I was busily walking from another office to the next one when I ran into a wall of muscle. I said sorry at the same time a masculine voice also said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bump into you.” I waved off his apology telling him it was fine. He was looking for someone. He mentioned the name of the person and I pointed him in the direction he should go.

When he finished talking to the person, he came to look for me. “I don’t want to leave here without taking your number,” he declared, “I know we just met but I like you and I want you to be my friend.” I liked his attitude. He had a charming smile too. So I gave him the number. That day birthed a beautiful friendship between us.

We were not too much into each other’s space but he became a constant presence in my life. He would call me and we would have long conversations about work, love, family, and life in general. I knew he cared about me. He had a way of making me feel safe. I liked that quality in him. He did not openly profess his love for me but I felt loved by him.

During our regular conversations, he asked me, “What is a non-physical thing about a person you find attractive?” The answer was easy. Smell. I have a thing for people who smell good. I told him, “If someone smells really nice, I easily find them attractive.” We all laughed about it but I was serious. He later made a joke about wearing a nice perfume the day he would propose to me.

Although we were joking I knew what he was about. That’s why when he eventually asked me to marry him I didn’t stretch him. I said yes almost immediately he popped the question. I knew him enough to know he was a good man. We had an easy friendship that made conversations easy. We both share the same faith. Lest I forget, we were ready for marriage. That’s why I didn’t see any need to drag my answer out.

Within a year of our first encounter, we were married. The time was quite short but again, I knew who I was marrying. I am not saying he was all good. Like everyone else, he had his shortcomings. The one I saw as a red flag, I addressed with him. I sat him down and told him, “David, you are a good man but you need to keep your temper in check before it ruins our relationship. How can we live happily together when you get angry at the slightest thing I do?”

Considering that it was an established fact that this man was quick-tempered, I was even ready for him to get angry at me for addressing it. However, he took it in good faith and started working on it. We’ve been married for some years with three children. I can testify that my husband has worked tremendously well on his temper. The rate at which he used to get angry decreases with each passing year. I am proud of him for that progress.

It is just unfortunate that other aspects of our marriage beg to be different. Remember that conversation we had about perfumes and good smell? David does not take me seriously when it comes to that. He doesn’t smell bad. But there’s nothing desirable about the way he smells either. This bothers me to the point where I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore. Our sex life is bad because of this.

Aside from that, I see this marriage to be too boring. Our children are my only joy around here. There is absolutely nothing fun to spice our marriage. The friendship we had at the beginning of the relationship is no longer there. I always ask myself if I have to cope with this all my life. We are a young couple so we still have a long way to go. However, we behave as if we have reached the end of the road.

When my husband is at home, he is either on his laptop or watching his phone. I think his only joy is our children too. This marriage is as raw as eating fufu without soup not to talk of meat.

I have heard people say that long-distance marriages are hard because the couples miss each other. Others too say it’s fun because every time they get together, it feels like a honeymoon. Well, none of these experiences apply to me. Although my husband works out of town, nothing changes when he is away or at home. His presence is hardly felt when he is around so there’s not much to miss when he is not.

I take my Christian values seriously. This means that divorce or cheating is out of the question. So I keep asking myself, is this all that this marriage thing has to offer me? Am I going to spend the rest of my life living in a boring marriage, taking care of kids who will one day grow up and live their own lives?

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I wish he would pay a little attention to me. We got married on my birthday. I thought this was a good thing but unfortunately, it’s been a terrible mistake. When our wedding anniversary goes bad, my birthday gets ruined too. Now, we are in a place where the day passes as an ordinary day. David would forget that it is a special day for us until I remind him. I don’t remind him anymore so we don’t acknowledge it.

Sometimes it feels like I married the wrong person because this doesn’t feel right. Because of that, whenever I pray for my kids, I tell God to land their feet in good marriages that will bring them good memories because the journey is too far to feel lonely even when you are with someone.

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If I had the chance, I would leave and land my feet somewhere else so I test the waters there too. Maybe, a second try would be better than what I have here. It is no surprise we have this adage in our local dialect that translates, “If you are afraid of divorce, you won’t get a good marriage.” I know I won’t leave him so I have decided to sacrifice my happiness and endure it all because of my kids.

Oh, how I wish the Bible said it differently. I wouldn’t have been here typing this. I would have actually done something about the situation. But I can’t do much. I don’t also have anyone to talk to so I’m here venting. All I can say is, it is well.

—Dorothy

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