He is five years older than me but he asked me to be his girlfriend when I was in JSS. I didn’t even pretend to think about it before I turned him down. He came back again when I completed Secondary school and was working. That one too, I didn’t accept him. All those times I didn’t feel ready for a relationship. However, when he came back a few years later, I said yes.

One thing about him that bothered me was his ability to shut me off whenever he felt wronged by me. This man would go for days without talking to me. Even if it wasn’t my fault that he was angry, I would apologize to him for the sake of peace but he still wouldn’t forgive me. It was only after he felt he had had enough and was ready to talk to me again that he would talk to me.

There was a time when I went to town with him to buy some stuff. On our way back we ran into a mutual friend. That guy was loud and had a habit of touching people inappropriately whenever he saw them in public. And that day he did it to me. When he first started, I asked him to stop but he didn’t listen. So I got furious and insulted him.

When we left, Eric got upset with me. He asked me, “Was it necessary that you insult him? Couldn’t you have allowed him to do whatever he wanted for us to walk away peacefully? Look at how you disrespected and disgraced me just because a friend was playing with you.” It was like a movie. He left me there and refused to talk to me for weeks.

I went looking for him but he told his mum and siblings to send me away with the message, “He is not around.” It was after several weeks that he came to apologize. Because I still loved him, I accepted his apology and picked up the relationship from where we left off.

Another time I went to visit him. We were having a conversation with his siblings and a topic came up. There were two sides to it so we were arguing over it. The side I picked was against his. I just didn’t agree with his points. It was all fun and games until he shouted at me, “I am your man so what I am saying is right. Keep quiet.” I stood my ground and insisted my point was right too. This infuriated him. So he went inside and left me there.

When I followed him to his room he said, “This time around too you’ve disrespected me. You did it in front of my siblings. So now they will be thinking that I am not man enough to control my woman.” Again, he did not talk to me for two months. When he calmed down he came with people to apologize to me. I had a lot of respect for the people he came with so I accepted him back.

Throughout our relationship, he believed he was always right. If he didn’t agree with someone or something, I dared not stand against him. My family and friends saw this behavior and got concerned on my behalf. They asked me, “Are you sure you can marry this man? You won’t be happy if you do. Everything you are seeing now will intensify in marriage.” I took everything they said with a pinch of salt.

Someone might think that I stayed because of money. Far from that. I was working so I never asked anything from him. He also wasn’t one to spend money lavishly but he was kind when I needed him to be. If I was hungry and he had his last meal, he would share it with me. A man like this will take good care of me, I thought. Also, I didn’t stay because I was “dickmatized”. For the first two years we were together, we didn’t have Shuperu. And in our third year, we got married.

Everyone who knew tried to talk me out of the marriage but I didn’t listen. Even on the day of our traditional marriage, my sister told me; “Please, call off this marriage. I will help you get through the aftermath.” I shook my head at her and said, “No, this is what I want.” I don’t know if it was desperation to get married or blind faith in Eric that he would get better if we were living under the same roof.

He had a child before we started dating, but that did not affect our relationship, or our marriage in the beginning. The person whose presence troubled me in the marriage was his mother. She was the president of the marriage. Everything she said was final. And Eric never did anything without asking permission from her. She even controlled our money.

He never sought my opinions in his decisions. It was always his mother. It didn’t help matters that we lived in the same house with her. It was a family house. The woman was just like her son. She was always right about everything. She had access to all the knowledge of this world. You dare not disagree with her.

I got pregnant almost immediately after we got married. The first trimester was difficult for me. I was constantly vomiting and spitting. Because of this, my husband refused to eat my food. So his mother started cooking for him. Sometimes she would see me cooking a meal, but go ahead and prepare the same thing. When Eric got home from work, he would eat his mother’s and ignore mine.

Out of frustration, I stopped cooking. On days I cooked, it was only something small for me. If I asked him to give me money to buy stuff, he would give the money to his mother to buy them for me. Some of these things were personal. His mother would still buy them and tell me, “My son said you need this so here it is. I have extra so if this one finishes you can come for more.” Yes, that happened. So I stopped asking him for things. I started taking care of my own needs. And if I needed something I couldn’t afford, I saved up for it.

All this drama with his mother was stressing me, especially in my condition. So I started telling my family and a close friend about my problems. My sister, in an attempt to help, called Eric and advised him to take good care of me. I suppose he deduced that I ratted him out to her. This was the last straw that sent our marriage to the ground. Instead of him to change, he ignored me completely.

We lived under the same roof and slept on the same bed but I might as well be a ghost to him. We lived like strangers. What I ate, drank, and wore wasn’t his business. To make things worse, he started sleeping outside. He would go to work and not return. I didn’t want to push him away further so I didn’t complain. I just watched him do whatever he wanted.

When my due date was approaching, I asked him for money to purchase the baby items but he ignored me. So I asked his sister to put in a word for me. That was when I found out that it was his mother who asked him not to buy anything. She said it was too early. “What if the baby doesn’t make it?” She asked. When I heard this, I wept bitterly. I realized then that I was in the marriage with my mother-in-law.

I got my sister involved and she convinced him to give me the money for the items. After I bought everything, I moved to my mother’s place. A day after I went there, I was in labour. A few weeks after I delivered, I returned to my husband’s place. I thought our newborn would melt his heart and set his mind straight but no. Nothing changed. He still refused to talk to me.

I couldn’t take the trauma he was putting me through so I left. Unbeknownst to me, he had gotten back with his baby mama. He had rented a new place for her and that was where he spent his nights whenever he wasn’t coming home. While we had yet to finalize our divorce, she got pregnant with their second child. The next thing I knew, they were married.

The way this woman mocked me was no joke. She would see me and start shouting, “What is yours is always yours. As for me, I will not joke with my marriage. I came to stay.” She did all this yet I never said a word to her.

Eric was taking care of our child but not fully. He only paid for school fees and gave pocket money. If I asked for anything else the child needs he would say he didn’t have money. Meanwhile, when he sees me he starts singing, Money no be problem.” He did all this but God is always faithful. I take care of the child’s other needs without his help.

As I write this, his marriage with his new wife has collapsed. They are divorced and he has moved on to a new woman again. All credit goes to his mother for making this happen.

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When I look back at our journey, I know that I ignored the red flags when we were dating. Others saw it and pointed it out to me but I ignored them too. I allowed love and the promise of marriage to blind me to the reality I was seeing. The only thing I did not see coming until I entered the marriage was his mother. He gave no indication that he was a mama’s puppet. And his mother never came across as someone controlling. Apart from that, I saw everything else and still married him regardless.

I entered a marriage that cheated me and I was still cheated when we divorced. For instance, I contributed to buying the mattress we slept on, curtains, air conditioner, and other stuff. But when I was leaving, I did not take a pin away. I gave more to that marriage financially than I received.

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I don’t even know why I endured so much from and at the hands of a man who never fought for me. Anyway, I’m glad that I left at the time I left. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed longer?

If you are about to marry, please learn from my mistakes. Don’t ignore the red flags. Listen to the people around you. They see what you overlook. Don’t rush to say, “I do” at the expense of your happiness and peace of mind.

—Julia 

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