Pregnancy changed me. I turned into a whole new human being. It started slowly until I looked into the mirror one day and wondered who I’d become. My nose was twice larger, my colour went three shades darker. My feet got swollen and my eyes puffy, as if I hadn’t slept all my life. There was always saliva in my mouth I needed to spit out. I couldn’t wait to give birth so I could have my life back.

My husband found me despicable. When we were talking, he didn’t look at my face. Because of the ceaseless spitting, he didn’t want me around when he was eating. Later, he stopped eating my food entirely, telling me he felt I’d spat into the food. He stopped having sex with me even when I wanted it. When I tried persuading him, he picked a pillow and went to sleep in the hall. He never came back to the bedroom again.

Anytime I went to pee in the night, I saw his phone’s light in the dark. He wasn’t sleeping. Some nights I heard him talking to someone on the phone, as late as midnight. I didn’t question him until one late night, I saw him having a video call. I stayed put, trying to hear what he was saying. His voice was too low I couldn’t hear a thing. I took one step forward and he shut down the call. I asked who she was. When he didn’t respond, I demanded an answer. “Who is she? I’m struggling through the night while you sleep away from me but you can have a video call with another woman?”

He pulled the cloth over his head trying to avoid confrontation. I stayed and questioned him until he said, “I have no explanation to give you. Think about it in whatever way you deem fit, I don’t care.”

I went back to the bedroom crying. I was seven months pregnant. I took my phone and went on WhatsApp. I saw him online. Meaning he had resumed talking to whoever he was talking to. The next morning, he avoided me. He rushed out of the house as if he was being pursued by a plague. He came back from work and continued avoiding me. He was the sinner but he treated me as if I sinned against him.

One day while in the bathroom, I rushed to the hall and picked up his phone. His WhatsApp was locked so I checked his call log and saw a lady’s name plastered all over his call log. I picked the number. I wasn’t sure what I was going to use the number for but I picked it anyway and saved the number on my phone. Days later, I told him I wanted my junior sister to come and live with us so she could help around and also keep me company.

When my sister came, I stopped throwing myself at him. When I needed someone to talk to, my sister was there for me. A week before delivery, I searched for a name on my WhatsApp and the name of the lady whose number I picked on his phone appeared. I saw her profile photo and my interest was piqued. I checked the photo and guess what, she was wearing my husband’s blue t-shirt in the photo.

My heart started beating faster, I had to literally hold my chest to calm my heart down. When he came back late in the evening, I showed him the photo and asked him, “Who’s this lady and why is she wearing your T-shirt?” He looked at the photo, changed his face and asked how I got the photo. He told me he wasn’t going to answer any questions from me until I told him where and how I got that photo. I told him how I got it. He said, “I didn’t send you. You went looking for it so look for the answer you seek yourself.”

We had a verbal fight deep in the night. It was my junior sister who came in to calm me down. He picked some clothes into a small bag and stepped into the darkness. Two days later I gave birth. My junior sister called his line but he didn’t pick up the phone. I called but he didn’t pick up so I sent him a message; “We just had a beautiful baby girl. Come and see how she resembles you.”

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My message was blue-ticked but I didn’t receive a reply. I called my in-laws and told them I’d delivered but I didn’t tell them our struggles. I was hoping we could address the situation without bringing them in. My husband didn’t come to the hospital until I was discharged. I saw him a week later because his parents were coming to visit.

When his parents left, we talked. In tears, I asked him what was going on. He told me, “I’d wanted to leave long ago but just when I was about to go, you told me you were pregnant. I stayed because of the pregnancy but I can’t continue to lie to myself.”

It was like I was listening to a radio program where someone else’s marriage was being discussed. He said he had been unhappy for too long. I asked, “So our new baby doesn’t bring any happiness back into your life? What did I do to make you unhappy, Just say it, I’ll change. I promise you.”

He left the house again. He came back two weeks later to check on the baby. He went back that same day. I didn’t see him again until a week later. I didn’t know where he went whenever he disappeared but I suspected he was living with that lady though he denied it whenever I brought it up.

I called his parents and told them what was happening. They were shocked I didn’t talk to them about it earlier. They promised to talk sense into his head but weeks later when he came back home, he took a lot of his things and promised not to come back again. “The next time you see me will be in court, finalizing our divorce,” he told me.

I didn’t eat for days. My mom came to live with me to encourage me but nothing worked. At some point, I stopped breastfeeding the baby. I blamed her for causing a huge crack in my marriage. Maybe my husband wasn’t ready to be a dad and I pushed him into it, that was why he was acting that way.

What he was doing didn’t make sense so I had to find reasons to make it make sense. One afternoon a cousin called. She asked what was happening in my marriage. She said, “I’m asking because of the photos and videos your husband has been posting on his status. Are you two still together?”

I didn’t see all of that because he had blocked me from viewing his status. If he was showing the new woman to the world then there was nothing I could do about it. I pulled myself together and decided to move on from the hurt and pain. I told myself I would learn to let him go.

I pulled down our photos on the wall and hid his things in a closet where I would not see them. Anything that made me think of him, I tried my best to keep them off my view. It was hard but I was doing very well. There were patches of happiness and a few spots of sorrow every now and then but I swear I was healing. One evening, he came home holding everything he had carried away. He entered the house, greeted my mom, walked past me into the bedroom and lay on the bed.

It was still his home. I didn’t ask questions. The following day, he started putting his things back where they belonged. He asked about the photo frames. I showed him where I placed them. He went for them and put them back where they belonged. I asked him, “What’s happening? You’ve been here for three days but have said nothing. What brought you here?”

He came back because he had had an awakening from the crazy spin his life went through. “Something was happening to me but I don’t know what. Please forgive me. I don’t know what would drive me away from my own family, especially when we have a new baby. Please, don’t make this harder than it already is. My parents will be here tomorrow. We’ll talk extensively about everything and I’ll do whatever it takes to pacify you.”

He looks happy. He’s back to being a husband again, even better than he was when things were good. He helps with the baby and carries her at night when I’m sleeping so my night won’t be disturbed. Now, I don’t know how to tell him that I want a divorce.

When I started the healing process, when I made up my mind to move on I didn’t stop moving on. I guess I might have tightened the nuts too hard now it’s hard to loosen them up.

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I don’t love him anymore. I don’t want this marriage and I don’t want him hanging around my life. He looks desecrated and nothing can make me overlook the fact that he left us to be with another woman. I look at him being sweet to us and all I can think of is, “Should I tell him now? He’s too happy it annoys me.”

I will give him time to enjoy his baby. I will give him enough time to invest in his child, I won’t take that away from him. I’m not that wicked but when the time is right, I’ll just break the news to him and leave the next day. For now, I’ll stay. I’ll do this for our child.

— May

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