I had a boyfriend before Arnold came into my life. I saw him coming and I tried to pull away but every inch I moved away, he moved two inches closer. I gave him my number. We talked. He said he wanted to be a friend. I gave him the green light to be a friend but as time went on, I realized he wanted to be more than friends.

It showed in the way he talked to me, how often he called and how late he stayed on the phone with me. I made it obvious I had a boyfriend but it didn’t stop him until one night he said the words; “I want to be more than friends with you. How about we start something and see how it goes.”

I liked him as a person. He was jovial, sweet and kind. He went into my mind and found what I needed and gave it to me even before I asked. He was everything I needed in a man but unfortunately, I had to say no because I had Alex in my life, a man I’d dated for a year.

When I said no, he made me feel like I was making the greatest mistake of my life. He talked about us highly. He talked about his dream for us. He talked about the future which he said was just around the corner and concluded, “Don’t date a man just because he’s your boyfriend. Think about the future and see where you find yourself with him.”

Every word that came out of his mouth was dipped in honey but I said no and insisted my boyfriend had loved me deeply enough for me to know what we had was real. To make a statement to prove I wasn’t considering him, I stopped talking to him as often as he wanted me to. I didn’t respond to his texts and blocked him from viewing my status.

The mind has a way of holding on to things you want to let go. The heart plays a part in this endeavour. While the mind thinks it, the heart gives the thought a place to stay for good, hoping one day you’ll look into that place and go for what you had always wanted to let go. I loved Alex. I really did but I couldn’t forget the words of Arnold. Whenever I was in doubt, whenever Alex hurt my feelings, the words of Arnold opened its arms and kept me in its embrace: “Think about the future and see where you find yourself with him.”

These words played out in my mind over and over again and it made me see the life I had with Alex differently. Even his best intentions got misinterpreted. His best action was passed through an unfavourable filter so I could judge him. I loved him but Arnold got a hold on me with his words. Arnold gave me an option, something I didn’t need until he came along.

One day we had a fight. Me and Alex. I apologized but he was so angry he started shaking and shouting at me. I got scared and started leaving. He chased after me, asking me to stop but in my mind, I thought he was chasing to hit me. When I got home, I thought about my future and saw where I found myself with him. I didn’t like it. I branded him as a man with anger issues and an abuser.

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He called when he was sober. I told him it was over. “You chase after me to beat me? What was that? What did I do to deserve that chase? Did I steal from you?”

He said I was exaggerating but in my mind, I was auditioning for the role of an ex in his life. I was ending it and if it had to end, it had to end with a drama. He apologized. He sent people to beg on his behalf. He sent a long message telling me it would never happen again but while he was busy trying to get me back, I was busy giggling in the web of Arnold. His words turned me into a believer so I went into his shrine to worship with him.

Alex ended at the point where Arnold began.

Arnold picked up right from the point where he started, being jovial, sweet and kind. We didn’t rest on weekends. From one party to another party, meeting friends, shaking hands and hugging who ought to be hugged. Then he took me home. It took Alex six months to take me home but with Arnold, just a month. His dad took crazy interest in me while his mom was fond of calling me often and giving me words of advice. He’s the only child so his parents were pushing him to marry as soon as possible.

Three months later, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. From there, he didn’t ask for my opinion again. He would call me and give me the date and where we would be and what we would wear. I didn’t have a say. If I told him I had to be somewhere else with friends or family, he would shout at me, “Are those people more important than me? What role do they play in your life that you would choose them over me?”

One day it was my dad. I had to take him to meet my uncle, his elder brother. A day before the trip Arnold called: “Call your dad and tell him know you have to be somewhere else. He can go alone or go with any of your siblings so we can also go somewhere.”

When I protested he asked me, “What has your dad done for you lately that you’ll choose him over me? Where we are going is important to our marriage so why choose a family visit over that?”

Before I could say Jack, he had called my dad to cancel the plans on my behalf. When my dad called he said, “Talk to your boyfriend. He doesn’t know how to talk to elders. If that was how he was trained, then he has a long way to go.”

From the way my dad talked, I could feel the hurt vibrating in his voice. I called Arnold and asked what he told my father but he had the audacity to carry his weight around. I have fire in my belly too so that day it turned to fire for fire. I chose to go with my dad, a decision that infuriated him to the extent he texted me not to call him again.

On the trip to my uncle’s place my dad spoke to me; “Think about the marriage again. I’m not saying don’t marry him but I’m saying think about it again and critically look into the future and see if he’s the right man for you.”

I didn’t call Arnold because he told me not to. Three days later, we hadn’t talked but I had thought critically about our relationship just like my dad asked me to. I decided enough was enough. The very day I decided to walk away, he called screaming on the phone as if I had stolen his family’s priced jewel. “You’ve grown wings so you don’t know how to say sorry. You have no humility left in you. I don’t know why I want to marry a woman like you.”

He ranted for what seemed like an eternity. When he was done I said, “I didn’t call because I wasn’t coming again. I’m done accepting your BS. You took it to my dad. Who next? My mom? My family?”

He cut the call and the next thing I knew his parents were calling me. Humpty Dumpty had already fallen. The kings and queens got to the accident scene very late. There was no way they could put Humpty Dumpty together again.

His last words over the grave of our relationship were, “You were not worth it. I should have known the day you left your boyfriend for me.”

Alex wasn’t a bad man. I left him only to run into the real bad man. Nothing hurt more than Arnold’s last words. He used words to sneak into my life. He used the same words to get out of it but this time, leaving me with the pain of my past. I didn’t think of Alex that much until he mentioned him. I started missing him so I called him. Come and see how happy he was to hear my voice.

I said sorry. He asked for what? I answered, “I lied my way out of the relationship. Forgive me.” He laughed at me. He said, “It’s been a year already so why now?” I didn’t say much but he got it.

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I’m single and miss him all the time because he’s the best thing that happened to me when it comes to my love life. He’s also single. The woman he went in for after me didn’t work out. He wasn’t completely healed so he bled on her until she left the relationship. We are both single. We met one day and had sex but it felt like just sex. Nothing special.  We’ve come to the conclusion that we’ll never date because our past wouldn’t make it easy for us to trust each other. That’s ok. I had my chance. I blew it.

— Anabel

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