I don’t know how to love small. I am either loving someone with every fiber of my being or I am not loving them at all. Because of this, it takes me a long time to get over someone. Even when the relationship ends, I would carry them in my heart for so long that it becomes so hard for me to move on. That’s why I guard my heart carefully.

However, I have learned that you can take your time falling in love and still end up in a pile of mess. That’s what happened to me. I was so sure that I knew Zeke before I agreed to give him a chance.

I know you can’t know someone too well but the parts of him I saw were enough for me to fall head over heels in love with him. We were always together. Everything felt beautiful and magical. He made me so happy.

It never even crossed my mind that he would do anything to hurt me.

Then I found out three months into the relationship that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. They were still in touch. They talked as though they were still lovers. I was so hurt.

I confronted this guy and he told me, “We only talk. There’s nothing else between us.” As if that was supposed to make it better. Especially when I knew the breakup was not his choice.

According to what he told me, the lady cheated on him. “I was so angry when I found out that I couldn’t control myself. I slapped her without thinking about it first,” he said. Of course, he regretted his actions immediately. He apologized but she was too upset about it to let it go. They broke up.

This is why I was hurt when I found out he was still talking to her. It only meant he was still in love with her. How could he love her and still have room in his heart to love me? So I broke up with him.

At the time, we had closed school for the semester. I thought that distancing myself from him would help me heal. But during those two months of being apart, he reached out and apologized. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know that. I should have told you I was still in touch with her. Sorry.”

I didn’t want to indulge him at first but he was persistent. He even asked me, “What can I do to make things better between us?” This gave me the impression he was genuinely sorry. So I forgave him.

I convinced myself that maybe he was ready to put her behind him and that giving our relationship another chance wouldn’t be a bad idea. But when school resumed, reality hit me hard. I found out he had never stopped communicating with her. They were always seen together. And while he visited her frequently, he only visited me once.

I was shattered. I thought we were in a good place but it became clear that his heart was still with her.

Just like before, I confronted him about it. This time around he responded, “You told me we’re no longer dating, so I don’t owe you any explanation. But if it matters to you, then know that we only talk. We are just friends for now.” The “for now” part stung because it told me he wasn’t even trying to move on from her.

The fact that he still loved her was killing me, but I didn’t have the courage to let go completely. Our communication dwindled from daily conversations to short, weekly check-ins. I never initiated the texts. He did. Sometimes, he would just say he was checking on me or share something random about his life.

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I tried to cut him off entirely. At times, I’d stop responding to his messages, but he would persist until I caved. This cycle happened three times last year. Each time, I’d eventually respond, only to feel the same heartbreak all over again.

The saddest part of all this is realizing that he’s just like me when it comes to love. It’s been over a year since his breakup with her, yet he’s still very much in love with her—just like I’m still in love with him.

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But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I just want peace. I want to focus on myself and explore other parts of my life. Right now, I don’t even feel like dating again. Maybe someday, but not now.

I want to let go of this guy. It’s been ten months since I ended things with him, yet deep down, I still hope he will return to me. Although I remind myself daily that he doesn’t love me the way I deserve, I ache when I think about everything we didn’t get to do together. What can I do to heal and move on from him without looking back? I need all the help I can get.

— Ayo

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