Immediately I agreed to be his girlfriend he said, “There is a perception that people in the security services cheat on their partners. The men do it a lot, but the women even do it better. They are so good at covering their tracks that people rarely suspect them. But those of us who know them know everything they hide.” I didn’t understand why he would say such things when he knew very well that I work in the security service.

I told him right there and then that I had no idea what he was talking about. “This is the first time anyone is saying this to me. I have never heard of any stereotypes that suggest that women in the security services are unfaithful to their partners.” He insisted it was true. And then introduced some rules into the relationship.

He said, “I don’t want you to entertain men in any way. Not even in the name of friendship. I want to be the only man in your life, except, of course, your relatives.” His words sounded like the songs of a madman. I caught a glimpse into the future we would have if I dared agree to his rules, and in it, I was not happy.

In as much as I owe it to myself and my partner not to cheat, we are humans. I cannot cut off all my connections and friendships with men just because my boyfriend says so. I remember telling him there and then that there was no point in continuing the relationship. “If you think the only way to ensure my commitment is to impose rules on me then you don’t trust me. And the fact that you don’t trust me means neither of us will have peace of mind in this relationship. So let’s not even start at all.”

He was very apologetic. “I am sorry if I scared you. I will work on myself if you give me a chance,” he promised. I was also interested in seeing where things would go so I gave him a chance. As time went on, I noticed that whenever we got into a misunderstanding, I would quickly let it go, but he wouldn’t. He would hold on to his anger for as long as possible. Meanwhile, he is very quick-tempered. It has often been said that people who are quick-tempered easily let go of their anger. Well, not in my boyfriend’s case.

A few days ago, I made a post on Facebook. One of my mates from SHS commented under the post, “Our wife.” I knew he was referring to my boyfriend so I replied to his comment with a flower emoji. My man went through the comment section and replied to that particular comment with, “Okay.”

Immediately I saw it, I took a screenshot and sent it to him through WhatsApp with the intention of teasing him. Unbeknownst to me, this guy was jealous. He thought I had something going on with my classmate. No matter how many times I explained to him that we were just friends, he didn’t believe me. We ended up having a heated argument because of this issue. Could you believe he went for four whole days without talking to me?

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I love him. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him. But I am just so tired of his insecurities. How can I marry a man I can’t play with? Fear grips me every time I imagine our future. Left to him alone, we will both be serious all the time. He will probably tell me, “Don’t laugh at another man’s jokes.”

I know he loves me but there’s a thin line between love and possession, and I am convinced he has crossed that line. The rate at which he gets angry and insecure when I relate with my colleagues at work or my male friends is draining.

He Says He Can’t Date Me Because I’m Too Beautiful

Every week that passes, we fight at least once. Sometimes it’s more than once. Guess what we fight about? His insecurities. He doesn’t want me to be friendly with people I live in the same house with. Is that normal? He said he is working on himself but it’s been a year. And nothing about him has changed. He is still the same possessive man I started dating.

Although I still love him, I am ready to walk away from the relationship. My Christian values aside, I believe in what my tradition says about women who cheat on their men. People even die through that. So that’s something I will not do. Why can’t he just accept my words of reassurance and enjoy what we have? Why do we always fight about something I am not doing? In how many languages should I say, “No, I am not cheating on you. And I don’t intend to do that,” before it sinks into his head? I just can’t take it anymore.

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—Phoebe 

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