Shortly after I got married last year, I conceived. It wasn’t one of those cases where we tried several times before it happened. It just happened when we started trying. The beginning of the pregnancy was uneventful. However, it got to a point where I experienced what they call, “threatening abortion.” I bled for a few weeks but eventually it stopped.

After the bleeding stopped, I started getting sick. I couldn’t even keep down water. Everything that went into my body came back out. So I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. It was when I got to the third trimester that I started feeling better. The baby was due for next month so I thought I crossed all the difficult parts of the pregnancy journey.

Somewhere last month I went to a regular antenatal clinic. After running all the routine tests, they stated that my protein level and my blood pressure level were high. I didn’t feel sick or weak but the hospital made quite a big deal out of the test results. They said it was called preeclampsia.

“If we don’t do an emergency C.S right now, you and the baby will lose your life,” said one of the doctors. My husband was not around so I wasn’t sure about going ahead with the surgery. By then the pregnancy was only thirty-three weeks and six days old. It wasn’t time at all for delivery. My husband’s sister was at the hospital with me while the doctors were doing their best to get me to sign the consent form for surgery.

I asked the doctors, “Don’t I have to wait for my husband to sign the form?” They told me, “First of all, we cannot waste time if we want to save you and the baby’s life. Secondly, you can sign the form without your husband.” I could feel the baby kicking healthily so I was sure that everything was fine. I also didn’t feel right about the surgery.

However, this was a medical emergency and I am not a medical expert. So I shoved my feelings aside and gave the doctors consent to do their work. They assured me that everything was going to be alright and I held on to that assurance. The surgery was done and the baby was kept in an incubator while I stayed at the ward to recover.

The next morning I went to the NICU to see the baby. She was so little in there. When I saw her I prayed, sang for her, kissed her, and told her to be brave for me. Then I went back to my ward. We were there when the doctor came to call my husband. He looked very concerned. “Doctor, is everything okay?” I asked but no one answered me.

After my husband left, I also followed them. I got there and saw my baby shaking in the incubator. They said they were going to refer the baby to the Ridge Hospital. They took her there that night but I couldn’t go with them. My Blood pressure kept increasing so no one was willing to give me any news on the baby.

It was after two days passed that my husband told me, “We took the baby to the Ridge hospital but she died that night. Me and my family have buried her already. Because of your health, we couldn’t tell you.” To say that I was inconsolable was an understatement. We are Muslims so I understand my husband and his family’s need to hurry on with the burial.

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It’s been two weeks since that tragic event happened and I am consumed with guilt. I feel it was all my fault. If I had listened to my instincts and not consented to the surgery, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. I can’t forgive myself. My husband is angry with me as well. He also blames me for what happened. He is saying that if I had waited for him to come before signing the form, we could have avoided the surgery altogether.

Now, I carry the weight of my own guilt. And the weight of the guilt my husband has bestowed upon me. I regret my decision to even go to antenatal that day. My heart is so heavy that I am losing my mind. If indeed, I am the cause of my baby’s death, will Allah forgive me? I have started looking into ways I can end my life, so I can put myself out of this misery. Anything is better than this unending pain I am feeling.

It doesn’t help matters that the people around me all think that it is my fault. Unlike my husband, they haven’t said it to my face but I can feel it in the way they look at me and the way they treat me. Please, I need some answers. Were the doctors right when they said I and the baby could die if we didn’t have the surgery? Or is my husband right with his accusations? If my husband is right, will Allah forgive me for making such a mistake? I can feel my sanity slipping away with each passing day.

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—Barikisu

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