They say you don’t get what you want. I didn’t want to believe this saying until when I started dating seriously after university. All the women I fell in love with didn’t want me. There’s a way I want my women. I want them tall and slender. I want the ones with a large behind and a small chest. She should be able to communicate well and also have a sense of humour. Above all that, she should be working and probably driving her own car.

Those were the requirements. I found those women confident and towering. When a woman has her own, she has a voice. She won’t be allowed to be pushed around and a woman who has struggled to get to the top got there because of her intelligence. I wanted that kind of woman because I didn’t want to live with a woman who’ll worship me even when I’m wrong just because I’m a man.

I needed a woman who’ll turn our house into a courtroom. We’ll argue it out until the best mind wins. It was hard getting a woman like that. Those who came my way were only beautiful and nothing else. They didn’t have the job. Those who had the job didn’t earn much to buy a car. They were the ones who’ll call you at night and tell you, “My mom is sick. Can you give me GHC1,000 to pay for her bills?”

I didn’t believe such a woman could be assertive. If I pay for such things, you’ll submit to me in every way no matter how wrong I am. I needed an equal partner. Someone stronger. Someone who is not afraid to follow her own light. None came my way so I settled for what looked like the one but not necessarily the one. Linda. She had a job and proved to be supportive. She understood me at a level I didn’t expect a woman would. She was vocal and was always there for me. We dated for two years and got married.

I didn’t marry her out of pity or because she was the one who came along when what I wanted wasn’t available. She won me over with the little things–things I didn’t know I wanted in a woman. She was sweet to me even when I made a mistake. She would point the mistake out and maybe ask for an apology and forgive me right there and then. A heart that forgives is a heart that’s ready to go the distance with you. I accepted who she was and fell in love with what she could also bring to the table. I told myself, “My heart is closed. The end. No more space for love because I have who I want.”

Three months after marriage Jenny came along. She was a friend to a friend and through that friend, I got to know her. Jenny had everything I wanted in a woman; slender, thick at the back and light in front. She drove a beautiful car and didn’t hide from a confrontation. We became closer due to an argument we had. After everything, she said she admired my input but she couldn’t let it go through because her input was tried and tested.

We became friends who met with our mutual friend often. Later, we became friends who met without our mutual friend. We talked a lot and I enjoyed her conversations about the places she had traveled. She’s well travelled and you see it in the way she walks. There’s something foreign about it. Like a continental dish you want but can’t afford. We had this friendship going until it turned into feelings.

She liked me and it showed through the way she wanted to talk to me often and meet me. I liked her, in fact, I adored her because she had everything I wanted in a woman. The woman I should have married instead of my wife. I told her, “If I met you earlier, the story would have been different.” It wasn’t a lie I told just to get her to sleep with me. It was the truth. My truth. Because I know what I want.

She told me, “Men are not good for me. Or maybe I attracted the wrong kind. I’ve resigned from love until further notice but you strike me as someone I could have loved but unfortunately, I came too late. That’s sad but that’s how life is.”

I asked her, “So what are we going to do about it?” She answered, “I don’t know. It’s all up to you. You’re the one who couldn’t wait for my arrival before getting married. You have something to lose so you decide.”

I smiled in my head. I said to myself, “Afa!”

I got home that day and gave the whole thing some deeper thought. Yes, I loved her but to what end? She was the kind I wanted but I already had a perfect option in her place. I was the one who had something to lose. “Am I ready to lose my three months marriage because of her?”

I looked at my wife and shook my head. If she caught me cheating she would probably forgive me but things wouldn’t be the same again. She would be hurt and scarred. Her light for our marriage will go dim and will never stay bright again. That’s one thing about people who forgive. They’ll forgive you but things will never be the same. Linda was a great person. She didn’t deserve a whoring husband so I told my heart, “You already have what you want. Stop chasing a mirage. Settle because we are going to remain here for a long time until death do us part.”

READ ALSO: He Takes A Break From The Relationship Whenever His Things Come

I started withdrawing from Jenny. I didn’t pick up her calls often. Instead of giving her my presence, I gave her my excuses. She complained that things have changed. I told her it wasn’t my fault but my job got demanding all of a sudden and I couldn’t help it. She saw through my excuses and gradually faded from the picture.

She’s not the only one I’ve fallen for since marriage. A fell for a lady who came to do her national service with us. It was so intense I couldn’t sleep. I met a lady at a workshop who had it all. I fell for her too and talked to her even after the workshop. There was one lady I met through my mother. She too got so close I nearly propose.

Things I wish I knew before getting married?

Being married doesn’t stop your heart from falling in love with other people, I knew that but I wish I knew the fight and pain one would have to go through if he decides not to follow his heart once he’s married. It’s not easy to say no to your heart. It’s not easy to see who you want and still say I won’t go for her, especially when you know they are there for the taken. It takes special control and God’s grace to be able to withstand.

Because of what I’ve been through and what I still go through, I don’t judge married people who cheat. I rather am thankful that I have the strength to fight my urges. I pray for them and ask God to give everyone such strength to fight cheating temptations. It’s not easy. Sometimes I ask God why he doesn’t lock our hearts out of love once we exchanged vows. My friend’s answer to this question is, “Because God didn’t give us a whole big heart just to love one person.”

Do You Want Your Ex To Find Someone Better Than You?| Silent Beads

I know his answer is a lie but it makes sense. Our heart is an open gate for love but every gate has a lock. I’ve learned to lock mine because I’m married but once in a while there is a burglary and my heart gets stolen. But I don’t allow it to remain stolen for long. My heart has a compass and it knows its way home.  Temptations are meant to be fought but I wish I knew before marriage that to fight such temptation requires a special kind of strength.

#ThingsIWishIKnewBeforeMarriage

—Kelvin

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG

******