I married when I was quite young, seventeen. I was barely an adult then but in my culture, early marriage for young girls is not a thing that is frowned upon. Last December was twenty years in our marriage. And I don’t remember a time when my husband was ever faithful to me.

Right from the beginning of the marriage, he has entertained multiple women. I was young then so I couldn’t do much but cry and beg him to stop. He never listened. Sometimes I would sit him down and tell him how his actions made me feel. I thought if I could appeal to his emotions, he would have some empathy for me and stop wandering around. That didn’t help either.

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One time I asked him, “What wrong did I do to you? Every time you come to me, I give myself to you. So why are you behaving as if I have been starving you?” He couldn’t talk. He just feigned anger and stormed out.

By the time we had our first child, he had gotten worse. I had cried rivers of tears but he was who he was. So I decided I would leave the marriage. However, something stopped me in my tracks.

My people are patrilineal. There was no way his family would let me walk away from him with my child in hand. Even my family would insist I leave the child for the father.

I knew there was no way I could leave my baby for him so I stayed. I told myself, “When the child gets a little older, I will leave.” I was so sure of it. Little did I know that life happens when you are busy making plans.

By the time our firstborn was getting a little older, the secondborn had arrived. By the time the second was beginning to get independent, I was having the third child. Now, we have four children.

Actually, we had five children but we lost one. Could you believe that on the day of our child’s burial, my husband didn’t stay at home? I was at home weeping while he went to be with one of his girlfriends. He came home after midnight.

This is not even one of those cases where wives just accuse their husbands wrongly of cheating. I have seen it with my eyes. He travels a lot for work, and everywhere he goes he has a woman there.

Now we live in Accra because of his work. However, he goes to work events in Kumasi, Techiman, Tema, Nkawkaw, Obuasi, and other places. He has women in all those places.

I am not an idle wife. I work and provide for the home just as he does. When the kids get sick, we split the hospital bills. Sometimes I even pay the majority of the school fees. Shoes, clothes, and other necessities for the kids, I provide them. I do all this using proceeds from my work as a seamstress.

If I could move out with my kids and take care of them single-handedly, I would. But I don’t have the financial capacity to even rent a place, considering all my money is always going into childcare. So I have found a way to live with him and not be affected by his actions.

My problem now is that I want to stop getting intimate with him. I fear that he would bring me diseases from his exploits. Basically, I just want to be in the marriage and do everything else but fulfil my conjugal duties, since he is already getting that from his girlfriends.

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When I explained this to some of our folks they advised me against it. “If you do that, you will only push him to go out more.” I honestly don’t think allowing him to have me makes any difference in the grand scheme of things. He still goes out whenever he pleases.

I don’t know why he feels the need to cheat after everything I do for him. It’s as if having multiple women is how he gets validation as a man. The last time I checked, he had more than ten women on the side. So they should be enough to keep him satisfied, right?

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

When I think about the possibility that he could catch something from them and infect me with it, I cringe at the thought of his touch. So I want to ask, would I be a bad wife, if I turn him away when he comes to my bed?

I know that Ideally, I should leave the marriage but my hands are tied right now. So this is the best way I feel I can protect my health. Is it wrong for me to completely push him out as long as he doesn’t touch me anymore?

—Adempua

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