I was that girl who could find a man today and lose him tomorrow. Not that I treated them badly. I fell in deep and did whatever it took to keep them but in the end, they left. To date, I still don’t know why Albert left me. He didn’t say anything to me. He just stopped picking my calls and stopped visiting me. I went to his house to see him. I was told he was not there. I knew he was inside his room, but the guy I met in the house told me he had gone out since morning. Some years ago when I asked him what happened, he said, “Nothing.” 

James too came along with lofty promises of making my life better. He even told me I’m the air he breathed. Not that I believed that lie but looking at how desperate he was to have me as his girlfriend, I decided to give him a chance. Three months later, he changed. He treated me like I didn’t matter. When I visited him, he would be on his phone chatting and laughing while I sat there lonely and uncared for. When I asked him who he was talking to the other time he screamed at me; “Who I’m talking to isn’t your concern. I can’t talk to people because you’re my girlfriend?” That’s how that relationship ended after just five months.

Felix came along. That guy, I don’t even know if I should count him as one of my exes. He pursued me for two months and when I finally gave him a chance, kissed him, and had sex with him, he vanished. I think that relationship didn’t last for a month. He started using his job as an excuse as if he didn’t have a job when he was pursuing me. All these emotional trips up and down got me tired, frustrated, and weak. When Felix disappeared I told myself, “Enough is enough. I’m done loving and I’m done falling for fools.” So I hung my heart on my wall like a retired footballer would hang his boot. I walked around heartless—incapable of loving the next guy.

“Or it’s because I give these men sex early that’s why they leave and never come back?” I thought. “Or there’s something wrong with me spiritually? Or they see something wrong with me and don’t say it and instead walk away?” When you don’t know why things happen in your life, your mind manufactures a lot of whys to fill that void. 

Kingsley started getting closer to me somewhere along the line. I knew what he had come for but I pretended I didn’t see him. He’s a guy I met when the youth fellowship of our church had a joint retreat with another branch of our church. It was a three-day program and this guy stuck with me throughout the program. A week later he proposed. I said I wasn’t interested. We kept being friends. Months later, he brought the topic again and my answer was the same. We kept talking nonetheless. And then he came back again with the proposal. This time he wanted answers. “Why don’t you like me? I don’t fit into your specs? You already have a boyfriend?” I said, “I’m not ready to love again. Those I loved didn’t bring anything good into my life. I’m a retired lover.”

“I’m not those guys. I’m different.”

“Albert said the same thing. James said the same thing too but they ended up like two peas in a pod.”

“Trust me, I’m different.”

“You’re different, yes. It only means you’ll end up hurting me differently.”

“Ok, let’s do it on your terms. What are your terms? If I flout any one of your terms, you’re free to leave.”

The first thing that came to mind was, “No sex until marriage. Can you?” He asked, “Is that all?” I said, “Thats’ my only fear.” He asked, “Are you a virgin?” Before I could think about the question, I had already said yes. “Yes, I haven’t done it before and I don’t want to engage in it before marriage. I’m saving it all for the best man.” He said, “No problem.” I said, “No problem? Can you?” He said, “I don’t have a problem. Just so you know my intention towards you is pure.”

We started dating. I waited patiently for the time everything would change—for the time when he would start giving me excuses that would bring an end to the relationship. Two months…four months..seven months…twelve months later, Kingsley started talking about marriage. we’ve had a solid good year of incessant love and care. All my life, I haven’t been loved for a whole year. The longest I had was for a semester but Kingsley hit the right notes each day and got deep into my heart with the right gestures. The first kiss we had, I initiated it. He was shocked. That day, I was going further and further with the moves until the little voice in my head said, “Have you forgotten you’re a virgin?” I withdrew immediately.

I was happy with the marriage discussions. He was so eager about it but knowing I had told him a lie kept pricking my conscience. Would he love me still if he gets to know that I wasn’t who I said I was? So I told him, “I’m happy for how far we’ve come. You’ve been honest with your love and I appreciate that very much. But there are so many things we need to talk about before we take the final steps.” He said, “Eiii madam policies. Everywhere we go, you bring policies. What is it this time?” I said, nothing much but don’t you think we have to plan our future before we get there?”

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Three days before the knocking, I got scared. I called him, “Are you marrying me because I said I was a virgin?” He asked, “Why this question?” I said, “It just came to mind. Nothing.” He answered, “Not that. You fit the specs plus you’ve been a good human. Very supportive. So, yeah, it’s about all those things.” I asked, “So you mean you wouldn’t be disappointed if I wasn’t as green as I made you believe?” He asked, “Are you telling me that you’re not?” I said, “I’m not! I lied.” He said, “We’ll talk tomorrow.” I said, “Why tomorrow, let’s…” He dropped the line.

I sent him messages. I called back, he didn’t pick. I sent him messages, pleading with him to pick my calls, he didn’t respond. “Eiiish, what’s happening to me? I got a good man finally and I’ve succeeded in destroying things with my own hands?” Early the next morning I was in his house. He asked, “What else have you been hiding from me?” I said, “Nothing. Even this one I didn’t mean to hide. When I met you I didn’t think you were serious about me. I thought you only wanted my body just like my exes so I used that as security. Please forgive me.” He didn’t say a word afterward. I got worried. I kept pleading with him to say something. He said, “We’ll talk later.”

The next day I called, he didn’t say anything. I asked him, “Should I cancel the knocking?” He asked, “Why would you?”

We’ve been married for two years now and our first child is ten months old. The last time we were reminiscing on our beginning, he said something like…” That day when you kissed me and your hand started going places, I knew you were not green. I was only giving you the benefit of the doubt.” 

—Lynn