Shortly after I got married last year, I conceived. It wasn’t one of those cases where we tried several times before it happened. It just happened when we started trying. The beginning of the pregnancy was uneventful. However, it got to a point where I experienced what they call, “threatening abortion.” I bled for a few weeks but eventually it stopped.
After the bleeding stopped, I started getting sick. I couldn’t even keep down water. Everything that went into my body came back out. So I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. It was when I got to the third trimester that I started feeling better. The baby was due for next month so I thought I crossed all the difficult parts of the pregnancy journey.
Somewhere last month I went to a regular antenatal clinic. After running all the routine tests, they stated that my protein level and my blood pressure level were high. I didn’t feel sick or weak but the hospital made quite a big deal out of the test results. They said it was called preeclampsia.
“If we don’t do an emergency C.S right now, you and the baby will lose your life,” said one of the doctors. My husband was not around so I wasn’t sure about going ahead with the surgery. By then the pregnancy was only thirty-three weeks and six days old. It wasn’t time at all for delivery. My husband’s sister was at the hospital with me while the doctors were doing their best to get me to sign the consent form for surgery.
I asked the doctors, “Don’t I have to wait for my husband to sign the form?” They told me, “First of all, we cannot waste time if we want to save you and the baby’s life. Secondly, you can sign the form without your husband.” I could feel the baby kicking healthily so I was sure that everything was fine. I also didn’t feel right about the surgery.
However, this was a medical emergency and I am not a medical expert. So I shoved my feelings aside and gave the doctors consent to do their work. They assured me that everything was going to be alright and I held on to that assurance. The surgery was done and the baby was kept in an incubator while I stayed at the ward to recover.
The next morning I went to the NICU to see the baby. She was so little in there. When I saw her I prayed, sang for her, kissed her, and told her to be brave for me. Then I went back to my ward. We were there when the doctor came to call my husband. He looked very concerned. “Doctor, is everything okay?” I asked but no one answered me.
After my husband left, I also followed them. I got there and saw my baby shaking in the incubator. They said they were going to refer the baby to the Ridge Hospital. They took her there that night but I couldn’t go with them. My Blood pressure kept increasing so no one was willing to give me any news on the baby.
It was after two days passed that my husband told me, “We took the baby to the Ridge hospital but she died that night. Me and my family have buried her already. Because of your health, we couldn’t tell you.” To say that I was inconsolable was an understatement. We are Muslims so I understand my husband and his family’s need to hurry on with the burial.
It’s been two weeks since that tragic event happened and I am consumed with guilt. I feel it was all my fault. If I had listened to my instincts and not consented to the surgery, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. I can’t forgive myself. My husband is angry with me as well. He also blames me for what happened. He is saying that if I had waited for him to come before signing the form, we could have avoided the surgery altogether.
To open your mouth to say I love you, Is kind of weird
Now, I carry the weight of my own guilt. And the weight of the guilt my husband has bestowed upon me. I regret my decision to even go to antenatal that day. My heart is so heavy that I am losing my mind. If indeed, I am the cause of my baby’s death, will Allah forgive me? I have started looking into ways I can end my life, so I can put myself out of this misery. Anything is better than this unending pain I am feeling.
It doesn’t help matters that the people around me all think that it is my fault. Unlike my husband, they haven’t said it to my face but I can feel it in the way they look at me and the way they treat me. Please, I need some answers. Were the doctors right when they said I and the baby could die if we didn’t have the surgery? Or is my husband right with his accusations? If my husband is right, will Allah forgive me for making such a mistake? I can feel my sanity slipping away with each passing day.
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—Barikisu
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Barikisu,hmmm I have to change how I wnted to start my comments
Please if you can read,google preeclampsia and read about it
You were sooo lucky and be thankful to the doctors,you and the baby would have just lost your lives.
Your husband isn’t being considerate at all,is he aware your could have also lost your life if the doctors had not done what they did.
At least they have given you heads up about your pregnant journey next time.
Babies in incubators some make it whilst others don’t
Please stop beating yourself,you made a very right decision. Just as you conceived earlier you will do same very soon
You have to let this go to allow your body conceive again
My sister God forgives , he will not hold it against you. As for your husband he has no right to blame you. With the pre-eclampsia condition if they didn’t operate on you ,you would have lost your life along with your child. Always remember everything happens for a reason. I am sure that she has turned into a little angel in heaven. Don’t forget to pray and off load all your worries on God for he alone cares and can give you peace. What happened was beyond your control. Learn to forgive yourself so that you can start things a new. As for child birth you can try again. You having your blood pressure was a proof that all the doctors said were right. You killing yourself will lead to face the wrath of God. Hold on never give up. The moment you have suicidal thoughts take your quran and read , if it does not help you can also get someone’s bible to read. Don’t forget to seek therapy it will help too.
My dear, your husband has no right to blame you cos it was an obstetrics emergency of which you could have lost your life together with the baby. So I’ll say you took a right decision cos this condition causes high mortality in maternal unit. Accept my condolences and stay safe and never choose suicide as an option
My dear, please do not blame yourself at all. Rather thank God for sparing your life that day. Be rest assured that you are not responsible for the death of your baby. Pre-eclampsia or imminent Eclampsia is a dangerous complication of pregnancy, especially with hypertension. Could be gradual, or sudden. The doctor gave you the best advice they could, because not doing the surgery MAY cost you your life as well as the baby’s. God knows best and He will wipe your tears with a double dose of what you lost.
Your mental health is paramount here as well and I think the current circumstances at home may lead to post partum depression, which is equally dangerous. It’s so unfortunate that everyone is blaming you. Get psychological help, I mean counseling, or go spend time with your own family for a while. Your husband also needs counseling as well because he is an important part of your healing.
Praying for strength for you.
My dear, the doctors took the best decision to save your life, just last week, a third year knust student died from similar situation (preeclampsia)
I also know a friend who died from the same condition ryt after birth, although the baby survive. It’s deadly condition.
your husband is not in his good stand to console you, you really need a counselor in this regard.
It is not easy to be a woman oo, I really value women bcos they are easily vulnerable especially during pregnancy.
I’ve heard several women who have died from pregnancy complications.
We thank God you’re alive, consult a counselor, start over again and let Allah be your guide
If I had my way, I would have given your husband to thr military to hive him 100 lashes every morning. You’re the worst affected here; your body was cut, you lost the baby and you’re recovering from the surgery aside all the emotional and psychological trauma. And He thinks the best option is to blame you? Did you strangle the baby with your hands? He’s so immature. Please don’t kill yourself. You I’d nothing wrong. You’re going to make more babies. Everyone on this platform is solidly behind you.
Take your life you said ???? Why . Don’t you believe Allah can give another baby. What if you went home and still lost the baby or your life? Dear its fine to feel sad but please and please don’t take your life. We all here love and cherish you… sending you lots of love and hugs….
Instead of focusing on yourself, you are here thinking of people who don’t think about your welfare, please, self love first. Don’t you ever entertain the thought of sucide. We serve a forgiving God, He loves us more than we can imagine, and He understands everything and every situation. Resists the devil in this most difficult period of your life and keep thanking God for yourself and your baby. But still pray for the gentle soul of the baby. It is well dear.