I know my husband is a good man. I wouldn’t have married him if I thought otherwise. He takes good care of me in many ways. Anyone who knows me can attest to that. It doesn’t matter that he lives across the ocean, he is ever present in my life. All that talk about how long-distance relationships affect the way couples communicate doesn’t apply to us. We’ve been married for four years but we are always on the phone as though we’re new lovers basking in the honeymoon phase of our relationship.

Despite all this, I am not entirely happy with my husband. This is because of his mother. This man loves his mother so much that sometimes it troubles me.

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Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect him not to love the woman who gave him life and raised him. Lord knows how much I love my own mother. Nonetheless, Zakari’s case is a special one. He puts his mother first above anyone else. No matter who you are to him or what you are going through, his mother’s comfort and convenience must come before your well-being. That’s how deep this runs.

When I think about his behaviour, the only conclusion I come to is that he married me for his parents’ sake. I am saying this because, right from the moment I moved into their family house after our marriage ceremony, he started telling me how to take care of them.

His first request sounded harmless. “I want you to help my mother out with her laundry. You know she is old so she no longer has the strength to perform these tasks effortlessly,” he explained. I agreed without any hesitation. After all, if I was living with my mother I would wash her clothes.

Apart from doing her laundry, I cook for his parents every single day. Again, I do it without complaint because I also eat when I cook. Nonetheless, on days that I am sick and unable to cook, my husband wouldn’t care about my health.

The first thing he would ask is, “Seeing as you didn’t cook, what will my parents eat?” He has done this one too many times so I can’t call it a mistake. It’s a matter of his priorities. This means his parents’ food comes before my well-being.

One day I was eating when he called me. He asked if I had sent food to his mother. I told him, “I was so hungry to the point of shaking so I had to eat first. As soon as I am done I will take her food to her.” His mood shifted from a caring husband to an angry husband. He screamed, “I can’t believe you have the audacity to sit there and eat when you haven’t served my mother yet.” I was so stunned that I lost my appetite immediately.

Another time, I travelled to my hometown for my graduation and spent three days there. It’s quite a distance from where I live with his parents. So when it started getting dark on my way back, I decided to spend the night at my sister’s place and continue my journey the next morning.

Unfortunately, it rained heavily the next day. The thought of travelling in that weather condition didn’t seem safe to me. Left to me alone, I would have waited out the rain and made the trip the next day. But my husband wouldn’t have it. “You cannot spend another night at your sister’s place. You know my mother is old. She cannot cook.”

Once again, I was shocked. I had to bite my tongue from asking him, “What about my well-being?” Knowing him it would have ended in a big fight if I had said something. So for the sake of peace, I passed through the rain and went to his parents’ house.

You should know that Zakari’s mother is not as old and feeble as he portrays her. This woman is a market woman. If she can go to the market to trade, why can’t she cook for herself every once in a while?

Honestly, I don’t have anything against his parents. They’ve shown me nothing but love since I moved in with them. They treat me as they would their daughter, and I return the favour by doing the best I can to take care of them. But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have a life outside them, does it?

Yesterday, for instance, I went to see my parents. I knew there was food in the fridge for his parents to eat so I didn’t plan to cook. By the time I returned home, it was around dinner time.

I was talking to my husband when I said, “I just got home.”

The first question he asked was, “Did you cook today?”

When I said no, he started shouting at me, “So what do you expect my parents to eat?” He went on and on about how I didn’t manage my time properly. “You know you have to come and cook for my parents but you sat in your father’s house chatting idly and wasted time.”

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Then he gave me a strong warning, “Let this be the last time you do something like this, you hear?”
That’s how my husband scolded me like a naughty child for spending time with my own family.

I have put up with his behaviour over the years but last night was the last straw for me. Something has to change for things to be better between us. The question is, how do I address this issue when he takes any discussion involving his mother as a personal attack?

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All the times I tried to tell him to loosen up a little when it came to his mother he accused me of trying to come between them. Once, he even asked; “Why do you see my mother as your competition?” Meanwhile, that’s not the point.

I just want him to show me consideration when his mother is involved. Yes, I will take care of her but must it be at the expense of my own wellbeing? I am looking for a way to have this conversation with him without stepping on toes or ruffling any feathers. The last thing I want to do is cause more problems in my marriage than there already are. How do I go about it?

—Hajia

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