I had a very difficult childhood. I didn’t always have the toys I wanted growing up. Sometimes too, my family didn’t have food to eat. This experience has affected my behaviour to this point. I am not someone who gets enthused about relationships of the opposite sex, nor do I even give much thought to it. I grew up yearning for success and wealth. The kind my parents never got that made my childhood very challenging. Can you blame me for wanting for myself everything I never had as a child? I was so obsessed with my desire to be successful that even in senior high school, I was still disinterested in girls and relationships. This attitude made me the subject of mockery and ridicule among my colleagues.

I was taunted throughout my stay in school but somewhere in my final year, I became friends with a lady. This lady was someone I was helping in school academically and to date, she is the best girl I have ever dated. She was among the most beautiful girls on campus. When she started making advances toward me, I didn’t know what to do. A part of me felt I was dreaming. It was so unlikely that someone as beautiful and rich as her would want to be with me without having any ulterior motives. So I couldn’t understand why she fell in love with me. Out of curiosity, I agreed to be her boyfriend, but my heart was never hers. She gave me her all and I gave her nothing in return. After SHS, we went our separate ways and so did our love. Nothing happened, we just drifted apart. Today, I feel sorry for how horribly I treated her.

After school, I worked for some time until I recently got admission into one of the colleges of education in the volta region. I don’t understand what happened but something changed completely about me when I started college. I went from someone who got mocked in high school to the cool guy everyone wanted to hang out with. This threw me off balance because I have never been someone who has many friends. So I didn’t know how to handle the attention and social life that came with being popular. People were mostly drawn to me because they were impressed by my eloquence and proficiency in the English language. And also, the fact that I was quite brilliant.

Funny enough, all the attention I was given made me feel powerful. So although I promised not to date anyone on campus, I went against my own words. It all happened one Saturday morning when we were having aerobics. I looked up to see something and my eyes locked on a beautiful pair of eyes. I still remember what she wore that day. That memory is forever etched in my brain. She wore a blue cardigan and a blue pair of pants to match. The attire made her complexion stand out so perfectly that after the aerobics, this lady was the only thought on my mind. I kept seeing her face and her beautiful eyes everywhere I went. I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest until I got close to her. So I decided to test my newly acquired influence on her to see how far I could make her go with me. Before then, a handful of ladies had made advances toward me but I rejected all of them. However, this mystery lady in the blue cardigan was someone I was willing to pursue.

What I felt for her should not be confused with love at first sight. It was merely an attraction to her beauty. And I went after her as a game to prove to myself that I am indeed an influential person. I chased her with vigour and passion and within two weeks she was mine. She had a boyfriend then but I didn’t care. I snatched her from him. Our relationship became headline news everywhere in the school. There were people who were genuinely happy for us, and there were those who hated us for how we hurt my girlfriend’s ex. Some told me to face, “You are a girlfriend snatcher. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Their sentiments did not matter to us. We were happy to be with each other, and that was what mattered. Our public display of love earned us the nickname, “Beauty and the Shark.”

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Things were quite okay between us when we started dating. I was keen on winning her heart so I presented the best version of myself. I got to know a lot about her too. She also came from a poor home and had to live with some of her relatives when she turned only three. Because of this, she is mostly quiet and reserved. I used to be like her but I changed. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t change too. And every time she went quiet in the midst of people, I found her to be weird. So I would tell her, “Why are you isolated from everyone? Don’t do that. Go ahead and socialize.” And she would defend herself, “I am an introvert, I can’t help it.” Then we would quarrel until one of us said something they can’t take back.

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I never questioned her love for me. I knew she would go to the ends of the earth if I required her to. So I came to the realization that asking her to change who she is just to fit into social scenes was unfair. I then decided to make a compromise and adjust myself to her personality. I hoped to fall in love with her later in the relationship, but it’s been months now and I still don’t feel anything for her. I have tried my best to love her but it seems too impossible. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I tell her the truth, it would hurt her so much, because I am literally the only friend she has. But I am also not happy being in a loveless relationship. We are just not compatible, and I feel if I don’t tell her now, it will only lead to greater pain in the future.

I am not planning to leave her for someone else, no. I don’t even want to have another relationship at this moment or in the near future. I just don’t think it is wise to marry her when I don’t love her. The thought of it alone feels like a noose around my neck. Please what is the right way to go about this? I want to let her down gently.

–Fosu

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