughed at his compliment. Who would have thought that a young man would find me attractive, during one of the lowest moments of my life? In order not to waste any more time with him I told him, “I am flattered but I can’t do this. I don’t have the headspace for any love interest.” He was determined; “Maybe my timing is off. What if I take your number and then we talk about it later?” He said. I agreed to give him my number on the condition that we can only be friends. He didn’t seem pleased but he agreed.

Later, we talked about ourselves. When he mentioned his age, I told him that I was older than him. Then I revealed the fact that I was going through a divorce and I had a son. He also told me about his work with a savings and loans company. From the look of things, he was a busy guy. Sometimes he got home from work at midnight. Yet that did not stop him from pursuing his agenda of getting me to be his girlfriend. I tried to tell him several times that I only wanted his friendship but he wouldn’t have any of it. He was always lurking in the shadows, constantly reminding me that he wants me.

One time I asked him, “Your work consumes all your time, so if I give you a chance right now where will you fit me?” His response was, “Where there is a will there is a way. We will make it work.” I thought about things hard but I didn’t feel we would work out so I didn’t accept his proposal.

Fast forward, three years after I met him, his interest in me had not waned. So I thought, “Why not give him a try? I haven’t been with anyone since my divorce and Yaw has been patiently waiting for me to look in his direction.” And I said yes to him a while ago. He is a great guy but our new relationship seems like a relationship involving an old married couple who have just fallen into a tiresome routine. We barely talk. It is not that he does not want to talk to me. He doesn’t have the time to.

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He literally works from dawn to dusk, even on weekends. He only has time to talk to me at midnight, but me too I have to wake up at 4:00 AM to go to work. This makes it difficult for me to talk to him on a daily basis. And now, I am wondering how we can manage a relationship without communication. I have spoken to him about learning to balance his work with our new relationship and he says he is working on it. But so far, I haven’t seen him make any effort.

This whole thing is giving me a déjà vu. I know that Yaw is not my ex-husband but this is similar to some of the red flags I ignored before getting married. If nothing at all, my past experience has taught me that relationships need to be groomed. Nothing must be left to chance. I have explained this to Yaw but he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. So, I am thinking of backing out to allow him to focus on his work seeing as it’s more important to him than I am. Will I be right to do that? Or am I just projecting my past onto him?

—Michelle

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