I Need Someone To Talk To But More Than Anything, I Need Jesus

My mum single-handedly raised four of us, and I happen to be the last born. She did her absolute best for us to be comfortable. Things were not so bad at home, but they were not good either. We were just fine, and for that I am thankful. I don’t understand why but all of a sudden I started experiencing mood swings, inferiority complex, low self-esteem, pessimism, and so much negativity in 2018. I honestly wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

When I was in my final year at SHS, I started urinating on my bed. I was seventeen then. I was so confused as to why such a thing was happening to me. While I was dealing with my confusion, I also had to deal with the mockery I received from the girls in my dormitory. They teased me to my face and insulted me behind my back. Everything they did just made things worse for me.

I went to see a doctor and was prescribed some medication. I took the drugs and followed the list of do’s and don’t’s the doctor gave me, but it did not stop. A family pastor had to come in and help me pray. That was when it subsided till it gradually stopped. While all this was happening, WASSCE was approaching. So it affected my studies and confidence. I was always hiding away from people. I couldn’t partake in conversations for fear of being laughed at. I was even sure I would fail my WASSCE but surprisingly, I didn’t.

While I was waiting for my results after school, I entered my first amorous relationship. My relationship with the guy was fine but I was depressed. I couldn’t openly talk about how I felt with anyone so I tried to use my own understanding to heal myself. I am not a psychologist so I had no idea what I was doing. In fact, I ended up making things worse. Somehow, I convinced myself that the boy I was dating was distracting me from giving myself the help I was looking for. And just like that, I broke up with him. He was hurt but it didn’t matter. I felt I had done the right thing for myself.

The next year which was 2019, I met another guy whom I dated. I always feel guilty anytime I kiss or touch a guy so I told him, “I am not comfortable with physical touch or any act of romance.”

“What about kissing?” he asked.

“I am not comfortable with that either. Let’s just have a chaste relationship.” I responded.

“Then we might as well be friends. What kind of relationship will it be if we can’t even kiss?” he objected.

I did not break up with him after he raised his objections. I also did not break my rules for him. We were still together when I met someone else. This new guy was just a friend. I felt comfortable enough around him to discuss my relationship problems with him. He told me, “Don’t mind your boyfriend. There are relationships out there that do not involve any acts of physical touch until marriage. If you date me, I will accept your terms and respect your boundaries.” So I started dating this new guy alongside my boyfriend.

I did things with him that I refused to do with my boyfriend. We kissed, touched, and exchanged erotic messages. We did not have sex though. It was all fun and games until my boyfriend found out about the new guy. He contacted the guy, and God knows what they talked about. The two of them insulted me as if I am not human. Their reaction compounded my depression.

I felt the best course of action was to break up with my boyfriend and seek spiritual guidance. So I did just that. I then found a lady friend I could go to church with. Going to church helped me a great deal. I saw some improvements in my mental health and my life in general. As I felt better, I got into another relationship in 2021.

It lasted for only three months. After it ended my first boyfriend resurfaced. We started talking again. You know what they say about old flames. Our love was rekindled in no time. Things were really good this time around but he wanted to get touchy with me. I told him, “I am sorry but I want a chaste relationship. There will be no touching or kissing.” He did not take it well, “What you are asking for is friendship, not a relationship.” I wasn’t ready to break my rules for anyone again so I left him yet again.

At this point, you might tag me as the girl who leaves when things get hard, and that’s true. I don’t have shuperu with the men so it makes it easier for me to walk away when things are not going the way I want them to. I called it self-preservation. With my poor mental health, I didn’t want to leave certain things to chance.

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Despite all my efforts to keep myself sane, my depression has escalated. It is almost physically crippling. It’s been a year since I went to church. I am currently in my fourth year in medical school but I avoid people due to inferiority complex. I can sit behind my books for hours but I don’t absorb anything I read. I look back at my life and all the boys I hurt and I am filled with regret. If only I was in a better state of mental health, I would have been kinder to them.

These days I have been having suicidal thoughts. I skip classes whenever the thoughts come. I also get anxious and get panic attacks when I’m in the midst of people. Because of this, I have no friends. I spend most of my time indoors doing nothing but crying and thinking. For no apparent reason, I am convinced that people hate me. And there is a voice in my head that tells me I will fail at anything I do. So whenever I have to write the exams I would have dreams that I failed, before I even write the exams. I have lost so many opportunities because of this irrational fear. I had the opportunity to go to school abroad but I declined it because the voice in my head told me, “You will fail the exams you are required to write to get into the school.”

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This whole thing is draining me. I need Jesus. I need someone to talk to. I have tried to talk to my mum but no matter how hard I explain it, she doesn’t understand me. This is too much for a young girl of twenty-two years to bear alone. Sometimes I would sit in a car and pray the car gets into an accident so I die. I really need help.

I am looking for an elderly person who will counsel me and guide me through life. This person must be a Christian because I want them to draw me closer to God and help me with my prayer life. Is there a counselor or a pastor on this page who can play this role in my life? I live in Kumasi and it would be great if I could meet the person face to face and pour my heart out to them.