My husband and I courted for one and a half years before we got married. I was three months pregnant when we got married. . To be honest, I didn’t enjoy any part of the act. It didn’t look like he understood my need. He hit the wrong spot all the time and did nothing to make me satisfied. He only looked out to himself and once he was ok, game over. I tried to talk to him about it. To make him see the bigger picture. To make him aware that I also had needs that ought to be satisfied. He said, “Relationships are not all about shuperu. Other things come into play to make it a solid one. Let’s look at the important stuff. This one will take care of itself.”

I knew he was right. The important things first before anything else. I dropped the topic with the hopes that things would get better as we move along—as we learn from each other. As we understand the needs of each other. “Maybe, in time, he would learn to understand my needs and meet them.” I consoled myself. Times changed but nothing changed. We took care of what ought to be taken care of but still, nothing changed. I complained many times but things never changed. It was all about his needs and his satisfaction. Every encounter left me hanging in there. Sometimes I would get close to the promised land but that’s exactly the point he would give up because he had had what he worked for. If you’re a woman, you’ll understand how frustrating that is.

However, I never thought of leaving him or cheating on him. He was a very caring man and that almost made up for his lack of action in the bedroom. It is true that relationships are not all about shuperu but when your partner doesn’t care enough to put in an effort to satisfy you then it becomes a problem. So, in my opinion, it was a red flag. A red flag that I chose to ignore.

And then we got married. I was hoping for a change because our status had changed. We had moved from being in a boy-girlfriend relationship into being a married couple. The most important thing had been taken care of. What next apart from fixing what had been broken from day one? Sadly, it got worse. He stopped touching me when I was barely five months pregnant.

In my ninth month, the doctor advised that we do it often to induce labor. He didn’t go with me to the hospital so I had to communicate the doctor’s recommendation to him. His attitude toward the subject made it so hard that I couldn’t approach him. I had to send my husband a text message begging him to do what the doctor asked us to do. When he returned from work that day, we did it. And the day after too. I had the baby two weeks after that.

The first few months after the baby, I lived with my parents so the baby and I visited him on weekends. On our visits, he insists the baby sleeps between us. From all indications, it seemed he wasn’t attracted to me. What I don’t understand is why he married me if he didn’t find me attractive. The few times we do it is for his pleasure and not mine. I have tried to teach him what I want. Sometimes I even move his hands to the places he should touch; “Here. This is the spot you’ve been missing. It’s a good place to start from.” He will withdraw his hands as if I had moved his hands to a grenade.

Because of his behavior, I’ve resolved to lie down like a log whenever he comes knocking—knocking for what he only will enjoy. I’ve been very unhappy in the marriage, and more so unhappy with our intimacy. Situations like this will make you go angry about little things. You can frown all day without knowing that you’ve been wearing a frown. The most annoying part of it all is how he refuses to accept anything I say or do. He knows what he wants and he goes straight for it.

Last week my instincts led me to his phone. I did something out of character and looked through it. I found pictures and text messages that suggested he was cheating on me. Some of the texts suggested that the has been going on trips with the lady. He referred to those trips as “small tours”.  Their most recent texts showed that they were planning their next trip. My husband texted the lady, “Prepare yourself for me. I miss your sweet body.” Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I was beyond shocked. This is a man who can’t stand to touch me or play with my body yet he was out there calling another girl’s body sweet.

What could she possibly have that I don’t have? I was so angry and so hurt. Of all the things I expected to find, I didn’t expect to find him cheating. He was the same person who said relationships are not about shuperu so why is he getting it outside? Regardless of what I’d found, I tried to make things better between us. As usual, he refused all my suggestions. I wanted answers so I took a screenshot of what I found on his phone and sent it to myself. I later sent the screenshots to him when he was at work. He saw them but he didn’t respond. For three days he didn’t say anything about it so I went ahead and sent the lady a WhatsApp message.

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I wrote, “Hello I am the wife of the man you are dating. The man you are planning to go on a small tour with. I don’t have a problem with you because I believe my husband didn’t tell you he is married. And if you know he is married and you are with him, Karma will visit you.” She replied “I’m sorry, please. I didn’t know he is married.” I texted back “Okay.” That was all. I didn’t say another word to her.

I was at my parents’ house when all this happened. That evening, I called my husband and he greeted me with insults; “You are very foolish. You don’t have sense. Why are you this stupid? You took a number from my phone and texted the person? How can you do that? Who gave you that permission to go through my phone in the first place?” I was speechless. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had anything to say because as soon as he finished insulting me, he hung up the phone.

He hasn’t called me after that day. He is still angry about me texting his side chick. He doesn’t even ask of the baby. Slowly, it’s dawning on me that he never loved me. Ever since I met him, he had never taken me anywhere, yet he is out there taking another woman on trips. He is threatening to divorce me because of what I did and I have also decided not to go back to him. I know marriage is not about shuperu but I don’t remember the last time I had any soul-satisfying experience with him. It’s driving me crazy. My parents say he is my husband and so I have to go back to him. I want to know if I was wrong to text his side chick. I didn’t insult her but my husband called me horrible names for doing that.

–Nina

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