I would have had four living children today had it not been for my ex-husband. I have three now, but I lost one when he was barely two weeks old. The baby sustained an injury in my womb due to the barrage of abuse my ex inflicted on me while I was pregnant. They had to operate on the baby while he was eight days old. Unfortunately, he didn’t survive it. This is the most precious thing domestic violence stole from me.

Losing a baby aside, I and my children experienced a lot of trauma because of him. It got to a time when my five-year-old son went to school and told his teacher, “My daddy is trying to chook (stab) my mummy with a knife. She is running. She is not wearing anything” And he wasn’t lying. My ex would chase me around with a knife threatening to kill me. He swore he would end my life.

He had this uncontrollable anger that felt like a demon possession. I was in constant fear of him. I couldn’t talk to him without my lips quivering. I wouldn’t know what I would say that would land me an unexpected slap. I couldn’t even sleep in the same room with him. I was in a marriage that had me walking on eggshells. Every day I woke up I wondered, “Is this the day this man will kill me?”

If I tried to leave him he would laugh, “Do you think you can leave me? Where do you have to go? Who will want you? I am the only man for you.” Sometimes I believed him. Sometimes I knew I deserved better. I remember one time I told him, no, I begged him; “Please, your anger controls you. I don’t want to die and leave my children motherless. Let’s go our separate ways.” That day, I almost saw God. He didn’t just beat me, he battered me. When I regained my consciousness I knew I had barely escaped death. Not to be dramatic but I saw my life flash before my eyes, and everything I had to lose came into focus.

After that incident, I didn’t need anyone to tell me, “Madam, run!” I told myself, “Even if nobody loves me, Jesus loves me. So I will leave this hell to live for my children and for Jesus.” He thought he had beaten the fear of leaving him into my body so he relaxed. I also didn’t act like I had somewhere to go. I played the doting wife. I nodded and said okay to everything he said. The entire time I was plotting my exit.

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When everything was set for me to move, I didn’t breathe a word to him. One day he returned home to find an empty house. I was gone with the kids. He couldn’t believe it. He just didn’t think I would actually leave him. I used to show him so much love. That was what he was counting on. That I loved him too much to ever walk away. What he didn’t know was that every time he raised his hands at me, I loved him a little less. So by the time I left, my love for him was completely depleted.

He came after me, begging me to take him back. He said he would change. “I am sorry for everything. I promise I will do better if you take me back.” I looked at him and shook my head, “I was married to you for many years but not once did you change. I never even enjoyed the honeymoon phase of the marriage. Exactly one month after marriage, you hit me out of anger. When I reported you to your family, your sister said that is who you are.

“And that all your girlfriends left you because of how you abused them. But when it got to my turn, you were different. They all thought you had changed, not knowing that you intentionally hid it from me so I would marry you. Now that I have experienced who you are, do you think I will agree to be with you again? Never! Leave me alone.” He cried. He grovelled. He brought people to talk to me. Through it all, I thought about my peace of mind, my physical health, and the lives of my children. I knew I had so much to live for and returning to that marriage would be the death of me. So I stood my ground and refused to take him back.

It took me too long to leave that death trap of a marriage, but I am glad I finally did. I thank God for my life and the lives of my children life. It’s my prayer that I experience true love someday. I know it’s going to be a long road raising my three children as a single mother but I trust God see me through.

—Afia

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