When he asked me about my first experience with sex, I lied. I lied for a good reason. My first experience isn’t something I would like to remember. It’s an experience that destroyed my childhood for me. It’s not something I would like to tell a guy I started dating five months ago. It cuts too deep to just put it out there.

I was thirteen when it happened. Innocent and naive, I followed my cousin to his friend’s place. Little did I know I was being led to the slaughterhouse. My cousin went out and left me at the mercy of his friend. His friend gave me a bottle of Coke. While drinking the Coke, he started being touchy. I pulled away from him only for him to push closer to me.

When I sensed danger, I got up and screamed the name of my cousin. He was nowhere to be found. His friend started struggling with me. He pushed me into the sofa. I fought back. I folded my arms and clenched my hip. He was stronger. He was able to get what he wanted. While I was on the sofa sobbing with his hand covering my mouth, the door flung open. I heard my cousin’s voice.

A new kind of strength entered my body so I started pushing him away so I could tell my cousin that it wasn’t the way it looked like. I was going to thank him for showing up. I was going to tell him how it started but before I could say a word, my cousin said something that nearly took the little breath I had left in me.

He whispered, “Ah, you still haven’t finished? Hurry up and let me do my own. Someone might walk in on us very soon.”

My body gave up the fight. I lay still and motionless while his friend quickly rounded it up for him to take over. I was bleeding but he didn’t care. All he said was, “I hope you’re enjoying it. If you dare mention this to anyone, I’ll make you drink something that will usher you to the other side of the world.”

I was quiet but quivering from hair to toe. He lasted like forever. When I couldn’t get up after they were done, they forced me to my feet and pushed me to walk around. They showed me the bathroom and asked me to stop crying.

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The first thing I did when I got home was to tell my aunt, my cousin’s mother. This woman went berserk and called me a liar. “How can you tell such a despicable lie? If you dare mention it to anyone around here, that would be the end of you.”

When her husband returned from work, I begged him to take me to my parents. I threw myself on the floor, crying and begging. He lifted me up and asked what the problem was. “I want to be with them. There’s no problem.”

A few days later, I was sent back to my parents in the village. I told my mom what happened. She cried. She said, “They have money. Your Dad won’t fight his family and I can’t do it all alone. Let’s leave them in the hands of God.”

Fourteen years later, when I thought I’d moved on and had become a woman, another man wanted to know because we were watching a movie and the question came up. I told him it was my first boyfriend who did it. When he wanted further details, I told him it was too painful and I didn’t want to remember. He laughed and started sharing his first experience.

He said he caught a boy doing it with a girl in the household bathroom. They were kids growing up in the same compound house. They were in their early teens. When he caught them doing it, the boy invited him to do some so he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. He also jumped on top of the girl and did it. That was his first experience.

He narrated the experience with a smirk on his face as if it was the happiest experience he had ever had. My body started shaking uncontrollably. He saw it and asked what was wrong. I told him I was feeling cold and wanted to go home. When he tried to hold me, I raised up my hand and pushed him away. He laughed. “Are you jealous?” He asked with the same smirk on his face. “Jealous of what? You don’t know what you just did.”

I wanted to run away from him. All of a sudden, I saw my cousin in him. I hadn’t been at the same place with my cousin since that event but after he told me his experience, I felt like I had been locked up in the same room with my cousin. I left him and rushed home. He called but I couldn’t answer the phone.

From that day, the colour and texture of our relationship began to change. I loved him and I still do but my body doesn’t want to be at the same place with him. When he tries to touch me, I quiver and move away from his touch. When he calls me, I want to answer but my lips wouldn’t be ready to say anything. The way I see him has changed. I see my cousin in him. I’ve inherited the body of that girl they did that to because I know how it feels to have a boy you trust do that to you.

I’ve forgiven my cousin long ago or so I thought. I didn’t want to dwell on the memory and let it affect any of my relationships. Before David, my current boyfriend, I dated other men I was very nice to. My past didn’t leak into the relationship. I was normal with them but it ended when the relationship ran its course. Now, there’s David, who I’m making him pay for the sins of my cousin. It’s not voluntary. It’s my body that has decided to treat him this way. All of a sudden, it’s like I’m standing out of my body and observing my body fight with David.

He thinks there’s another man in the picture. He believes I don’t love him again but he’s relentless. He’s doing everything to make things work. He was a good guy before this happened. After everything he’s been through and the disrespect I’ve shown him, he still hasn’t changed. He keeps pushing forward to make things work. According to him, I’m worth it. He’s worth the love too so why’s my body doing this to him? He’s become repulsive but the sad thing is, I don’t have control.

They say I should open up to him and pour my heart out to him. I should be frank about my past and accept that he was a young boy when he did what he did. But I doubt that will change anything. I still remember the smirk on his face when he told me his story. As if it wasn’t anything. As if it was a good thing to have happened. Maybe things would have been different if he said it with a remorseful tone.

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I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to go on from here. If things go on the same way it has been for the past month, I know I will lose him. Honestly, I don’t know how I will feel if I lose him. Will my body come back to normal again? Will it be ready to love again without being curious about the new man’s past? I wish I had answers. I wish I could tame my body to be receptive but I guess when the cut is too deep, no amount of years will fill the hollow wounds the cut left in our body.

— Samira

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