I knew right from the start that I was going to face a lot of challenges with a lot of people concerning the woman I’d chosen to marry. I knew what my father would say right from the start. I could imagine him calling me to the side and telling me, “My son, I’ve been in this life long before you came and I know what would work and what would not work. A clear example of things that don’t work is the kind of marriage you are going into.” He’ll try to persuade me with words but finally, he would let me do what I desire. My mom? I didn’t think a lot about what she would say. I only told myself, “She’s a woman. She would understand.

So that day when I went home with Linda, I prepared her mind. I told her, “Don’t worry too much about what will happen when I introduce you. They are my parents. I know how to handle them. She said, “Don’t worry. I understand.” At the hall, seated face to face with my mom and dad, he asked me, “You said you had something to tell us.” I said, “Yeah, I came here today to introduce the woman I’ve chosen to marry to you. The woman next to me here is that one. Her name is Linda.” He looked at her pleasingly. He said, “Welcome to my humble home, my daughter. We are pleased to meet you.”

My mother got up from her seat to shake her hands. She said, “We are glad to welcome you to the family.” After the pleasantries, my dad looked at my face and looked at the girl sitting next to us. He asked, “Is that your junior sister? Linda answered, “No, she’s my daughter. She’s my first daughter. The second one is in the house.” My mother’s face changed. My father’s disposition changed totally. I could see he was trying to maintain posture. He asked, “Oh, you have daughters already.” Linda answered, “Yeah.” My dad asked again, “That means you’ve been married before?” She answered, “It wasn’t a marriage per se. We were getting there but things turned out differently.”

When we left the house, I knew my parents were full of questions but they couldn’t ask all because Linda was there. Linda asked me, “Do you think they like me that much?” I answered, “Time would tell. These are early days yet.”

That same evening my father called me. He said, “She has two kids from a previous relationship and you don’t mind?” I said, “Dad, she’s a good woman. She only made bad choices from the beginning.” He retorted, “If she was a good woman, why didn’t the previous man marry her?” I said, “It’s a long story but I’ve dated her long enough to know her heart. I’m convinced she would be a good wife regardless of her kids.” He asked, “So you don’t have problems with taking care of another man’s children?” I answered, “Their father takes care of them. He sends money each month for their upkeep.”

He was quiet for a while on the phone. He said, “It looks like you have answers to every question but let me tell you this. I’m your father. I’ve lived long enough to know what would work and what would not work and this that you’re going into looks like something that would have problems. Think about the whole thing again before deciding. She’s a good woman, yeah, but that alone can’t sustain a marriage.” I said, “Thank you, dad. I will think about it again and tell you what I think.” He said, “I hope this time around, you’ll make a better decision.”

From there, my dad called me each morning asking me to change my mind. Sometimes he would scream at me, “She has two daughters for another man. All your life, you’re going to compete with the history of another man who was once in her life. That doesn’t look good. Look at your education. Look at the places I’ve taken you to. Is that what you deserve?” People have a way of dealing with bad news. At first, they deny it. Then they come to accept the bad news as part of life. I knew my dad was going through those changes and soon he’ll grow to accept us.

One day he said, “I’m not trying to push you to accept what I’m saying. I was only asking you to think about it again but hey, it’s your life.” That was his way of accepting us into his heart.

We got married not long afterward. We were all living in one house as a big family. Most marriages start from just the husband and wife before they grow to become a big family. Ours started as a big family and that too was fine.

Two, three, five years later, I and Linda still don’t have a child of our own. It’s not that we haven’t tried. We started trying from day one of our marriage. We’ve been to many clinics. The doctor would call us into his consulting room after running series of tests and charging us huge sums of money. He would tell us, “There’s nothing wrong with both of you. You’re compatible and fertile enough to be able to give birth. You’re going to be fine.”

We’ve tried the local herbs and have visited a lot of local herbal doctors but things are the same. I’m not a happy man. I want a child I can name after me. He/she will bear my surname to prove that I once existed. Currently, that is not the case. The sad thing is, my wife is always happy. What we are going through doesn’t bother her. Sometimes I have to literally drag her along to see the doctor. She would say, “I am fine. I have two kids already and that should tell you that I am capable of giving birth.”

She chose a nice way to tell me that the fault was from me and not from her. We’ve had a fight about that a lot of times. I screamed at her, “Didn’t the doctor say I was alright?” Then she’ll also scream back, “Yes he said you were alright. Prove it. Prove to me that you’re alright.” Such fights mostly end on a bitter note. We won’t talk for days but she’ll be fine. She has her daughters to talk to, play with, and enjoy little moments with them. I live in the house like a total stranger. I’m like that homeless man who’s perching with a woman who has kids.

And the kids. They don’t give me any chance to be their father. They know who their father is. They talk to him on the phone. He comes around sometimes bearing gifts for them. He would take them out on some weekends and they’ll never return until Sunday night. My wife doesn’t tell me anything about such arrangements. One day I would wake up and the kids are not around. I will sleep and wake the next day to hear them screaming and running around the house. When they do something silly, I’m not able to punish them or even shout at them. They are not my kids. Who am I to spank them for not doing their homework or for not cleaning their room.

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I once screamed at the eldest girl. She burst out into tears. She said, “I will tell my father the next time he comes around.” She ran to her mother and told her I’d screamed at her. Her mother came out. She looked at me in some way to tell me she wasn’t pleased about me shouting at her kids. I’m always a stranger in my house.

These days, her phone would ring at night. She would look at me and say, “It’s Martin calling. Maybe he wants to talk to the kids.” She’ll stay on the phone for several minutes with her ex, smiling and making happy gestures. It’s killing me softly. I’ve talked to her to create barriers; “Let martin know that he can’t just call in at any time of the day and ask to talk to his kids. It doesn’t show respect to me and my marriage.” She’ll smile mischievously and ask, “Are you jealous?”

I hate to say this but I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody was right when they told me not to marry her. Sometimes, I want to call my father and apologize to him. I want to tell him, “You told me but I didn’t listen. Forgive me.” Whenever I speak to him, he senses my worries. He will tell me, “Be a man for a day and everything would be alright.” I understand what he’s telling me. I get it but I always feel things would be right if only I can have my own child with her. I’ve given myself a year to see changes. If those changes don’t happen, I will listen to my father and be a man. For just a day.

–Ambrose

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