I was in training college when my mother fell ill. I am her only child and we didn’t have any relatives we were close to. So I had to quit school and stay home to take care of her. Her illness required round-the-clock care so neither of us could work. I look back on those grey days and I don’t know how I managed to afford food, medication, utility bills, and hospital bills without any source of income.

My mum’s illness isolated me from everyone except for my boyfriend, Kissi. He lived in Kumasi while I lived in Accra but I kept him informed about the turn my life had taken. There was another male friend from my school who expressed interest in me. He called me from time to time to check up on me. But because I didn’t accept his proposal to be his girlfriend, he was not as actively involved in my life as Kissi was. I remember a time when my mum asked me if I had any men approaching me.

I was too shy to tell her I had a boyfriend. So I told her, “Actually, there are two guys who have expressed interest in me. I don’t know which of them to choose.” “Tell me all about these guys.” After I told her everything about Kissi and the guy in my school, she asked to see their photos. I showed their photos to her and she pointed to the guy in my school saying, “I like this one.” When I asked her why she chose him she said, “There is something about him that seems right.” “But I like the other one,” I said, referring to Kissi.

She asked to talk to him so I called him on a video call and they spoke. Then in October 2019, my mum passed away. I didn’t have anyone to fall on but my boyfriend. There were ways in which I expected him to be there for me but all he told me was sorry. When I told him about the date for my mum’s funeral he complained, “Funerals are not my thing. Even when someone dies in my family, I don’t attend the funeral.” I got his message so I responded, “Don’t worry about attending my mum’s funeral. I will be too busy to notice the guests, anyway.” Instead of him accepting the pass I gave him quietly, he went on to say that he doesn’t even have funeral clothes. His behavior both annoyed and hurt me but I didn’t say anything.

A few days to the burial service, Kissi called me asking for directions to the place. After I gave it to him he said, “Prepare for my arrival. I won’t eat anything except sausage and gizzard with red wine.” True to his word he came and he was with his cousin. I served them very well. You would think they came to a party and not a funeral. When he was leaving, he didn’t even bother to give me a token as a donation. He came empty-handed and left with a full stomach.

I had never asked this guy for anything since we started dating in 2017. He had also never given me any gift so I expected him to make an exception and give me something small for the funeral but he did not. My best friend asked me if he gave me anything. I couldn’t lie to her so said no. She concluded there and then that the guy is not in love with me. But I didn’t listen to her.

After the burial, I felt lost. I was mostly crying when I missed my mum. I felt so alone. Kissi’s way of comforting me was to say, “You are not the first person to lose a mother so quit the pity party and move on.” I was so hurt that I started losing interest in him. I was withdrawing from him slowly but he didn’t even notice. In December of that same year, we were texting when he asked if I had plans to go out. I told him I didn’t have money for an outing. He answered, “Since you’ve decided not to go out and get a job, you will starve. Even the Bible said a hand that doesn’t work won’t eat.”

I was shocked by what he said. I asked if he meant it and he said yes. I told him, “At this point, I am certain you don’t have a heart. I am done with this relationship.” He called and persuaded me to give him another chance. I didn’t want to deal with yet another loss so I did. I expected him to change or at least apologize for what he said to me but he didn’t.

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In February 2020 I attended a program at Kumasi and he called me to pass by his place but I told him I wouldn’t. He even gave me directions but I didn’t go. Then COVID struck, and he called me to visit him before the lockdown would take effect, but I declined the invitation. He knew I was still holding on to what he said yet he refused to apologize. He insisted that it was the hard truth. I asked him, “How many jobs do you know that allows people to work part-time? I got a helper to send me back to school and you are telling me I am lazy for not working. Do you want me to turn down the opportunity to continue my education and go work instead?” It was then that he apologized for his insensitive comment.

I wasn’t sure he meant the apology but I forgave him. We made up and I traveled to Kumasi to go and visit him. While I was there I found a lady’s dress in his stuff. I asked him about it and he said the dress was mine. I told him it wasn’t mine. It wasn’t even my size. He said I was the only woman who had been to his room so it had to be mine. I didn’t push it. I became very suspicious of him. What made me doubt him more was when he told me, “I am not interested in having shuperu. I don’t want to expend my energy and die young.” So we hardly did it. That was when I knew he was getting it elsewhere.

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A few months after I left his place he asked if I found a job. I said no. And he suggested I move in with him. This is something my mother warned me never to do. Apart from that, I was no longer sure that he was the one for me. So I told him I wouldn’t move in with him. Then I mustered the courage and asked him to send me some money for some course materials. He could have said he didn’t have money. Or he could have simply said no. Any of those would have been acceptable. What he did say was, “I won’t give my money to a lady who isn’t working. If I do that and I am in need one day, she won’t be able to help me out.” I was not surprised he said that but I was hurt. I ended the relationship there and then.

I have managed to move on and put him behind me. However, he sent me a message recently announcing that he is in Accra so I should come and visit him. I told him I have better things to do with my time so he shouldn’t stress himself by expecting my company. He then asked, “So you want nothing to do with me?” I answered, “What did you think would happen? All you did when we were together was hurt me with your words.” He said he wasn’t trying to hurt me, “You were always complaining about money yet you didn’t attempt to work and earn your own money. All I tried to do was motivate you to stop being lazy.”

I don’t intend to take him back but I am wondering if he is right. Was I being lazy, or is he just making excuses for his stinginess? Aren’t men biologically wired to care for their women?

–Raven

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