I’m 22 years old and I’m a daddy’s girl. No. I was a daddy’s girl until death took him away from me when I was 17 years old. My dad was the only man I had in my life besides my brothers. He showed me the best human love anybody could ever give. I know death leaves loved ones broken and lost but my daddy’s death shattered me.
I went to live with an aunt as a result of my father’s passing. This aunty made life so unbearable for me and I always missed my dad. I missed the care, attention, and affection he always gave me. I craved it so much it hurt. I started looking for someone who would give me just a fraction of that love. I knew he was gone and I could never replace him but there was a gaping wound in my heart and I wanted it fixed.
So when I met a boy who said he liked me, I clung to him. He tried his best to love me but it was obvious that he was with me out of pity. His attempts at love didn’t reflect the ones I was used to when I was growing up. A reasonable person would have rejected that kind of love and walked away but not me. I stayed with him until he left me almost a month before our one-year anniversary. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m trying but I’ve fallen out of love with you. I can’t do this anymore.” To have another man leave me really pushed me further down my depths of grief. I hadn’t dealt with losing my dad so it hit me all over again and the wound in my heart bled.
I craved the feeling of being loved by a man. I needed the care and affection and attention to distract myself from my pain. A few weeks after my first boyfriend dumped me, I met someone else. He wasn’t even minutely loving but I just wanted to be with someone so I settled for him. I told myself “At least he is mine.” Our relationship revolved around sex. I mostly gave him whatever money my aunt gave me for upkeep because he told me, “Sometimes I don’t treat you well because of my financial problems. I can’t be loving and caring towards you when there’s no money in my pocket.” Maybe I was trying to buy his love with money and sex. At 18, I didn’t know any better. I’m not proud of my choices but understand that I was hurting and I just needed a fix.
After a month of dating him, I gained admission to UCC. Things were hard but I entered anyway. My already sinking relationship with him sunk further. I broke up with him because I realized I deserved better.
A few weeks after the breakup, I met another guy. This one was a church boy so I expected him to treat me better than my last love. He really was quite the catch. He was the kind of boy mothers want their sons to be. I was so happy to have made a good choice for once. He loved and respected me but the more I got to know him I realized he was full of lies. So, another bad choice after all.
I caught him cheating on me several times and each time I forgave him. I hoped he would change. He made me believe we were going to get married someday and I wanted that. So when the insurance company paid my dad’s insurance money, I told him about it. He suggested I loan him the money to start a business. He promised to pay it back in two years’ time. I listened to him. I gave him the money. What love can’t do to us does not exist. I really loved him and I honestly believed that we would end up together.
A month after I gave him the money, he changed. We got into arguments so often that at some point he blocked me on all his social media platforms. I heard from our mutual friends that he had a new girlfriend and he was posting her on his socials. A friend who thought we had broken up showed me his posts and I saw the new girl. She wasn’t actually new. She was the same person I caught him cheating on me with all those times. I became so depressed. I lost my confidence. I lost courage. I became a shadow of who I used to be. I started sleeping around for comfort.
I needed someone to talk to so I confided in one of my male friends. He helped me work through my ex’s deception. I felt my old self coming back. My days of self-loathing quietly slipped away. This male friend and I started talking all the time. We texted and video called even when he was at work. He really gave me the kind of love I’d been looking for—the care, attention, and affection my father gave me. I fell in love with him. This guy didn’t have much but he helped me in the little ways he could. We became close friends for a year before we started dating. I was like a teenager in love. He took me to church. He helped me renew my faith in God. I told myself “This is the one for me. He is definitely the one.”
He was perfect until he started changing. One moment we were the dreamy couple, the next moment I couldn’t even get him to talk to me. Nothing about me concerned him anymore. The harder I tried the further he pulled away. It was like watching an accident happen. I felt completely helpless and I just prayed that God would bring him back to me. I followed my mother to church one day and the pastor gave me a prophecy; “Your boyfriend is cheating on you.” I didn’t believe him. When I went home I told myself “This prophecy is fake. Of all the things he could prophesy about, why is he talking about my love life? Is that what matters to God?” You would think that I would take a cue from his changed behavior and listen to the prophecy. I went to a different church with my mother, this time it was a prophetess. She gave me the same prophecy the other pastor did. I told myself “Maybe it shows on my face that I’m having relationship troubles. These pastors are just guessing.”
I discarded that prophecy too. The truth was staring me right in the face but I closed my eyes and shut my ears. I even told him about the prophecies and he said “Those are lies. Blatant lies.” We wouldn’t talk for a week and he’d be okay with it. I started getting bad again. I was slipping back into depression. I needed a getaway so I went to a prayer camp. It was a place I found comfort so I chose to go there to regain the strength to move on from the relationship.
I met this good-looking young guy the first day at the prayer camp but we didn’t talk. We met on several occasions but we only said our hi’s. After a while, he finally took a bold step and said more than hi to me. We spoke briefly and he took my number. We started talking that very day but I left the camp the next day. We had a connection and I was sad to learn that he was a married man. He said his wife wasn’t in the country and they didn’t have any children. We still talked after I found out about his marital status. I really liked him and maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly.
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After a week of intense communication, we started dating. He always gave me assurance of his love. I said to myself, “This is the fatherly love I’ve been yearning for.” We never met after the prayer camp. All our communication was on the phone. I fell so deeply in love with him regardless. At a point, I became so clingy. I wanted him all to myself even though I knew he was someone else’s husband. I didn’t want to hurt his wife but I loved him and I knew he loved me too. With the amount of time we spent talking on the phone, I had a feeling he didn’t talk to his wife very much.
Three weeks later he told me, “I feel guilty about us. My conscience is haunting me. I have never cheated on my wife before and I’m not comfortable doing it. Let’s be friends. It’s like the closer I get to you the more I withdraw from my wife. I can’t leave her for you. My church doesn’t even allow divorce. It’s better we end things.” I responded, “It’s ok. I don’t mind being your side chick.” I realized then how low I had sunk.
I want to move now but this man won’t let me be. He keeps texting me. As I’m writing this, his calls keep coming through and I keep ignoring them. He insists on checking up on me in the name of friendship. I respect that he doesn’t want to disrespect his marriage by being with me but the fact that he’s still loitering around my life makes it hard for me to move on. I love him. I want him. I can only forget about him when he leaves the scene.
I’ve realized that I’m still hurt over the death of my father and I’m just living on the love men have for me. I just want the void in my heart to be filled. I want to heal. I’m ready but how do I do it?
I feel sorry for myself often. My parents trained me well but look at me now. I keep moving from one guy to the other all because I want to feel that fatherly love no one else can give me. I feel sorry for allowing myself to love another woman’s husband. Ultimately, I feel sorry for my poor self for not loving me properly.
Please I need help.
—Vera
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