I met Danielle through a girl I was dating. They were working together in a restaurant somewhere in Tema, and they were very close friends. So when my girlfriend and I started having problems, I reached out to Danielle to seek counsel. Through that, we started talking frequently. She would call to advise me to be patient with her friend, and we would end up talking about our personal lives. By then I was helping someone run a business, and she told me; “Do you know that you can start your own business? You don’t have to keep building someone’s dream when you can live yours.” I saw sense in what she said. Honestly, a lot of the things she said to me made sense.

The more we spoke, the more I was determined to end things with the girl I was dating so that I would date her instead. I didn’t tell her my intentions then. I just broke up with my girlfriend and built my friendship with Danielle. She visited me one evening when I was a little tipsy. I had the courage then to tell her, “These past few weeks have made me grow fond of you. And I want us to start a relationship. What do you say?” She smiled a smile that lit up my heart like the way the full moon lights up all the dark corners of the earth. “Rock, you know that what you are proposing is not right. You dated my friend. That aside, I am not ready for a relationship now. Because I plan that my next relationship will be my last.”

I was on a mission, so I took whatever she said with a grain of salt. I told her it didn’t matter that I dated her friend. I asked her to give me a chance so that I can prove to her that I am a serious person. She didn’t agree that day but I kept pushing her until she eventually accepted my proposal. When she accepted it she said, “I want you to promise me that if I agree to do this, you will marry me.” I smiled at her innocently and said, “Yes, I will marry you, trust me.” The truth is, I had no intention of marrying her. I didn’t even envision our relationship going long-term. I was only nineteen then. But she was twenty-two.

Of course, she didn’t know I was nineteen. She and most people around me assumed I was in my mid-twenties, and I never bothered to correct them. I graduated high school when I was sixteen and started working immediately after that so I had to act like an adult to be taken seriously by my boss and my colleagues. I suppose along the line, acting became my reality. And I started to feel older than my age. That’s why I never bothered to tell anyone my actual age. So, Danielle said yes to me because she thought I was a man who was ready for marriage.

After our first shuperu, she became clingy. She believed I would leave her or cheat on her so she spent the night with me every day. I enjoyed the company she provided so I never complained. A month into our relationship her rent expired, and she didn’t have enough money to cover the full cost of the rent, and her landlord was threatening to throw her out. So I suggested, “Why don’t you move in with me? You spend almost all your nights here anyway.” And she agreed.

Things were good between us until we had a disagreement one day and she left home for several days without telling me where she went. I was so worried about her because her phone was off the entire time. When she returned, I felt a cocktail of relief and anger. I asked her, “I am glad you are okay but where did you go?” “I went to visit my mother,” she said. “And you didn’t think to inform me? Do you know how worried I was? And your phone was off too. If this is how you will behave every time we have issues then leave. I don’t want you living here anymore.”

She went to talk to some of my friends to plead her case but I wouldn’t listen to any of them. The truth of the matter is, I was so heartbroken when she left, and it terrified me that she had that much power over me. So I wanted her gone so that I wouldn’t feel that kind of vulnerability again. However, she didn’t want to go anywhere. When all her attempts to get me to change my mind failed, she said; “I didn’t want to break the news to you like this but since you are being stubborn, I will just say it. I am pregnant.” “You are pregnant?” I asked her. She nodded, with a smile. That signature full-moon smile of hers.

Me? I was terrified. I had just turned twenty, fatherhood was supposed to be years away from me. I wanted to confirm what she said so I asked her to stay so we get tested. I bought the test kit for her but she told me, “We will get good results when we test early in the morning, so let me stay the night and do the test first thing in the morning.” I said okay, and the night didn’t pass ordinarily. We had shuperu, and by morning I didn’t want her to leave anymore. While we were having breakfast, I reminded her about taking the test. She said, “For it to be effective, I have to take it before eating. so now that I have eaten, we will have to take it tomorrow.”

Her excuses about taking the test stretched across weeks and months even. I didn’t also question her because she was spitting and throwing up every morning. So I started saving money and making preparations to go see her family. The only thing that bothered me was her behaviour whenever I mentioned antenatal care. She was either too tired to go, or the sun was too hot. I kept pushing her until about six months into her supposed pregnancy when she confessed.

She said, “The truth is I am not pregnant. I only said it so that you wouldn’t get rid of me.” At that point, I told her, “If you weren’t pregnant then, you are definitely pregnant now. Because we’ve been doing it without protection.” This time, I dragged her to the hospital and we got a scan. It said we were three months pregnant. I spoke to my dad and he went with me to see Danielle’s family and we performed the knocking rites. There, we were given the marriage list, and we promised to return shortly.

However, things were difficult for me financially. I could only save money in preparation for the baby. Danielle too had stopped working so all the financial burden was mine to shoulder. My mother helped us with foodstuff whenever she could, and that helped us a lot. Occasionally, my sister also sent us money. But nobody in Danielle’s family lifted a finger to help.

We managed until she delivered a beautiful baby girl. I named her Halo because the first time I saw her I felt like I was staring into the face of an angel. She made all the struggles we went through worth it. While my family engulfed us in their love and support, no one from Danielle’s family showed up. Not even for Halo’s naming ceremony. My people kept asking questions, but we didn’t have any answers for them.

As our daughter grew, she got more expensive. My business too wasn’t doing so well, and Danielle was constantly nagging me. Because of this, we were constantly fighting. Once in a while, it got physical. Sometimes she would hit me in a fit of anger. Other times, I would lose control and hit her. It was so bad that my mum and my sister threatened to take Halo from us. They said we were traumatizing her. And they often advised us to separate, because our relationship had become a battlefield. There were good times, but the bad times outnumbered them.

One day we argued and I left the house to cool off. When I returned, Danielle was gone with our daughter. I called her and she told me was going to stay with her family for a while. I asked her, “Have you forgotten that Halo has to go to school tomorrow? And we have our marriage counselling session this Sunday. So when are you coming back?” she told me we would talk later. The next time she called me was a day after she arrived. She said, “I spoke to my family about everything you put me through. And they don’t want me to come back.” “What about my daughter? Bring her back to me even if won’t come back.” She said, “My family said you should come for her yourself.”

So I went with a friend to get my daughter back, only to be ambushed by her people. She told them about our unhealthy relationship but left out the part she played in it. She didn’t tell them about the time she hit my back so hard that I coughed and tasted blood in my mouth for weeks. She told them I starved her, but left out the part where she prefers to buy food instead of cooking. Sometimes I had to close from work and come home to cook, while she was home all day watching TV. I didn’t want to be the one to tell them about her flaws, so I kept quiet and received their anger. When they finished, I took my daughter and left.

Later, I tried to work things out with Danielle, because I still love her and I don’t want to have kids with different women. I told her I would work on my anger if she is willing to work on hers. We both agreed to give our relationship another try. The plan is to get to know ourselves outside of each other, and then we would have a small traditional marriage ceremony in December.

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The problem now is her family. They are insisting that they don’t want us to get married. So every time we plan that I will come with my people to see them, they tell me not to come. I have spoken to her uncle, brother, and her mother – she is the one set against us the most. And Danielle has become indecisive because of this. One moment she tells me she will convince her family to accept the idea of us. And the next moment she will tell me she doesn’t love me anymore so we shouldn’t get married. I told her; “You loved me once, so I am sure you can love me again. Let’s do this for our daughter’s sake please.” And she would say yes today, and say no, tomorrow.

My sister says her behaviour shows that she doesn’t love me, and even if she did, it’s not right to marry into a family that doesn’t want me. My mother has also told me to let her go and focus on building myself up. I have currently enrolled in a private university to upgrade myself. But everything I do doesn’t feel complete. I love Danielle, and I want to marry her for the sake of our child. But everyone thinks I should just forget about her and move on. As if it is that easy to do. I am currently twenty-three. What do you guys think? Should I keep fighting to get her back? Or should I count my losses and move on?

—Rockson

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