When she was pregnant with our second child, she resigned from work without telling me. At first, she said it was medical leave because she had a lot of complications during that pregnancy. When the leave kept going on for months, I asked if her company wasn’t worried that she wasn’t returning to work. She then told me, “How can I go to work with these complications? I resigned after the medical leave.”
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Apart from the complications, her other major reason for resigning was to be able to care for the children without being distracted by other things. To me, it was a good idea executed poorly. We could have talked about it, planned for the resignation, and executed it later when I had saved enough or she had saved enough. She didn’t give me a say. She simply resigned and informed me afterward.
Financially, we were not doing well. We had bills to pay: utilities, the kids’ school fees, food, fuel, and the almighty rent. I was disturbed, but I felt she needed time to rest after delivery, and we could address the situation later.
When our second son turned two—meaning I had carried the entire household on my shoulders for two years—I asked her when she planned to return to work. “Don’t you think it’s time to look for work?” I asked. She responded, “Work? At this time? Who’ll take care of the kids?”
I suggested we could hire someone or even bring my mom to help. Her answer was, “I’m not ready to outsource the care of my kids to strangers. Wait until they grow up a little.”
I listened to her and accepted her decisions for over two years. My finances were drained, and it became increasingly difficult to save. Even when her parents needed money, I had to provide it because she wasn’t working. When she was employed, I didn’t ask her to support me financially, but at least she could take care of herself and her family. That had helped our household, and we were doing okay.
I proposed another idea: “If it’s about the kids, I have some money saved. Tell me what you want to do so I can use that money to set you up.” She replied, “I’ll think about it.”
I kept asking until I got tired and stopped. Every time I asked, she said she was still considering it. One day, she told me I was putting too much pressure on her. She burst out, “Do you think it’s easy to take care of two children? When they cry, who do they go to? Do you think it’s easy?”
I do my best with the kids. Despite the fact that she doesn’t work, I come home and help with household chores. When she’s busy, I keep the children occupied, engaging and distracting them. At night, when the little one cries, I’m the one she calls because she wants to rest. I don’t complain. Life is easier when we both help each other, but my wife is giving every excuse not to work.
So, I’ve stopped giving her money for her personal care. I’ve stopped giving her spending money. I do the grocery shopping myself or ask my aunt in the market to do it for me. I’ve told her she won’t receive a single pesewa from me. Whatever the kids need, I buy it myself. I thought that would be drastic enough to push her to start doing something for herself. It’s been over six months now, and this woman is living just fine. I don’t even know how she gets money to buy sanitary pads.
Now, I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve told her parents about it, but they can’t do much because my wife isn’t someone to be pushed around. I’m starting to think there’s a way she’s making money that I don’t know about, or she has some savings she’s using to support herself. For six months without any income, and she’s living just fine?
My next move is divorce.
A man needs a woman, but a woman who’s a burden is worse than any load a man can carry. I want to let her go. I’ve even hinted at it, and it didn’t faze her. What stops me every day is the age of my kids. They are too young to experience the effects of divorce. If I leave, I would take them with me. I don’t mind; I can get someone to stay home and take care of them so my wife can live the kind of life she wants.
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Is this the right thing to do? Don’t tell me divorce is not an option because the Bible detests it. I don’t think God is pleased with the way I’m suffering in this marriage. I see my friends every day and how they are progressing. They talk about the help they receive from their wives and the grace they enjoy from the women they married. If I’m a child of God, He wouldn’t want to see me go through this, so let’s put the Bible aside and be practical.
Is there any other way apart from divorce?
—Nicholas
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The problem is poor communication skills. Violence doesn’t solve anything. Have you ever taken the time to ask her why she has decided to stop working and what she plans to pursue? The answer is no. Please give the woman more time because she is going through a lot of things. Besides many children have gone wayward because of parental neglect. Your wife being at home will help raise responsible children. You might not see the positive outcome . now but you will in the future. Also please cut down on some things you do like sending her parents money they have other children to do that. Focus on your family and find other ways to generate extra income. You not giving her anything and shouldering everything as a form of punishment is not a punishment to her but yourself. Wo na wober3. I would encourage you to still give her money for upkeep. A healthy and elegant wife reflects you. You think not giving her money will make her look basaa not knowing she reflects you and when people see her basaa they will blame and insult you .And they are not wrong. A happy wife a happy life. Don’t forget that. Patience wins a lot of things. I have a question for you did you marry her to maltreatment her or you married her for money? The main purpose of marriage is to raise good children and to be each others confidant and providers not to become enemies . This is the time to become friends, kor)kor) no. A word to the wise is enough.
I feel your pain very much even though I have not gotten to your stage yet. I will say listen the comments that have been made under your post.
Talk to her once more. If she taking care of herself and her parents’ care isn’t your responsibility any longer,then there’s no cause for alarm in terms of the financial to a certain degree,if I understood the reason why she working helps.
So after divorce and the next wife you get decides not to work too will you also divorce her and get another one? And by then probably you’ll be having more kids hence more responsibilities and use for your money.
Take time to understand where she’s coming from. Complicated pregnancies can take a huge toll on women that no man seems to understand. Take time to research about it and you’ll understand why she is like that and isn’t intentionally refusing to work, just that she knows you might not understand when she tells you that.
We can never discuss and put Bible aside. ” The word of the LORD is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are saved”. The Devil is trying to take control of your marriage and you are weak to start firm and fight. Mr. Nicholas dont look at the challenges you are facing and give up. Run to God and lay down your complain with faith, God has never fail and he will never fail. Stop looking and hearing at your neighbours success in their matrimony homes, all fingers are not the same. Please stand and build up your home for the sake of your children.
I don’t think divorce is the solution here. In your own words, you said you’ll divorce her, take the children and get someone to take care of them. Is it not the same thing she’s doing now?
Unless ofcourse, you want to marry another woman. Think of your children’s welfare and let her be.
As earlier suggested, stop sending money to her parents and concentrate on your family.
It’s not easy but wishing you the best.
You’re being very unreasonable and selfish if you’re thinking of leaving the marriage to let another woman take care of the kids because that is exactly what your wife is doing currently. In the first place you ought to provide regardless as a man/father.
Also you must sit her down in all manner of seriousness with humility and communicate the problem between you two effectively.
Above all endeavour to pray about everything wholeheartedly before taking action.
Nicholas please run if you can’t take it anymore. I can get wanting to rest after a stressful pregnancy, but it has been years. Your wife quit her job without discussing it with you and then refuses to either get a job or even start a business, and you still help out with house chores, so what are you gaining? Marriage should benefit both partners, not add to your troubles. If you die from stress, how would she survive? A woman cannot become a housewife by force, anymore than a man can force his wife to quit her job. She started this with her inconsiderate behaviour and now she is continuing it.
You are human too being a man doesn’t make you less of a human. Some of us have more than 3 children but will not allow our husbands shoulder all the responsibilities of our home just because they can. I personally sometimes even feel bad when my husband has to step in to take care of stuff I know I could take care of without him cos maybe at that time I wasn’t having much. Most men don’t complain and suffer silently in marriages just because they’re the main providers. Bro a healthy sound man can always find a way to provide for his home not a depressed dead man. One of my suppliers took his own life just this week Tuesday. When he said he will kill him self because of his wife no one took him seriously he was even mocked cos they all thought as a man why will you allow a woman frustrate you to the point of having suicidal thoughts but guess we all found out too late. Bro leave that marriage if it’s not working for you if it was a woman who posted this, you wouldn’t see most of the hypocritical comments you see here.