We used to be friends in the university but life threw us in different directions after we completed school. I barely thought of him as the years went by. Then I met him at my great-aunt’s funeral. Small world, huh? It was so good to see him. He had grown into his body and was looking every inch a man. I could tell from the way he looked at me and the smile he wore that he was impressed with the way I looked too.
Three days after our meeting, he called me. We talked for hours, reminiscing about our time in school. It was filled with nostalgia, and my heart swelled in my chest as his voice caressed my ears. We had known each other for a long time so it didn’t take much to reignite the connection. I had to text him every day and talk to him every night before I sleep. Spending time with him always left me feeling wanted. It is nice to know that someone wants you in their space.
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t lose a night’s sleep over it. What was there to think about? I knew him and liked him. So I just said yes. The next thing he asked was, “When can I come home and meet your parents?” I smiled, thinking he was joking. But he wasn’t. He had a sober look when he said, “I also want you to meet my family as soon as possible. So let me know when you are ready.”
I felt things were moving very fast but it also made me happy that I had finally met someone who was serious about me. “If he didn’t want a future with me, he wouldn’t want to involve our families in our relationship.” I thought. To finally cement my faith in our love, he gave me a spare key to his apartment. Tell me, wouldn’t you think a man was serious about you if he did this?
All was well with our relationship but all was not rosy. However, we were able to work through the hiccups that came along. I was sure that the kind of bond we shared was strong enough to keep us through our differences. But I noticed that as time went on, our fights got worse. No matter how hard I tried to be the bigger person and keep the peace, his anger issues got in the way.
It got to a time when I could no longer see the good in him. All I focused on was how angry and aggressive he always seemed. We would be having an argument and he would yell at me, “I am a man. Why can’t you be submissive to me?” By that, he meant I shouldn’t have a mind of my own. He wants me to bend, bow, and break at his command. I am also not the kind of woman who would hand over my power to a man, just because we are in love.
The more time we spent together, the more we fought. I hated it. I figured that if I changed a little, things would change too. So I started focusing on the positives. I told myself, “Maybe if I stop being so hard on him and just enjoy the good, things wouldn’t be so bad.” So I took my mind off his anger issues and focused on the happy moments we shared.
I must admit, ever since I changed my thoughts, we had less disagreements. We got to a good place again. We then proceeded and met each other’s parents. Everything was fine until it was not.
One day I called him while he was at work and he picked up. This was not the first time, I called him at work so I expected to be greeted warmly. That was not what happened. He was cold and hostile toward me. He answered all my questions with single-syllable words – yes, no, okay. Even the ones that required him to use full sentences. When I realized his energy was off, I just assumed he was having one of those days.
In the evening, I called again to check up on him. He was still the same. I would calmly ask a question and he would respond harshly. I felt he was trying to pick a fight with me so I didn’t allow his behaviour to ruffle my feathers. Out of nowhere, this guy said, “I want my key back. Bring it to me as soon as possible.” I asked him, “Why do you need it back?” He retorted, “I don’t need to explain myself to you. The key is mine. And I want it back. That’s all.”
His attitude toward me just changed completely. This was not the guy I fell in love with. He started talking to me anyhow and raising his voice at me for no reason. I asked him if he was okay, and he told me he was fine. “Did I do anything to offend you?” I asked him. He said no, but his behaviour screamed the exact opposite. Whatever the problem was, he refused to tell me.
He didn’t even want to accept that he had changed. I started feeling like a crazy person who was seeing problems where there were none. I remember sending him a love message. He found fault with it. So I asked him, “What did you find in the message that bothered you so much? All I was trying to do was express my love for you.” His response was, “Since when did I start running commentary on the messages that you send me?” I just couldn’t do anything right in his eyes.
When he realized that all his attempts at frustrating me weren’t working, he got upset and asked for a break-up. I dreaded that our relationship would get to that point but it happened. I hoped he was joking but I didn’t hear from him for four days. So I decided to go to his house and return his key. I also hoped I could get him to change his mind about the breakup.
Although I was heartbroken, I wore a big smile on my face when I got there. The moment he saw me, all his hostility wore off. We started talking as if nothing had happened. All of a sudden, this guy said he wanted shuperu. I quickly turned him down. “Why would you ask me for something we agreed not to do again until we are married? We said we will do things God’s way, remember?” That didn’t go down well with him.
He said with a stern voice, “It doesn’t matter what we discussed. I want to do it right now.”
“If you want to do it and I don’t want to do it, you should let it go,” I said.
“Since when is it your choice on when we should do shuperu?” His entitlement really put me off. So I suggested we do something else and just enjoy each other’s company. But he didn’t want to let it go. He asked, “Since when do you choose when and how we should be intimate?” I was running out of patience at this point but I calmly answered, “It is my body. The fact that you want it, doesn’t mean I should give it to you.” To my surprise, he got angry and decided not to talk to me.
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I asked him why he wouldn’t talk to me and he said, “Just because you want to talk to me doesn’t mean I should talk to you.” It was at that very moment that I decided to walk away from him. I just knew that I could not spend the rest of my life with someone like him. A man who gets angry over little things and even gets angry about shuperu is not someone I want. Right there, I gave him his key, said goodbye and walked out of his life.
My problem now is that my mother thinks I’m overreacting. She says relationships are hard and require a lot of work. She believes that I’m giving up easily. I, on the other hand, am looking at his anger issues. I’m afraid one day he may beat me so I have to run for my life. Am I wrong for walking away and not giving him a chance? Is my mother right?
—BB
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#SB
My dear you are right. He is an abusive person. He might not necessarily hit you but the lack of respect and his anger alone is worse than beating. Choose your peace over love filled with chaos. God gave us sense to use. As for your mother de3 she wants you to marry him because he has not hit you. My dear don’t let someone tell you how to live your life not even your mom but give her the due respect because you’re the only one who knows how intense the fire that burnt you was. Don’t forget to seek the face of God in all you do. Run away as fast as you can. Don’t even think of taking him back. A leopard never changes it’s spots.
Please, do all you can to run away from this toxic man! You’d die before your due time if you married this guy!!!!
A man who speaks like this will kill your self-esteem – a complete psychopath!!!
Your concerns about his anger issues and the potential for escalation are valid reasons to reevaluate the relationship. It’s important to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship, but if your partner is not willing to discuss issues or resorts to aggression, it raises serious red flags.
Listen to your mum
This is a frivolous issue
it doesn’t have weigh to collapse a good relationship
Ask the good marriages out there and they will tell you
they always bend for the sake of the union.
Being rigid wont take you anywhere
Listen to your mother
It’s commendable that you prioritize your safety and well-being. Walking away from a relationship where you feel uncomfortable, especially when faced with potential signs of anger issues, is a valid decision. Trusting your instincts is crucial, and it’s essential to prioritize your emotional and physical health.
Pay no attention to Hectare and your mother okay??? Listen to Maame Efua and Medofo instead
Your mother’s perspective may come from a place of wanting you to work through challenges in a relationship, which is understandable. However, there are certain behaviors, such as anger issues and disrespecting boundaries, that should not be overlooked. Your safety and well-being should always be a top priority.
Remove your footwear, bend or kneel down, pick your footwear up and RUUUUNNNNN!!!!!! Don’t look back! Na clap dance don take start (ask a Nigerian to interpret for you). Don’t let it get to the hitting stage and you are never overreacting. You see that smile you smiled when you went there to hand over the keys? It was your body’s way of telling you, we are at peace! We are home! We can finally breathe! Don’t deprive yourself of this moment. The right man will come. He’ll love you, the way you want and need. Your bf won’t change unless the Holy Spirit intervenes. Please my dear, for your own sanity, come and be going!