Love didn’t find us. Love happened to us. There’s a difference. Some couples meet each other and fall in love at that moment and decide to explore what they have found. They become a thing because of the love that brought them together.
When it comes to us, it wasn’t about seeing each other and finding love in each other’s eyes. We lived in the same community for years. We Attended the same church and played different roles in the church drama group. We were never in love or thought we would be lovers. For so many years, we walked side by side, talking to each other and playing together without knowing what the future holds for us.
I’m our church’s drama group, when Christmas is coming, we write names on pieces of paper and fold them so whoever picks your name buys something for you. The lady I picked didn’t come to church that very day and the guy who picked my wife’s name also didn’t bring any gifts so we were asked to exchange our gifts. We exchanged our gifts and exchanged our hearts too.
From there, love happened to us slowly until one day I proposed and she said yes.
We didn’t come together because of love. Love came to find us together before it worked its magic on us. We dated for six years before we got married. Six years because when we met, we were both students and were living with our parents. We had to trust the power of time to bring us the fortune we needed to get married and that happened when we both completed school and found jobs.
Our first child came a year later. Three years after marriage the second one followed. The third came when we were five years married. We decided three was enough but just when we were about to lock the door of childbearing, another one sneaked in. It was unexpected but she was our child too so we finally settled on four kids.
Juggling family life and our profession wasn’t easy but we tried. We had troubles. Sometimes we fought and sometimes we went for days without talking to each other. It wasn’t unexpected for us to go through those patches. We are humans and humans go through these troubles especially when they decide to live their lives together.
The most challenging moment in our marriage happened one day when I felt my wife was paying more attention to her extended family than the young family we were raising. She was sending money home all the time but once we needed money to solve issues in the house, she would tell me she didn’t have money. I felt cheated. The burden became so heavy because it tilted in my direction. We talked about it but things never changed so one day I snapped.
It turned into a huge fight where certain unsavoury words were exchanged. To be honest with you, that moment brought our marriage to its knees. I wanted to quit because of that and she was also ready to quit because she felt I was too hard on her.
For the first time in our marriage, we opened the door and allowed a third party into our marriage. Our pastor intervened. It didn’t work that much because my wife felt the pastor was on my side. Our parents came in before finally we could lay the issue to rest. The issue died but its ghost kept haunting us until months later.
If you ask me about marriage and its challenges, I’ll tell you to handle family issues carefully because of what we went through but once that was over, our marriage became stable. It was like that until our tenth anniversary when I overheard my wife telling her friend on the phone that she was in the marriage because of the children; “It has been ten years but look at my life, what better things do you see? I’m still here because of the children. They are four. I can’t begin again with four kids hanging over my head that’s why I’m still in this marriage.”
I thought I was a good husband. Before that day I felt I’d done my best to provide a home where a woman can thrive. I don’t seek to blow my own horns but I’ve been helpful around here. She cooks, and I wash. She cleans, and I scrub. There’s nothing like her job and my job around here. I wake up early and get the kids ready for school while she does their breakfast. I close from work early so I can go for the kids from school. On top of all these, I provide about eighty per cent of the financial resources this marriage needs to survive. If a man does all that, then his wife should be OK, right?
I didn’t keep what I heard in my head and be bitter about it. I asked her one night when we were going to bed. “I heard you telling your friend that you’re here because of the kids. Is that the truth or you were just lying to her?”
She responded, “What’s there to lie about? Kids need stability and I’ll sacrifice my life for them to have that. I’m not here because I’m in an extraordinary marriage. I have extraordinary kids and I want to make them happy.”
“So you mean you would have asked for a divorce if we didn’t have kids?”
“I don’t know. I’m doing this for them. That I know but the rest, I can’t tell.”
I’ve been thinking about this conversation over and over again and each time I replay it in my head, I get hurt all over again. Does it mean everything I’m doing in this marriage is for nothing? She feels I can do enough and not doing it or she regrets marrying me? Or she’s still holding on to that grudge we had long ago?
In fact, I’ve also lost interest in the marriage and don’t feel like doing my best any longer. What’s the point? To impress who?
The good thing to me is that I won’t stay in a marriage I’m not happy about just because of the kids. I understand they need stability and happiness but I’ll choose my happiness over theirs because life is too short. I can only give them happiness when I have happiness. They have a long road ahead of them, I don’t. They’ll grow and find their own happiness so I have to find my own now.
So I’m here thinking of letting the marriage go. Yeah.
He Says He Can’t Date Me Because I’m Too Beautiful
My wife may not have the courage to do it but I can give her what she has always wanted, divorce. That way, she goes out there and find what will make her happy while I go out there and look for who will appreciate my effort and stay married to me because it’s worth it and not because of kids.
Does that make sense?
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—Joejo
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Hmmmm I have said that to myself a lot of times. In the end I ask myself what is the best for the family? My selfish interest or the family’s . Anytime I’ll choose the later. But it hurts.
Bro, You have the Best Thoughts and Mindset. Id Support your decision today, tomorrow and Forever. You are a Man
My dear bro divorce is not an option. Your wife doesn’t really know what she wants . She is confused. I don’t think she is holding onto the past. It’s like she has found no friendship and love in the marriage anymore that’s why she said that. My dear what you have done ,I advice you to keep on doing it to Set an example to your kids. Sometimes what a woman needs in addition to supportive husband is a listening ear, a friend and a confidant. Sit down with her as friend and give her all the attention she needs. It looks like all the attention has been diverted onto the children so if there is something worrying the other she or he can’t say it. It’s looks like the friendship and the love is dead so she can’t make head and tale out of this marriage. Do what I have suggested and you see wonders. You shall seek and find the marriage you are looking for if you seek it with all your heart by doing the things listed above. Don’t forget to go on dates once in while to spice things up. I believe the love and friendship is not dead it has been suppressed. Good 👍
I counsel you to stop cleaning and breaking yourself and focus on her. Show her affection and spend more time with. Please don’t you ever think you understand your wife and her needs, it obvious she has run out of love for you and you have to work on it. Divorce is not necessary
Joejo, your story is a journey through the intricate paths of love, commitment, and self-discovery. It’s clear that your marriage has weathered its fair share of storms and triumphs, and that your feelings are deeply conflicted.
The revelation that your wife’s primary motivation for staying in the marriage is the well-being of your children is indeed a complex one. It’s a testament to her selflessness as a mother, but it’s also understandable that it has left you feeling unappreciated and undervalued.
Before taking any drastic steps like divorce, I’d suggest you both engage in open and honest communication. There may be a lot of pent-up emotions and misunderstandings that need to be addressed. Marriage is a partnership, and it’s essential for both parties to feel valued, loved, and fulfilled. This conversation could be a turning point for your relationship, leading to a better understanding of each other’s needs and desires.
Ultimately, the decision to end a marriage is deeply personal, and it should be made after careful consideration and reflection. It’s vital to prioritize your own happiness, but it’s also worth exploring whether your relationship can be rekindled and reignited. Seeking professional guidance, such as couples therapy, may be an excellent way to navigate these complex emotions and challenges together.
Remember that love, like your relationship, can evolve and grow. It’s worth exploring every avenue to find a resolution that brings fulfillment to both you and your wife, as well as ensuring the best possible outcome for your children.
-Atieno-
You two need a separation. See with clarity the difference between living together and living apart and which one works for you. Divorce is not the end of the world like people here make it out to be. I know African cultures stigmatize divorce but it’s so wrong. You separate/divorce and still co-parent the kids with hormony.,whilst still a partner who loves a cherishes you. Like you said life is too short
Joejo, to understand a woman you need the wisdom. Although you are doing all these it does not make her happy. When last did you pray together, when last did you praise her and her looks. When last did you take her out. Start wooing her again by showering her with gifts and surprises. It will work. Bring the love back. Divorce is not an option.
I counsel you to stop cleaning and breaking yourself and focus on her. Show her affection and spend more time with. Please don’t you ever think you understand your wife and her needs, it obvious she has run out of love for you and you have to work on it. Divorce is not necessary
One thing Ive come to realize is that, women don’t really know what they want
She doent know having four children with the same man in this day and age is even a blessing
let alone the same man sticking by her and taking care of her and the children is even a bigger blessing
She thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. When she should rather be Thanking God for a husband like you, she talking nonsense.
Please seek your happiness.
A man’s main goal in marriage is to PROTECT, PROVIDE, PRECEED (Lead), and PENETRATE (intellectually and s*xually). You have to ask yourself if you have done the above appropriately, especially on Protecting and leading the family. Importantly, in your quest to provide the above, it is essential NOT TO seek approval from your woman. Your approval comes from your achievement of your goals as a man. Focus on your goals and built a tribe of men around you. Women follow a man with a frame and leadership. What your woman is saying is that you have lost your frame and she does not feel effectively led. She no longer trusts you to lead the family and her since you have no vision for the family and neither are you leading well. Please follow @Amerix on twitter and learn from a tribe of men.
Jeojo I support you 💯, your thinking makes a lot of sense. It’s better for the kids to be happy with their parents being divorced than they being unhappy with their parents cohabiting.
Please don’t believe any married woman who says she’s in the marriage because of the children. It’s a lie, she actually is in it because of herself. The reason being that she’s asking herself which man will accommodate her and her four kids. Believe me if she finds a man who’s willing to do that and actually has the means, she will go.
You deserve to be happy, if divorcing her will bring you happiness, please do so. Once an ungrateful woman, always an ungrateful woman.
For the kids they need love from both parents, it can be done in marriage or out of marriage. All depends on you two.
You are so real and I like your sincerity.