It’s 3:12 AM but sleep seems to be having a quarrel with me. I have all the bad things cramming up in my head. This headache that has been with me for over five years has also joined the party. They all seem to be having fun but the only thing on my mind is, when will it all end? I know this page is a relationship page so I did not want to write this in the first place. But I can’t bear these heavy emotions all by myself anymore. I need someone to vent to. So pardon me if this rant dampens your joy this Monday morning.

I am at a place where when someone dies, I don’t feel sad. It does not even break my heart that they will be missed. KODA was one of my favourite musicians, yet when he died it did not pain me in the way it should. When I saw people writing about what a loss it is to have him gone, I was jealous. Believe it. I was envious of the dead. I wished I was the one who died instead of him.

I have a headache that has been a thorn in my flesh since 2018. I am not speaking in metaphors. I am talking about a literal headache. When the pain comes, it feels like someone is splitting my brain into two with a knife. It gets so bad that all I pray for is death. I cry out to him or whatever gender fits eternal sleep, saying, “Come for me and end my misery. Living is too painful an existence.” This is why each time an old classmate, a friend, or a relative passes I am pained that they did not take me along with them. Sometimes all I say is, “This person is so lucky to be taken away from this awful world. It should have been me and not them. Next time I hope it’s me.” But the next time I find myself receiving news instead of being the news.

When I go online and see my friends, and people in my online community happy and moving steadily with life, I scoff. I see some of them posting pictures of parties they attended, while others talk with great pride about their academic accomplishments and career milestones, and it all looks good. But I am not stupid. I know most of them are faking it. I know this because I am one of them. You will never see me without a smile on my face and a kind word for anyone I come across.

I am practically a motivational speaker. I tell people not to succumb to their low moments. “Do what the sun does after a night of darkness, rise to the occasion!” I would say. I am the one you come to for cheer, meanwhile, my life is as bleak as daytime in the Antarctic. This is why I believe when they say, not all that glitters is gold, they are talking about me. I am the most lively person you will ever encounter but I am always looking around the corner, hoping and praying that my time to exit this world is closer than ever.

I know, I know, most people will say I’m crazy. Some will tell me, “There is more to life than your suffering,” and “blah, blah, blah.” I already know all this but it does not change the fact that I am tired. I really am.

This feeling of loneliness, of emptiness, of sadness, plagues me. My life is an open door it walks into and walks out of at will. Sometimes I tell myself it is an evil spirit, but I know better than to blame the devil for my problems. I know it is because I am not truly loved by the people in my life.

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I believe that if my ailment should cripple me today, no one will come to my aid. The ones who can come won’t, and the ones who want to will not be able to. I say this because almost everyone in my life gets close to me to get what they want from me. When they are done, they leave. That’s why there are only two people on this earth who know the true extent of my suffering.

I have tried to open up a few times but people hate to have these conversations. They only want to hear the good stuff. Even my pastor indirectly shut me down when I tried to confide in him.

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When it comes to romance, I don’t even bother. It is not as if nobody wants me. I’m not blowing my own horn but I am handsome. I have many ladies crushing on me. But I can’t even take any of them seriously. I know I’ll waste their time and effort and I’m not ready to do that to someone’s child, so I ignore all of them. It didn’t even end well in all my previous relationships so why try now that the end is near?

In case you are wondering what I truly want, just know that I don’t need money, no, I passed that level a long time ago. As for prayers, I am not even sure I do, because someone might pray a prayer I don’t like. I just need a time machine, to go back to a place where I didn’t know this pain. I say this because as time progresses, it keeps getting worse. This is why I hope it takes me to my grave soon so I can be free.

— Job

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