My husband moved from where we live in Qatar to a European country a month after we got married. It was after he left that I sat down to assess the state of our marriage. I didn’t marry a bad man, that’s true. But the whole marriage felt rushed. There was a lot I didn’t think about before saying, “I Do.”
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I was so in love and excited to get married that I didn’t pause to listen to anyone or anything. To be honest, I did not even wait to hear from God first. And as a Christian, that’s not a good thing. I knew this as much as I knew God wouldn’t approve of the kind of man I was going to marry.
Here is the thing, while I am deeply rooted in my Christian faith, Martin has never been much into anything Christianity. Right from the time we started dating in 2020 to the time we got married in 2024, he never showed any signs that he would change eventually.
I remember a time when he went out and left me at his place. I was cleaning his room when I stumbled on a bag containing some stuff. I couldn’t identify the items, but I knew they were of African origin. I am Ugandan while he is a Ghanaian from the Ewe (Volta) region, so I just assumed it was something cultural. When he came back, I asked him what it was and he reacted as if I had done something wrong.
“Never touch this bag again,” he warned sternly.
I should have been curious to know more about what I saw but I left it alone. It’s now that we are married that it’s all dawning on me that the signs were there all along.
I should have walked away the moment I realized that his faith did not align with mine. However, I was deeply in love with this man. I wasn’t delusional enough to think that I could change him. But I believed if I prayed hard for him, he would come to know God for himself.
So the entire time we were dating, I was praying that God would work on him. Every time my pastor asked me questions concerning his faith, I lied to her. When my family asked about him, I told them everything except the part where he was not a Christian.
Based on what I told my family about him, they easily fell in love with him. Eventually, his personality also won them over completely.
We were taking our time concerning the marriage preparations but we had to speed up the process when he got the opportunity to leave Qatar for a European country.
“I want us to legalize our union before I leave. So let’s get married,” that’s how he proposed.
At twenty-seven, I was over the moon at the prospects of marriage. He wasn’t ready financially but I was there to assist him. I travelled home and he followed me a week later, in the company of two of two of his brothers.
He had a car back in his country. We sold the car and used a small part of the money for the marriage ceremony. The majority of the money went into his travel preparations. Which means I had to take care of the rest of the marriage expenses. I even paid my own dowry. By the time we were done, I had depleted all my savings.
I did all this because I loved him. And he promised to refund my money.
He is yet to pay the money but that’s not a problem for me. He has been taking good care of me since he got there. I haven’t been working but I lack nothing. He provides everything I need. So I know he will stick to his word and refund my money when he is ready.
My problem remains the differences in our faith. I have seen too much at this point to keep living in denial. I saw some of the things when we were dating but for some reason, I couldn’t stay away from him. It was as if a force bigger than me was keeping me tied to him.
The first one happened when I was praying and fasting for him to come to know God. I had a terrifying dream. A man I didn’t know came to me and started strangling me. He told me to stop praying and that I was disrupting their activities. I struggled to breathe while saying, “Jesus Jesus Jesus,” repeatedly before the man disappeared. When I woke up and told Martin about the dream he said nothing.
The next attack happened with a woman. She came to me while I was praying and said she wouldn’t allow Martin to escape her control. When I woke and recounted the dream to my man he said, “I will call my mother and tell her.” I asked more questions and that was when I found out that his family believes in smaller gods. By then we were already married. What could I have done?
Last month, while I was fasting and praying, I had another dream. In this one, my husband told me, “Don’t worry about the attacks. I sent money to my mother to give to someone to pray for you.”
When I woke up and told him about the dream he said it was true. “My mother gave money to a Muslim woman who prays for her and reads the Quran for our family, to include you in her prayers.”
I knew he meant well but I broke down in tears. Any born-again Christian would understand why I cried.
Lord knows I love this man but we are just too different. While I believe Jesus is the only way, he is a mix of faiths and religions. On one side, he believes in smaller gods, and on the other hand, his family participates in Muslim prayers. These are things I am not comfortable with but they are very normal to him.
Another thing I am convinced I didn’t think through properly is the living arrangements. Although I am currently in a foreign land, I don’t intend to remain here long-term. I am too attached to my mother and brother to move away from them completely.
When I explained this to Martin he said not to worry. “You can live close to your family while I also live here. We can maintain two separate homes and make it work.”
The truth is, I don’t want a marriage that feels like a part-time arrangement. I don’t like the idea of living in one place while my husband lives elsewhere. And now that my husband has gotten the idea that we can live in two homes he does not wish to change his mind. He is even encouraging me to get a job in any country I want to. Whether I stay here in Qatar or return to Uganda, he doesn’t mind.
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I am not wrong if I even say that he seemed too eager to accept my unwillingness to move to where he lives. So the question is, why is my husband so comfortable with the idea of me living alone? I don’t know if I am feeling this way because of the distance or if I am being immature about this whole marriage thing, but I know I feel lost.
The last time he came to visit me was last month. I asked him, “How long do you intend to stay abroad?”
I Was The Man In The Relationship And He Didn’t Like It
He answered, “I have to be there until the projects in my country are done.”
Here lies the case where I don’t want to be in a long-distance marriage. The alternative is to walk away, considering all the differences we have but I am scared of what society will say. I feel I am too young to deal with the stigma of being divorced. I feel so lost. What do I do?
—Eva
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When be loves you,you know,when he doesn’t love you,you are confused! Too many red flags! The reality is that you aren’t actually married,sis! You are alone! I don’t know how many more years you want to be lost! Either you find your way now or continue and amount more years in the wilderness!
Yes thats he did is not right
Hello, you know the answer to this whole Imbroglio.
You are blinded by the so called love for him.
But by now you have to know that Love alone is not the o only ingredient needed in marriage.
Your opinions also count. From the way things are going, it appears he doesn’t really care about your opinions.
And there’s in significant thing about this tribe and marriage, no matter what, he will marry another from his tribe.
Mark this.
*and therebis one significant
Even me ‘m confused too. You seem to be suffering from self- inflicted problems. You are the one who told him that you’re too attached to your family to live away from them. He agreed with you and tried to be supportive, now you are complaining. If you don’t want two different homes, then make plans to go and join him where he is.
As for his faith, salvation is personal. He’s not pressuring you to change your own religion, so why are you disturbing him? If he can be happy dating a Christian without insisting that you follow his religion, why can’t you do the same for him? People like you are often hypocrites. You were praying for him and stopped because of the attacks from evil forces. Of what benefit is your Christianity if you cannot stand against the forces of evil? If you aren’t strong enough spiritually to stand against idol worshippers, then why should he give up idolatry? Why move from a winning team to a losing team? If you can’t even protect yourself from spiritual attacks, how will you protect him if decides to convert. If he becomes a born again Christian today, can you guarantee his safety? Even the Bible encourages you not to divorce your non-Christian spouse, provided that they are willing to continue being married to you. Some women are married to pastors and are regretting it. What some Christian brothers have done to their wives, even pagans or atheists cannot do.
If he’s a good husband in other ways, then leave him alone to practise the religion that he’s comfortable with. As for the other stuff, decide what you want. It’s unfair to be unhappy with him for agreeing with you.
Reg has said it all.
End the marriage before it’s too late, you are not a hypocrite .You are not supposed to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever and the deed is done , well iron sharpen iron and there’s strength in unity so if you feel alone
Go back to your people and find ur root . If things work out for him, he’ll go n marry someone from his place that’s their attitude
Do what’s best for you and be at peace with ur inner self
Very ethnicentic and backward wrapped logic coming from GINA! Who is “their attitude”? The world has moved on beyond this stereotyping and so should you, Gina!