It was his mother who saw me first. She took one look at me and said, “Maame, I have a son you should meet. You will like him. He is young just like you. And the way you are beautiful, I am sure he will also like you.” This happened two years ago after I had been single for a while. I listened to the woman sing her son’s praises and then agreed to be connected to him.
While I work as a nurse, this guy works as a civil servant. I believe there is something about nurses that appeals to his mother. I am saying this because I heard she had tried to set some of my colleagues up with this very son of hers but none of them agreed to the match. Because I believe in not writing people off so easily, I started talking to him.
We talked on the phone for a while before we met each other. I liked him even before we met and I liked him more after we met. This was in March 2022. I have been praying about him since that time.
In December of that year, he took me to his village to meet his relatives. His father spent a long time talking to us so by the time he was done, it was late and we had to sleep there. That night I had a terrible nightmare involving this guy and his father. Even though he assured me that it was only a bad dream, I am still bothered by the nature of the nightmare.
Another thing that’s bothering me about him is that he doesn’t earn much. My meager salary as a diploma nurse is higher than his. I am currently funding myself to get a degree so I barely have cash in hand. If I did, this guy would have been spending my money. He is always asking me for money, and my giving nature always wants to give him. The only thing standing in my way is the fact that I don’t have the money to spare.
Although I understand the need for him to know if I am a supportive partner, I find it annoying whenever he asks me for money. Unlike him, I am an orphan. I am the one taking care of my siblings as well as myself. He only takes care of himself, yet he has never on his own offered to do anything for me.
Apart from these, his mum interferes a lot in the relationship. She is the one who set us up so she feels the need to insert herself in everything we do. If she calls me and I am in my house she would ask, “Maame, why are you at home? Why are you not at my son’s place?” Imagine having her as a mother-in-law.
The plan is for him to come and see my people this year, so we can start preparing for marriage. The thought of that happening is scaring me. So far, he seems nice but I’ve read a lot of stories about how people change after marriage. So I am asking myself if his niceness will not change after marriage.
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Besides, I need someone who will support me while I am trying to grow. I feel this guy is someone who would drag me back. The way he has never contributed financially to the relationship makes me worry that I will become the breadwinner in the marriage. I don’t know if my concerns are genuine or if I am the one thinking too much.
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I love the guy. I know I have my flaws but he is able to handle me as if I am perfect. If only he got certain things right, I wouldn’t have thought twice about marrying him. Could you believe that this guy has never asked how my siblings are doing? When he discusses his vision for his life, I don’t see myself in it. We are on completely different pages in life.
Marriage is a long journey. I don’t want to go into it and end up with regrets. I have all these concerns but I don’t know anyone to share it with. That’s why I am hoping you will help me decide if this marriage is a good idea.
—Grace
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A man must provide. Your concerns are right. You are entering into a very dangerous marriage where you will be the breadwinner. Women are not born to provide. You will regret the marriage. The shield for a man is a marriage is PROVISION without which, sooner or later, the woman will feel unsupported, unloved, uncared for. Love is not enough! Leave this relationship as early now.
We must stop promoting this wrong ideology. Who says women are not born to provide? Where’s the evidence supporting this assertion? Women can take care of the home just as men. Culturally, men are expected to provide. It is okay for a woman to find a provider in her partner. However, a woman can provide and feel loved, cared for and supported. Let’s stop promoting this wrong ideology which is ruining relationships and marriages.
Grace, I think your guy is managing his finances poorly or may have issues he is yet to discuss. Your fears are valid. Discuss some of these issues with him. If he’s honest, he’ll let you know what’s going on and why his dreams seems to exclude you.
Maame your concerns are right. Leave before you regret later. Someone who is always asking in a relationship how then can he provide in marriage. Marriage is not competition. Leave and don’t look back
I wonder which boxes he ticks for you. A man who cannot manage his finances and always begging for a handout? He must know by now that your siblings are important to you and yet he doesn’t ask you about them? The most dangerous red flag is that his vision excludes you! Who else should be in there if not the person you want to share the rest of your life with? Clearly, you are not that person. For now you are useful because you are resourceful. Flee like your life depended on it!
I don’t know how old are both of you, but you need to slow down on the marriage thing. Marriage is not a competition or a checkbox because it is a natural progression of life or you are aging. He may be too young to understand that you have siblings and to bring them into the conversation. Concentrate on building your friendship, intentionally ask him for support sometimes, read books on relationship, and attend relationship seminars together. I think you should not leave the relationship prematurely (am assuming both of you are still in your twenties) and slow down on the marriage while both of you mature together (they say men mature slower than men), and you need to prepare financially before marrying.
I guess his appearance or niceness made you to fall for him but that shouldn’t be your reason for accepting him.
You’ve seen all the reg flags from his family including the dream you had which of course might be a warning to you.
Be reasonable and know what is waiting for you in the future..