I am a psychologist who is too depressed to go to work. I never thought my life would turn out this way but this is where I find myself. I know my own choices led me here but it doesn’t hurt any less. Especially knowing that I had the best of intentions.
The only thing I did wrong was to fall in love. And all I wanted in return was for him to love me right. He seemed to be doing that right from the beginning of the relationship but as time passed, he became something else.
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I was twenty when we started dating. Now, I am twenty-five. I have gone through a lot of personal and professional growth through the years. As for him, I can’t say much for him.
While I am gainfully employed with my own business on the side, he is self-employed. His business is seasonal. So sometimes he gets very busy with work, while other times he has nothing to do at all.
I don’t have a problem with his work or finances. He, on the other hand, has shown me through his words and actions that he resents me for being financially stable. Maybe this should have given me cause to worry but I loved him too much to leave him.
I was determined to stick by his side so we could walk through life together. I believed he was the man I would marry. I was even more convinced of this when he introduced me to his family. I also introduced him to mine. It made the relationship very solid. I want to believe this is the reason I kept fighting so hard to hold on to him.
While I did everything to make it work, he acted as if he didn’t care if it all burned to the ground. He went about flirting with any woman who caught his eye. Every time I read his messages, I saw something that broke my heart. We fought about it several times but nothing changed. Meanwhile, I was faithful to him to a fault. I didn’t even want to entertain male friends.
Flirting with other women is not the only way he disrespects me. He started insulting me last year. He used information I shared with him about my family in confidence as a weapon against me. Sometimes he extends the insults to my parents too.
On his good days, he apologizes after he comes to his senses. Even with that, he blames it on alcohol. “You know I only act like this when I am drunk,” he’d say. As if that is supposed to make it alright.
This brings me to another thing we fought about consistently, his obsession with alcohol. He was like that when we started dating. I told him point blank, “I don’t want to be with a man who drinks alcohol.” He assured me he would stop. But he never made any attempt to stop.
Sometimes he would do it and try to hide it. While it was deeply upsetting for me, I also found it laughable. Tell me, in what world can you hide drunkenness?
I should have walked away when I saw that he wasn’t changing but I kept seeing the best in him. Besides, I didn’t want to move from one man to another. He was my first and I wanted him to be the only man in my life. As I said in the beginning, the goal was marriage but now I am pregnant out of wedlock.
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I am not happy to say this but I wish I wasn’t in this position. I contemplated getting rid of it when I first found out. But I had a change of heart and decided to keep it. Now I am not so sure that was the right choice for me.
I feel exhausted and broken. The thought of being a single mother is killing my sanity. This is not the life I planned for myself. I wanted a traditional family; husband and kids. Now what I have is a baby on the way with an inconsistent man.
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I feel like I wasted my chance to get what I truly want by staying too long in a relationship that didn’t serve my interest. Why did I do this to myself? I hate that I am struggling to feel love for this baby.
I keep asking God why I got myself here. I am everything a man wants in a woman yet I chose the one man who doesn’t appreciate my value. This situation has crushed my self-esteem. I have lost interest in work. Can you imagine a psychologist who is too depressed to function? I am supposed to heal people but now I’m the one who needs healing.
—Joy
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You have to make peace with the decision you made. All in all you have learnt a lesson. Like a wiseman once said we should do our best to rise above the circumstances we find ourselves in. It’s normal to feel this way. Not all our expectations are met because of the decision we made. When it becomes to overwhelming pray . Go seek therapy too.Avoid your ex. Never settle for less ,don’t ignore the signs . The fact that a man introduces you to his family means nothing. How he treats you means everything because he will treat your family the same way he treats you.
My dear,it’s painful but seek help for the sake of your sanity and that of the unborn child. You can single handedly raise that child, just keep trusting God and believe in yourself. The harm has already been done, don’t fall for it when he returns saying he’s a changed person now.
You’re right about fighting too long for the wrong man, but what’s done is done. If you are not feeling ready to be a mother, then consider adoption. There are many infertile couples out there looking for a baby to love. Your misfortune could lead to someone else’s joy.