When he expressed interest in being in a relationship with me, I was lost. I was at a place where I needed someone to establish me in my life. For the most part of my life, I didn’t have anybody. My parents had me when they were quite old. So by the time I turned eleven, my father passed away and my mother was too old to work. I have been on my own since then.

Life was not easy for me. I fought to take care of myself from that tender age until I completed senior high school. I wanted to pursue higher education but who would help me? I decided to look for a job so I could save some money for school. With my qualifications, I couldn’t find any. My next thought was to start a business. But once again, I was confronted with the issue of money. Where to get the capital to start the business was a problem.

It was at this point in my life that I met Mark. He said he loved me. I told him, “Right now, my mind is not on love. I am looking for someone to help me either to further my education or help me get a job.” He told me he would help me get a job if I agreed to date him.

We started dating but he never delivered on his promise. We’ve been together for twelve years now. We dated for seven years before he paid my bride price. We have four children now.

When we were dating, I constantly asked him to help me go back to school. Each time he would tell me, “What do you need to go back to school for? What will you go and study? After spending so much money to get a degree, you will end up unemployed and frustrated. Forget about it.” Every time the topic of my education came up, he dismissed it and found ways to discourage me.

When I realized he wasn’t interested in my education, I suggested he set up a business for me so I could make money for myself. He gave me a lot of excuses at first. Today he would say, “There’s no money for that. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.” Tomorrow would come and he would say, “Let’s hope things turn around.” I was not ready to give up so I kept pushing.

When he eventually opened the shop, it was for him and not me. I was working while he was managing everything. He would close from work, come to the shop, and collect all the sales I made. He decided what we restocked and what we wouldn’t sell. No decision about the business was made by me. I was an employee who never got paid.

At one point, there was a problem at our place so we had to relocate. The shop had to close too. So when we got to our new place, I asked him to help me establish a small business so that I could manage it myself. This man said he didn’t have money to help me.

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I asked a friend to help me enroll myself in fashion school and she gave me some money to start. I still wanted to have something to do while I went to school. So again I spoke to my husband. “Please, if you give me something small I will be able to do petty trading. I just need to have some money for myself. It will help me buy things I need for school and also take care of my transportation.” He insisted he didn’t have money.

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I know his financial strength. I know it is not beyond him to set me up. It’s something he can easily do without breaking his account. He just doesn’t want to do it. He believes I should be a housewife so he would be in charge of all my financial needs. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have to depend on my man for everything I need.

There is a guy in my life who is willing to give me what I want. He will establish a business for me if only I agree to be his girlfriend. He knows I am married with kids but he doesn’t mind. He is not asking me to leave my husband for him. He wants to be together secretly. It is very unlike me to even give such a proposal a thought. But today I am here looking for advice. Should turn him down and remain a housewife? Or I should accept the offer to get the help I need?

—Mina

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