Before I met him I had been single for two years. It took over a year for me to get over my last boyfriend. When I finally did, I vowed two things to myself. The first one was that I would never allow my ego to come between my feelings for the next person I would fall in love with. The second vow was that I would attain a certain level of financial independence before dating again. That is why it took me two years for me to pay attention to anyone in a romantic way.

When I finally met Mensah, I still was not ready to commit to a relationship. However, I was open to getting to know someone and exploring how things could go. So when we started talking I told him, “I am not ready for a relationship yet but we can be friends.” He didn’t ask me further questions about the subject, and I also did not go into detail about my reasons. We just went with the flow and enjoyed each other’s company. Although what we had was not an official relationship, we shared everything couples did. We went through our honeymoon phase, and it was amazing.

We would speak for hours on the phone and text each other all day, every day. We always cooked together when I visited him. We would share jokes and laugh till our tummies hurt. We shared stories from our past and discussed our plans for the future. When it came to intimacy, he always left me breathless. I have never met a man with his kind of Stamina. Every moment I spent with him is etched on the walls of my memories. I couldn’t forget them even if I hit my head and got amnesia.

To cut matters short, the unexpected happened before I could prevent it. I fell in love with him. I fell so hard that I couldn’t just shake it off. “This is a disaster,” I tried to explain to my poor silly heart. I did not want to love Mensah. It was just supposed to be casual fun until I am able to attain the financial freedom I want. There was also the question, “Has he fallen in love with me too? Or I am the only one hanging here with my heart?” There was only one way to find out.

I had to tell him. The way I felt about him was not something I could contain. So one day when we were together I blurted out, “I love you.” He was stunned into silence for about a minute. And when he finally opened his mouth he said, “Wow!” I don’t remember exactly what he said after that but it was not a confession that he loved me too. I should have ended whatever we were doing there and then but I couldn’t. I stayed with him and continued where we left off. Deep down I hoped that someday he would fall in love with me too.

We were doing well, I would say, until he started ignoring my calls out of the blue. He stopped calling me as often as he used to. He only replied to my texts hours after I had sent them. We talked about it but nothing changed. When I tried to complain he asked me, “Are we not just friends? So why are you demanding I call and text you regularly?” I was hurt but I didn’t have the courage to walk away from him. So I stayed till things got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. That was when I put a distance between us.

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The pain I felt when I left was so intense. It felt like the heartbreak I experienced with my ex-boyfriend. I was an absolute mess. I guess that’s why I run back into his arms when he came to tell me he missed me. The rational part of me screamed, “No! This Mensah guy is bad for us,” but my heart was in charge.

Everything was perfect again after we got back together. We were back to talking for hours about our fears, worries, and plans for the future. We celebrated our wins and enjoyed good sex. However, this did not last. It became too obvious that he didn’t care for me as much as I cared for him. He would tell me about an issue bothering him and I’d check up on him till he confirmed he was fine. I would tell him about something bothering me and he would brush it aside with the phrase, “It is well.” I always remembered things he told me, no matter how trivial they were. He on the other hand never remembered anything I told him. I didn’t need an oracle to tell me that I was not on his list of top 100 priorities.

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The last time I called him, he said something that gave me the push I needed to end whatever we had going on and move on with my life. He told me about a girl who liked him. This is something we usually talked about so it was not a matter of concern to me. However, this time around he said, “As for that girl, she likes too much. She is such a fool.” When he said it I thought, “I also like him. In fact, I love him too much. So is he going about telling people that I am a fool for loving him? Is that how he sees me?”

I’ve not called or texted him since that day. He called me once during this period. It’s obvious I’m not so different from the girl he called an idiot. I don’t plan to ever call or text him again. My issue is how to stop this ache in my chest and forget about him. I have dreams about him every night. I can hardly sleep. He’s in my thoughts 24/7. How do I move on from him? I’m suffering.

–Akua

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