I was separated from my ex-husband two years before our divorce was finalized. Although the marriage ended, we had a child together. And I am the one who got full custody of our daughter. So I made up my mind that I would dedicate the rest of my life to being the best mother I can be to her.

When my family talked to me about meeting another man and remarrying, I told them, “No, I don’t want another man. I have experienced too much trauma at the hands of my ex-husband to entertain another man. Right now I just want to focus on raising my daughter and healing.” They didn’t want to accept that I was done with men and marriage in general.

Whenever the elders around me got the chance, they sat me down and advised me, “Just because you experienced one bad marriage doesn’t mean all marriages are not good. You are still young so you will need a man at some point. Don’t forget that you have only one child. She needs siblings. How can you give her that if you don’t allow yourself to love again?” Everything they said fell on deaf ears.

My mother went as far as introducing her friend’s son to me. I wasn’t interested so it didn’t lead anywhere. Everything they said and did to get me interested in men again amounted to nothing. The one thought I couldn’t take out of my mind was how good things were when I first fell in love with my ex, and then I married him to experience hell. So I concluded that men are nice when you first meet them but eventually, they turn into beasts. That’s why I thought it safe to stay away from them completely.

Eventually, my folks left me alone. However, a sister of mine spoke to me about her cousin. “He will be good for you,” she said. I gave her the same response I gave everyone else, “Don’t bother introducing him to me because I am not interested in anyone.” Unlike the others, she didn’t take no for an answer. She said, “Why don’t you talk to him first? If you don’t like him you can stop.” I agreed and she introduced us.

We started chatting, and the conversations were interesting. Soon enough, we started making phone calls to each other. It was nice. I was still skeptical about men but I enjoyed talking to him. When we felt comfortable on the phone, we started arranging visits. Things then progressed to romantic getaways. Everything felt right with him. His company was addictive.

It didn’t take long before we started talking about the future and marriage. He went to see my family and officially declared his intention to marry me. For someone who swore off men and marriage, my family was happy that I had a change of heart. So they welcomed my man with open arms. They concluded that he must be special to change my mind.

It was after the official introduction that I started seeing things in a certain light. Everything my ex-husband exhibited at the beginning of the end of our marriage, I saw clearly in this guy. He started lying unnecessarily. We would be together and he would go outside to receive certain phone calls. This triggered me. I saw them as signs of cheating.

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I told him, “Maybe we should take a break so that you can be clear about what it is you want.” He asked what I meant, and I listed all the suspicious things he was doing. “I have seen this behavior before. It doesn’t usually end well,” I said. His response was, “Well, if that’s what you think of me then let’s end the relationship.” I agreed to the break up but now I am confused.

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I am wondering if I was too quick to pass judgment on him. Maybe I haven’t properly healed from my past so I am bleeding on an innocent man. But I keep asking myself, “If my accusations were not true, then why was he so defensive?” Another part of me keeps echoing the voices of my family. I am still young but time is the enemy of youth, and time is passing by fast. What if I don’t find another man to accept me and my child?

The question burning through my mind is, what does it take to keep a man? I’m not a bad person but I have never been lucky with men. I don’t know if I am doing something wrong or if I am just attracting the wrong kind of men. I will be glad if the women here, especially the single mothers who found love, will share their experiences with me. I want to learn so I can be better.

—June 

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